Most people believe that people who are polar opposite tend to not get along, but that’s not true. Like the magnet’s opposite pole they attract and that me and my sister. My sister is younger than me and as the oldest, I lost to her in everything. In personality, in responsibility, and in almost every aspect of life. If you ask me; “Have you ever been jealous of her?” Then I have to answer always. As the oldest, I was lazy, irresponsible, and had a very bad personality. And in other eyes, they would think I was the younger one. My sister was kind, she would help other people teach their kids, she would always bring my grandma to the doctor, she would help my mom take care of her money, and even work so hard in her studies that she became a valedictorian. In comparison I was like the bad kid refusing to help others, barely like to go out, always in an argument with my family, and had only decent grades. But if you ask why and do I regret it? Then I’ll say sry I'm not. I may seem like a villain in others’ eyes but I don’t wish to become their ideal person. I don’t wish to hold back my complaint, my thoughts, my feelings for them. I hate them. I hate people who have a double face and I hate those adults that treat us, teens, like we're kids that know sh*t. To be honest, sometimes I do wish I had my sister’s traits. I do wish I can be liked by others(my teachers, adults), I do wish I can become like her who seems so successful, yet I find it tiring. 

When we were young, my mom raised us all by herself. She worked almost 24/7 and barely rested. She was stressed indeed. And this led to how she treats us. She wanted us to be someone who has manners, who is responsible, and who has good footsteps; meaning someone who does chores, who cleans after themselves and dresses properly. She never really provided us, love, both of us barely feel the mother bond that we three share. It's a shame she was a hardworking person like the older version of my sister. She was respected by her friends and she had a lot of real friends. But she failed in being a mother in our eyes. She often yells at us over basic things, even to the point of nonsense. She believed in her own sense of logic based on how she believed we need to live with. She often tells me “You know all your friends are fake, I bet they are talking bad behind your back. Someone with a bad attitude like you will never have real friends.” She would manipulate us by telling us how bad we are, how ugly we were, and how we piss her off. I know my mom is also suffering. She is also tired but I dislike her for putting that suffering onto us and only understanding her own suffering and not ours. 

Me and my sister would always cry when our mom yells at us. Even now she does it once in a while, when she can't talk over us she yells at us. It wasn’t just her words that hurt. But her attitude, her insults, and her way of viewing us, even though were her daughter.

Me and my sister often get into arguments even now we still do but we always come together. Do you know we often cry together? Sometimes out of nowhere just talking about the adults and how life sucks. We cry and we complain to each other. Sometimes I cry first and it's almost all the time, and my sister would cry afterward. I cry that life sucks, why am I still alive, why do I have to go through others that don't normally go through. I feel tired and feel like I have no future. I am always the one complaining and picking an argument with my mom, I always want to express myself in front of my mom, I want her to hear me, yet none... NONE of the time has she really heard me out. 

My sister tells me “I know how you feel, but she would never listen to us. You have me, I understand you.” and I often tell this to my sister too. Sometimes she tells me “I look strong, but I hold a lot of weight in this family. The whole family seems to have high expectations for me. They all seem to rely on me in the future they expect. I really want to relax but I can’t, I was never given the chance to. I feel a lot of pressure and a burden to carry. I always say I’m fine, I always smile and joke around but do you know I also want to cry, but I just don’t seem to know how to cry when I feel sad.” 

“Yeah, I know. They lose hope in me that why you have to hold that responsibility..sry.”

“Don’t say sry it’s not your fault. I also want to create a future, I want to prove myself to them, that once I obtain that power, I would not need them anymore. They won’t be able to come to complain to me anymore.”

She was the kind of person that imagines a bright future. She always tells me that “When something bad happens to me something good comes later. I feel I am only suffering now.”

One time I remember I got into an argument with her because I was complaining loudly. I wish those adults would hear how much I despise them. And my sister tried to calm me down. It happens all the time, but this time we made a promise.

I told her “I wish I can leave this family, I wish I can tell my mom how much I am suffering. How much I despise her action along with adults. And how much I would want to break tides with her if she continues acting this way. I feel I’ll die after I explode. Do I really have to live with these adults? FOREVER, I feel like my whole world or my whole life has been surrounded by them. I feel like I would explode one day and just cut tides with this family of ours completely.

“But have you ever thought of the consequences?”

“I don’t care about that, I wish I can leave this hell as soon as possible.”

She told me to calm down and yet I told her how much I hated her and her personality. 

That when she cried and said “Every time you say that it hurts my feelings. You don’t realize how much your words can hurt me.”

“You look hurt? How can you always be so calm and chill as if you don’t care.”

“I care, I just don’t want to show it, what can I do to complain? What can I do to show them my weakness? I want you to think of the consequences, we can't survive without them.  You know that we need them now. That’s why I always work hard in my studies and look toward a future where I can feed and take care of myself. I am tired too. I may seem like I am always the one listening and not complaining but deep inside I can cry too. Plz don’t say those words like you hate me. I only have you. I wish you could understand me more.”

That’s when we made a promise that no matter how bad we fight or even like how far we become we have to make up. 

I remember telling her “Sry I just got jealous of you, Sry for always being the one causing trouble, I just can’t help feeling this way. I didn’t mean with those words, I didn’t mean to yell at you, just I will die if I don’t relieve my stress somewhere, sry I realized it on you. Forgive me and I would need you to forgive me in the future too, No matter how mean or how bad I become would you still forgive me in the future.” 

She was always the problem solver and she was like the light while I was the shadow. She was always so understanding that I feel like, I like she was my only life counselor. She always brings the two of us back. And the one thinking so brightly. Sometimes I can’t help but think we were destined to become sisters. I often tell myself, I may not have a bright future but she would build one with me. I wish in the future if one day she accidentally crawled out of her shell and exploded, I would be there to bring her back to the shell.