Before I started high school I was told that “the hardest part is the 9th and 10th grade it just gets easier from there” am I'm not sure if that compensates for both grades and relationships.

It started pretty well in 9th grade but little did I know that was the last easy year of my high school life and that it was only going to get even more difficult. So today I noticed that Carrie didn't even want to hug me let alone want to be near me but it just seems weird. Carrie doesn't want me to tell me anything and it honestly just hurts to think that you're not trustworthy to the one that you love because she would gladly tell Mandy or Luna (or probably not Luna right now because she angered her today) but won't tell me a thing and it hurts. Not only that it feels like she is ashamed to be with me because she doesn't want hugs or kisses when there's more than just us and she doesn't even want at least a hug after class, if anything it seems that she just wants to disappear, I don't know if this is how Carrie feels but it sure does feel that way. 

Whenever we go to do something when it's just me and her something happens to where she can't go, like last weekend when we were supposed to hang her mom said no. when it came to when Mandy, Carrie, and myself she came with no problem. I don't think anything that she says that's happening at her house is true because it just doesn't seem to make any sense. I won't know unless I get an inside look on what her home life is like which I doubt I ever will. I love Carrie, but I don't know if she loves me back. I hope I didn't f--- up and she is falling for Mandy, but all I can do is try and see if I can figure it out without having to disturb the peace. 

To be honest I care about all my friends to a certain extent and will do anything for them to this extent but, sometimes it just unfair and pointless. It's where I'm just starting to not care anymore, like when I was making jokes about Luna because she tried to make fun of me then she randomly gets mad and starts pretending like I'm a complete jerk, like you know how many times you said some stuff that angered me but, I brushed it off because you were one of my closest friends, but clearly to you I'm just somebody you can just get mad at after one comment with no problem. It just shows me that you don't care about me. I'm trying to say is I'm done with caring about other people's feelings at least before mine. I am certain that I am mainly wanted when I can make the situation funnier or to entertain someone. I thought that if care for other people before myself and I thought it would come back around, but that has only happened once. One friend has seen this and appreciated it was Sam, the one person who won't ignore me or just use me for entertainment.

Then reason I'm feeling the way I do now is because of Karen. I feel Carrie doesn't care about me because I sat and waited for Karen not taking any chances with any other girls which could've been a better outcome for me. I decided to try my luck with Karen by basically being her lackey for a whole two long years. I was just so blinded by wanting someone to love and didn't see that I was being led on a road that never would've changed. She used me wanting to love her unconditionally as a way to get me to follow her blindly and do her things for her for those two years. I even skipped classes just to try and be with her, but now that I am no longer in love with her I have looked back and noticed how stupid and naive I was. I have moved on but it still angers me from time to time. I wish I can honestly just forget about it, but I was told that I could run from the past or learn from it. I don't want it to happen again but it feels like it's happening but my head is too blindsided by love to tell if it's happening again, I hope it isn't. I ask Carrie for hugs and stuff which makes me feel that I am being used. I'm sure she thinks I'm too clingy which is probably why she doesn't want to hug and show affection to me as much as did before. It's something I hope I have the wrong judgment on. I just want some of this stuff about relationships just get easier as I grow and get older.

They say high school gets easier as it gets closer to the end of your high school years but, as I have just seen it's not as easy and it's not getting any easier and I'm only at the beginning of my 11th year of high school. I just hope I can survive until graduation.