11,500 feet. The elevation of the treeline in Estes Park is 11,500 feet. Which means that at that point, the air got so cold and thin that trees could no longer grow; the landscape changed abruptly from a thick, pine-filled forest to wildflower and snow covered fields. Going above 11,500 feet while not inside of a plane was not something I’d ever planned on doing, and I knew I would regret agreeing to travel up to the peak of the mountain with my family before we’d even gotten in the car.

I tossed my candy bag onto the floor of my mom’s car, squeezed inside, and quickly shut the door to avoid it getting hit by oncoming traffic. It was my brother, my dad, and my 3rd day in Estes visiting my cousin Lennie and Auntie Kim. Today was the first day Lennie didn’t have an orchestra camp obligation. My dad had the whole day planned out; we would start by eating hotel breakfast, then meeting up with Kim and Len to visit the Stanley Hotel, go out for lunch, explore downtown, then drive through Estes Park all the way up to the peak of one of the mountains. 

Downtown Estes was flooded with people, and the sidewalks buzzing with life. Each of the little shops and restaurants on either side of the road had flows of people moving in and out, and the road was packed with cars. The only actual stop we had made while we were there was to a tiny candy shop, and I remembered how many people there were packed into that tight space. I scrunched up my nose while thinking about the feeling of all the sweat-sticky bodies trying to fit in the shop I ended up getting squished against.

“Hey,” my Aunt tapped my knee from where she was sitting in the passenger seat, “Can you put this in the back? Lennie really doesn’t need any more sugar right now.” She shoved the bag in my direction while continuing to look forward. I grabbed it quickly before Lennie could snatch it.

“No, no just one more piece,” Lennie whined, “C’mon pleaseeee.” She stuck out her bottom lip and tried to grab it from me. As gently as one could throw something, I tossed the bag into the far backseat behind us. 

“Nope,” I said, the P sound popping a bit at the end.

“Lennard, you had 2 cokes this morning. Two!” Kim gestured at us with two fingers raised. She sighed and shook her head, “One piece. But that’s it for the next hour or so, Uncle Rich is taking us hiking.” I craned my neck to look into the backseat to find where the bag had gone. 

“Ok, just gimme a sec,” I muttered while I rummaged through the mess that was the backseat. Several layers of coats and one pair of jeans that had been stained with mud at the Wind Caves covered the area, and a pack of gatorade and a couple of tote bags full of snacks sat beneath them. I reached even further and blindly waved my hand around in the mess to feel for the plastic bag that held Lennie’s candy. My hand brushed something smooth and distinctly plastic. 

“Aha! Gotcha,” I smiled triumphantly, raising the bag out of the backseat, “Here ya go Len.” 

“Yay!” Lennie grabbed the bag.

“Lennie, what do we say to Anna for getting us the bag?” Kim looked at her expectantly.

“Oh, uh… Thank you,” Lennie glanced at me before searching through the miscellaneous candy. 

“Just one piece Lennard, remember?” Kim said, “Then give the bag back to your cousin.” Lennie chose a mini hershey’s bar, and reluctantly gave me the bag back. I took it and placed it in the backseat. My Dad opened the door to the driver's seat and slid into the car. 

“You all ready to go?” he asked, looking back at all of us. Me, Lennie, and Finn all nodded from where we were squeezed into the backseat, sitting in that order. He looked at Kim and asked if she was ready to go. She said she was, so he started the car. 

While we weaved through traffic in downtown, Kim handed me a map of the park so I could look at what turns we needed to take to get to the right trails. After about 25 minutes of stop and go traffic, I looked out the window to see that our car was in line to be admitted into the park. While my Dad and Aunt talked back and forth in the front seat, I looked out the window to my left at the grassland that led into the forest mountain range. There wasn’t any wildlife visible at the moment, but I remembered the elk we had seen there while driving back to the hotel the night before. It was obnoxiously sunny outside, but luckily, the sun wasn’t directly in the view of the window at the moment. I squinted for a second, before deciding it wasn’t worth it and that I would be able to see the landscape again on the way back when my eyes were better adjusted. I looked over at my brother, and saw he was playing some sort of game on his phone. It looked complicated, so I didn’t bother asking what it was about.  I reached down into my candy bag and fished out the giant gummy sharks I had picked out at the shop. Even though I knew them being larger than usual wasn’t going to make them be any better than any other gummy shark I’ve ever had, I was practically giddy at the sight of them. I opened the little bag and was immediately greeted by the strong smell of artificial blueberry. I picked one out and eyed it for a second; the overwhelming smell was making me a bit more wary of them then I was before. I shrugged and took a large bite out of the head, and the first thought I had was that the taste perfectly matched the smell wafting out of the bag.

