If you have lost someone you love, this is for you. For anyone stuck in this never ending circle called grief, this is for you. I will be sharing will you all about my experience with grief and how it has changed me… permanently.

1. Denial & Isolation. This was the first phase I went through. This phase was confusing and changed quickly. When I first found out I had to live life for now on without my beautiful, beloved sister, I was crying just about everyday for a month straight. During this month I was totally denying everything and was always imagining, dreaming that it was all fake and that she would just walk through our front door and greet us like nothing happened. Honestly, a part of me is still always wishing that she would, even though I also know she never will... 

Isolation for me actually didn't change for a while, I would hide in my room away from my family to hide my painful emotions. I felt that I was too unstable for human contact, I was afraid I would breakdown in front of the wrong person. (Which I actually did and it haunts me everytime it comes to mind). 

2. Bargaining. This one came real fast. This was a weird and confusing one. In this phase I was always blaming myself, I wasn't blaming myself for her death but rather not getting to know her better before she passed. I was a pretty defiant child, so understandably my older sisters were not very fond of my behavior so they stayed to themselves. My sister was always out of the house, either exploring the world or hanging out with friends. The 3 months between her graduation from high school and her unexpected death, we had more time to spend some sister time together. I just feel so guilty just from always being a bratty child when I was younger. I was always telling myself these things to the point that I almost believed it… This is not what has caused her to leave this world but I truly feel guilty for that.

3. Acceptance. This one was short, because nobody can truly accept that their loved one is dead and are never coming back. During this stage I was telling myself to shove down my weird and confusing emotions in the back of my mind. In my history of dealing with my emotions I am known to do this, but not having a good outcome afterward. I felt I needed to do this because mostly at this point people were forgetting that I went through this trauma and are now expecting me to  ̈get over it ̈ . I also told myself that this seems to be the only solution for now so I can try and somewhat get my life together and mostly my horrible grades…

4. Depression. This phase was exhausting! Just breaking down a couple days a week and bawling for hours on end really takes a toll on your body. This was about the time where lots of memories starting arising and it became difficult to cope with. This is where I started developing severe anxiety on top of that...I was suffering…

5. Anger. Currently writing this, I feel I am in this phase. This one is pretty tough. I am not a person who likes to be angry, but rather the complete opposite! This makes me scared that I will hurt someone emotionally (not physically because I physically can't). I don't ever want to hurt anyone ever again because I don't want my old misbehaved self to come back. The thing that prevents this is because when I was struggling way back when, one of my driving forces was for my sisters to notice hoping I could finally hangout with them. Currently though im just basically angry at everything for existing right now. Like why my sister is dead, how her killer didn't get charged, how it sucks seeing my family's hearts torn apart, seeing all of her friends suffering also. These among countless other things. 

This was just some of my experiences within this horrible hell hole. This is a nonstop cycle of emotions that come suddenly so you can never really tell how you are going to feel the next day. All you really have to do is go with the flow and trust me don't ever try to find a loophole to escape, because you can't. I hope this helped anyone if you are struggling with grief or even if you were just curious about this topic and real experiences. Thank you for reading and I hope life eases a bit.