I am lonely. Some nights I lie awake thinking about what it would be like to have someone with me. It wouldn't matter who it was, just that they were there would be enough. They could be a boy or a girl or a murderer for all I care. I just need someone—someone to lie there next to me and hold me close. Someone who is going tell me everything's alright and that I am not alone and that things will get better. Someone who will love my stuffed panda as much as I do and sleep with it in their arms. Someone who won’t mind sleeping with my pink prayer blanket that keeps me from having night terrors. Someone who will have just as many weird things about them as I do. Someone who will take away the cold void of loneliness.

When I finally close my eyes at night, things will go dark, but then I will enter into a new world. A world where my dreams come true and I will no longer be lonely because that person will be right beside me. I can really see them lying next to me. I can feel their touch and hear their words and look into their eyes. They really are telling me it’s okay and nothing will go wrong. Their I-am-never-letting-you-go gaze and broken-but-not-ready-to-give-up eyes, seem to call out to my soul and give it new home. A home where I am loved where I belong. I can feel their arms around me—holding on tight because they are just afraid of losing me as I am of them.

Every night it is someone new. A different person, a different face. Some I will know from this world—others are people I’ve never seen. No matter their face, the feeling of being together is always there. With this person I am not alone. They are not bothered by the ever-watching-and-staring posters plastered on my walls or the dolls hanging on the shelves staring down at us or my LEGOs that seem to occupy all the nooks and crannies in my room. They are just there. Their purpose being to comfort, to make more feel like I belong and in these moments I am happy.

But then I wake up. Tears stain my face because what I thought was real is gone. I reach out for their touch and feel nothing but air and a cold blanket. I try to remember their words but they are muffled by the ringing in my ears. They are gone—I am alone again. I was never held in someone’s arms or they in mine. I never heard the reassuring words of a companion or held the hands of a reassuring friend. I never looked into the eyes of a person who cared. I never felt the warmth from their embrace. It was never real. It was all a cruel trick my mind used to get a good laugh.

Loneliness presses down on me day after day, threatening to take every last ounce of belonging from my life. It was an evil I couldn't escape, except for the moments where happiness embeds in my mind and sprouts a flower. I believe that it is a beautiful flower but my eyes are clouded by this fake sense of reality. I can’t see that I am nourishing the roots of a weed—a weed that will continue to grow and destroy. I always dream of this fantasy where I am not alone. I dream and dream not realizing that I am feeding an infestation of lies and untruth. I have now become aware of this because I am alone—always will be. In this world my life is nothing to anyone. Not even me. All I ever wanted was to get rid of the loneliness, but instead I have made it worse. I have fed the mouth of a stray cat and it keeps coming back for more. If only I could fall asleep and truly live in my dreams.