“That is the most artificial blueberry-tasting thing I have ever eaten in my whole life,” I scrunched up my nose at the sticky residue it left on my fingers. I shrugged again and quickly ate the rest of it.

“Well is that a good thing or a bad thing?” my Dad asked. 

I thought about it for a second, then responded, “I dunno. Haven’t decided yet,” with my cheeks stuffed full of artificial gummy. “It’s eh. Not horrible but ya know, a little underwhelming.” I cleared my throat before continuing,  “Had big expectations. Did not live up to them.”

“Ah well, ya win some ya lose some,” my Dad chuckled a little bit and turned to Kim, “Please tell me you got a picture of that.”

“No sorry, but I did get a picture of all of them lined up back there,” she replied, “I can send them to you when we get service again.” He nodded and smiled and our wait continued.

About a half an hour later we finally got to the window to be admitted into the park. My Dad handed our park pass to the ranger in the booth and we waited for it to be approved. 

“Here you go sir, sorry that took so long,” the ranger said, “Have fun up there.” My Dad thanked him and rolled up the window, and we were finally on our way. I was excited, though a bit nervous because I knew how high we were planning on going. Little did I know how those nerves would spiral in the coming hour.

----------------------------------------------------

We had been driving up the road for about 15 minutes when I started getting fidgety. Despite the uneasy feeling in my chest it was giving me, I couldn’t stop looking at the window. I’d figured that the feeling was just going to stay like that, like it always had; I’d always hated mountain driving. The quick turns, the narrow roads, the sharp drop offs that occasionally lined the road, both with barriers and without- it all freaked me out. We had done a lot of mountain driving during the trip so far, and usually looking at the scenery would help get me out of my head. And up until this point, it had worked. The mountains were just as beautiful as they were terrifying; all sides covered in dense pine forest and the occasional flowing stream. From as high as we were, everytime we drove past a clearing in the trees, it was like we were flying above a sea of green. 

Then we started getting higher. And so the forest became less pronounced, the foliage blending together in the distance. I knew how big those trees were from up close, and seeing them look nearly microscopic took my breath away, and not in a good way. 

My eyes kept welling up with tears no matter how hard I’d tried to make them go away. I gripped my seat and the car door like if I didn’t I would be thrown into that deep green sea. I was gripping the door so hard, my nails left little crescent marks in the leather. Kim was the first to notice something was off. 

“Hey Anna, you doing ok back there sweetie?” she asked, reaching her hand back to put it on my knee. I looked at her, and in that moment, I realized that this wasn’t normal fear; that I wouldn’t just be able to make it go away and calm down, no matter how much I wanted to. 

“Yeah? Well no, but uh,” I croaked, my voice rough and shaky. I bit my lip and gripped the door and seat tighter, and took a few quick, shallow breaths. “I don’t know why I’m freaking out this much, heights never freaked me out this much while we’ve been here.”

  Almost immediately after I started talking, the tears fell and my breathing sped up even more. That’s something that has always happened to me; I knew that. If I’m upset, talking is always the trigger for tears. I grit my teeth and tried to breathe, but it only made my breathing shallower. Even though tears were streaming down my face, even though I was starting to get dizzy from my frantic breathing, even though I knew looking out the window again would be a bad idea, I turned my head to look out the window again. As soon as I looked out, I let out a sob and turned away again, hands letting go of the seat and door to flap frantically in front of me in an attempt to let some of the panic out. 

“Oh honey,” Kim rubbed my knee to try and calm me down. Everyone in the car had picked up on my panic at this point and were all trying to reassure me at once. 

“Hey, we’re ok in here, just don’t look out the window anymore,” Lennie said, brows furrowed in concern. She looked unsure of what else to do, so she just kept repeating what she had already said.

