Cherophobia: the fear of being happy. When I learned the word I thought who would be afraid of happiness? but as I got older this concept made more sense because I, like many other people, realized that happiness doesn’t last. I was always more comfortable being sad because I knew what to expect and the only place to go was up. But when I was happy, I was anxious because I knew that something bad would eventually happen. I thought that cherophobia may not be the fear of being happy, but the knowledge that happiness doesn't last. And this led to self destructive behavior because I knew that the better things were in life, the harder it was going to hurt when it came to an end, and the anxiety of not knowing when this will happen teared away at me until I destroyed everything myself and push away anything that makes me happy just so I could have some peace of mind.

When my mother was about 21 years old was pregnant with my oldest sister (not my father’s child.) I never grew up around my sister. She never called or visited, and I never questioned it because I was young. I had seen her multiple times and I was aware that she was my sister, but she was more of a stranger in my life. 

When I was around 12 years old, she invited me over to where she was living at the time. We hung out, played with her cats, ate food, watched tv, but when the sun started to set and the moon began to rise, she started to cry. I went over to comfort her and she began to tell me her story. She told me that my father never accepted her as his own. About the notes she used to leave under his pillow asking him "Why?" About how she ran away at 16. About how she stayed with my aunt to finish high school. About how she found a random group of people she thought she would fit in with. About how she started doing drugs. About how she wished she had done better. And finally about how she doesnt want me to make the same mistake and wants me to be better. 

This information hit me like a rock. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do. I didn't even know where to look. I just sat there, crying.

I'm not saying that my cherophobia started because of that, it was something that developed over many years. It was what happened after that has guided me into getting over my phobia.

About a year after that, I went to a court case in 2017 that decided if my sister went to jail. My family and I were sitting in the stands listening. When the court case was coming to a close, my sister had announced that she was pregnant. She pleaded for a clean slate, an opportunity to raise a child. The judge paused and was lenient enough to give her a chance. From then on, my sister quit drugs, went back to school, and now has two beautiful children with an amazing soon to be husband. 

When my sister went into labor with my nephew, I talked to her about how she did it. She told me that once you accept yourself for who you are and once you accept that you will get hurt, it makes it easier. I thought nothing of it at the time, but years later, while at the lowest point in my life, I thought about it again. Once you accept you will get hurt, it makes it easier. This made me think that I could either live a dull, melancholy life or I could accept that bad things will happen and enjoy life while I still can.