Sleep? Ha! What is sleep? What is sleep with a mind like mine? I cannot begin to imagine what a full night of soft, thorough, warm, dense, heavy sleep would be like, for it has been a few years since the last time I have had a full night of rest. A full 8 hours!

Everytime I go to lay down my head on my pillow, all eager to finally shut my eyes and forget about the world for a while, that is when my mind is the most active. My brain kciks into overdrive and there is no way to stop it. It goes and it goes and it goes, and I think of some of the most useless things I can possibly think of! Sleep, me? Never!

Then again, it’s not only when I am about to go to bed. It’s pretty much in overdrive 24/7. Every second of every minute of every day of every wekk of every month of every year. I think of ten different things from years ago, I worry about 100 more, and regret a million more and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Even when all I want the most is for it to stop, it never does and it never will and I hate that. I hate being me because of my mind. I cannot stop it, but I want it to. I want it to so badly that I have that on my mind 24/7 as well. There is no end, only a beginning and an endless loop of nothing going on in my head. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything more in my entire life than for my brain to just stop and take a break and leave me alone so I can breathe without it hurting, so I can sleep without trouble, and love without worry of getting hurt.

My own mind drives me insane so it is definitely not an exception, the outside world around. All it does is make it worse, the world makes it worse, the people, places, and things make everything so much worse in my head and there is nothing I can do about it. There are days where I just want everything to stop, I just want it to STOP. ALL OF IT. My mind, the people, the places, the thoughts, the dreams, the fears, the nightmares, the darkness, the feeling of emotions, just ALL OF IT! I just want it all to stop.

I want my mind back. I want my LIFE back. I want control of myself, and my brain, and my emotions, and my everything. I want to finally be able to sleep without waking up in the middle of the night, completely terrified of the things that are not there, the things that are not real. I want my head to just take a break for once because it just hurts so bad from all the thinking I do. I think and I think and I think and I think until my head feels like its about to EXPLODE.

I can never concentrate, and it’s rare when I do. In order for me to concentrate, I have to be obsessed, over-obsessed, or completely ruled by whatever it is that I am concentrating on. My music, for example, has always been there, and I am completely into it because it will never leave. It will never switch up on me, or hurt me, or break me, or tell me I’m useless, worthless, fat, ugly, and run my mind in a million different directions. It keeps my mind on trakc, on one single track, and nobody can take me away from it. However, they say I am too obsessed, that is taking over my life, and that I need to stop worrying about it so much and focus more on what’s important. But what exactly is more important than keeping my brain under control? What is more important than trying to gain back my sanity through one of the only two things that can keep me calm?

I feel the world on my shoulders, and what’s even more messed up is that I am not afraid of death himself anymore because death is preferable to this. God, I’m such a wreck. My mind is so messed up, so out of control that I can’t even trust myself with my life. Can I trust myself not to jump when I’m standing over a ledge of a tall building? Can I trust myself not to cut when I’m holding a knife or a blade of any kind in my hand? Can I trust myself to move when there is a car speeding down the street I’m on?

This is only a thumbnail sketch of the things I want away from on my mind. I need a break from my mind, from the world, from these thoughts of possible suicide, from these what-ifs, should-haves, and never-dids. I don’t want to look in the mirror anymore and see a reflection of somebody I don’t even recognize because she does not match the darkness of the mind inside, the brokenness of the heart in her chest. I despise myself because my mind tells me to. That is the power of your mind that I bet you didn’t even realize you had. If your head tells you that that is what is real, then that is what’s real, that’s your reality. This is something I am in desperate need of a break from.

And when I finally do get a break, it’s never for long, approximately 45 minutes on a weekday morning. HE gives me a break without even realizing it does. My love, my world, my life, my everything that has ever existed in this universe keeps me safe from myself, safe from all of these dark things in my head, these what-ifs, should-haves, and never-dids. That right there is the power of love. Love takes over your brain, and it makes you do crazy things, but for me, he is my only way out. He saves me from myself. He makes everything stop. The world, the hurt, the pain, my thoughts in my mind, it all stops. He tells me everything will be okay, and I believe it. He tells me I am smart and beautiful, and I believe it. He tells me that it’s okay to think a bunch, and I believe it. He is the universe. He IS my mind. In his arms, I find the warmth that I have been missing my entire life. In his hands, I feel the love that I have been begging for my entire childhood. In his presense, I can feel the tension, the good tension, the love tension. That to me is home. With him, the whole world stops.

I think the moral of this story is that no matter what is going on in your mind, in your heart, in your life, or whatever, love will always find you. Love will save you, from your pain, your darkness, you demons, and yourself. Love will heal you if you give it the chance to. Love will listen to your heartaches and nightmares and comfort you when you need it the most. Love will never hurt you on purpose, only if it is trying to protect you from something worse. Love is my saving grace, and it can be yours too.