“Yeah just don’t look out and keep your head down,” Finn added, “Would keeping your head down help?”

“N-no,” I shook my head quickly, “Not looking out is just as bad as looking out because I know what’s out there and it’s just as scary not being able to see it and I don’t know what’s going to help.” Hiccuping sobs and chattering teeth broke up my sentences whenever I tried to speak. My fingers and toes started tingling, and it felt like my stomach would never rise out of my shoes again. I quickly became frustrated with myself, because no matter how much I logically knew that we were ok and how much I wanted to just calm down, I couldn’t. Dad was so excited for this part of the trip; he’d been talking about it all morning. I didn’t want to ruin it. Being so scared felt irrational, and crying like this made me feel miserable. But I couldn’t stop.

“Do you need us to pull over?” my Dad asked. 

“No, no, I don’t know,” I said, hands still waving frantically in front of me, “I don’t know why I’m freaking out this much, and I know you were really looking forward to this, I’m sorry.”

“Hey, don’t apologize, that's ok,” my Dad frowned, “Just let me know if it’s too much and we’ll find the nearest look out to pull over.” I nodded and kept trying to slow my breathing. This cycle continued for a while after. Or maybe not for a while, I couldn’t remember it clearly. At some point, I decided it was too much.

“Hey dad, can you please pull over, I can’t do it anymore,” I grabbed onto his seat in front of me with both hands and pressed my face into it. Lennie awkwardly tried to rub my back to help me calm down, and while it was appreciated, it didn’t really help.

“Got it,” my Dad said, and then started looking for the sign for the nearest lookout. It was only a few minutes later when we found one. Then my Dad turned into its parking lot and stopped the car. While my Dad turned the car off, Finn and Kim got out from their side of the car to stretch, and Len waited until they were out to climb out too. I sat there in my seat panting for a little bit before Kim opened my door. 

“Just take as long as you need, I’ll be right here,” she said. I shook my head.

“I don’t think I’ll be able to get out.”

“It’ll be good for you to stand up, stretch, and get some fresh air,” she pointed out, “Besides, you don’t have to go all the way down the trail like your crazy brother and father.”

“Fine,” I relented, “Just gimme a minute, I don’t think I can stand right now.” Kim hummed in response and leaned against the car.

In movies, the tops of mountains are always windy. I thought about this before I exited the car, desperately trying not to think about flying off the edge of the path. I swayed when I stepped out of the car, still shaking and panting slightly with salty tears covering my cheeks and mouth. Even though I swayed, there was no wind.

I was surprised at the lack of wind on the mountain top. Not to say that the air was completely still, just that it was a light breeze instead of the crazy howling winds my mind had managed to conjure up. I still wasn’t able to look in the direction of the edge without tears rushing to my eyes and my stomach dropping to my toes, but after a second or two I was able to take note of the slightly glacial-covered fields next to the parking lot. I took as deep of a breath as I could manage and let it out slowly through my mouth. The air seemed almost cleaner up there, and I suddenly understood what people meant when saying “a breath of fresh air”. I looked down at my feet, took another slow, deep breath, and grabbed my Aunt’s outstretched hand to let her slowly guide me towards the path.

The path was relatively wide with rope tied to sticks lining the sides. It wasn’t close to the edge, far from it actually, but the elevation was still clear as day. When I had gotten the courage to finally look out, I felt as if the air had once again been sucked out of my lungs. The mountains rolled in green waves with clear lines distinguishing where the forest stopped and began again. It was surprising how clean the line was; calling it the tree line was exceedingly accurate. Above the treeline were rocky pastures, covered either with wildflowers or patches of snow leftover from melting glaciers.

The sky was a light blue, marked occasionally with fluffy white clouds. It looked so picturesque that it almost didn’t seem real. The contrast between the colors- the greens and browns of the Earth compared to the blues and whites of the sky- was beautiful. I took a deep, shaky breath, and scooted a little further down the path. Though the view was gorgeous, I couldn’t look at it long. I looked ahead at the group of tourists on the lookout. Lennie wasn’t much farther down the path than I was, but both my Dad and Finn had gone all the way down to the edge.

“They’re looking for animals,” Kim leaned closer and told me, “Rich said whoever spots the first one gets some kind of treat.”  I nodded, and started scanning the rocky field for animals. The map we had been given had listed different animals that lived up above the treeline, like mountain goats, marmots, and small rodents called pikas. I hadn’t seen any movement in the field, but then I saw my Dad waving from the look out area. He jogged up to us.

“I spotted a marmot,” he smiled and pointed out toward the middle of the field, “Just past there, by those larger rocks in the middle.” I squinted and followed his finger and sure enough, there were 2 marmots resting on a cluster of rocks. The sandy brown coloring of their fur made it so they blended in with the rocks quite easily. 

“How did you see them? They’re not moving much,” I pointed out. My Dad shrugged.

“Good eye, I guess,” he responded, “Finn saw another one right up next to the lookout.” He pointed toward where people were gathered at the far point of the lookout, and I walked a little bit closer to see it easier. There was another marmot sunbathing on the rock structure, almost looking like it was posing from the way it was stretched out. The marmot sat up and I quickly pulled out my phone, hoping to capture how the sun was framing its place in the rocks. After I took the pictures an idea dawned on me. Maybe the height wouldn’t be so daunting through a lens?

I turned back in the direction of the edge and raised my camera. I lined up the mountains and the edge with my screen and started taking pictures. I quickly found that my hypothesis was right; the pictures took away part of the fear and helped metaphorically distance myself from the height, even though I was technically getting closer than I was able to before. After about 5 minutes of this I turned to Kim. 

“I think I’m done now,” I said, “I feel a lot better now though, thanks for making me get out of the car.” I smiled at her, and she smiled back.

“You good to go back to the car by yourself? I can go roundup the rest of the Rosivachs,” she asked. I nodded and started walking back to the car. Even though I had felt much better than I had when we had just gotten there, I still felt a little uneasy. Crying always makes me exhausted, so as soon as I got to the car, I slumped down into my seat and rested my head on my knees. After a second, I reached down and picked up the bag of gummy sharks from where it was with the rest of my candy on the floor. I picked one out of the bag and giggled softly to myself when it flopped to the side. I took a deep breath and leaned back in the seat, taking the sticky candy with me. I bit the tail off, and it was just as artificially flavored as it was on the way up. Even though it didn’t taste very good, the slight familiarity of it was comforting. I settled in and waited for everyone else to get back to the car. 

When everyone got back, we all situated ourselves in the spots we were in on the way up. Finn and Lennie were talking excitedly about the marmots, and my Dad and Kim were talking about what our next plan of action was going to be. 

  “Hey, do you three want to go back to the lake we went to yesterday? What was it called…” my Dad’s sentence trailed off at the end.

“Lake Lily?” I suggested, “The one with the axolotls right?”

“Yeah! Lake Lily. You wanted to go back to wade in the water right?”

“Axolotls? Really?” Lennie perked up from where she was sitting, “Please can we go, I wanna see the axolotls too, please?”

“Yes, I did want to wade,” I responded to my Dad, “Yeah there were axolotls there yesterday, it was pretty cool. I’ve never seen one in person before, much less in the wild. You wanna see some pictures I took of them yesterday?” Knowing she was going to want to, I pulled out my phone and opened my camera roll.

“Yeah,” she leaned over to look closer at my phone, “Oh cool!”

“We’re getting back on the road now,” my Dad interrupted. 

“You might want to put your head down before we actually start driving down, Anna,” Kim added. I nodded and folded myself in half, putting my head in my knees and putting my hands on either side of my face to block out my peripheral vision. 

I stayed like that more or less for the whole drive down, and it helped a lot. I had talked with my family the whole time too, and I hadn’t even noticed how much time had passed or how far down we were when we got close to the Lake. I had fully calmed down by the time we parked the car, and I was excited to go and walk around the lake with my family.

Though the ride up sucked, I’m still glad that the trip happened. It wasn’t the first time I’d had a panic attack, nor was it the last, but it was still an experience that I will remember for a long time. I’d gotten closer with my family, especially my Aunt, because of it. When I looked back on the pictures I had taken later, I was reminded of the beauty I had seen instead of the fear, so overall, I remember the trip mostly in a positive light.