4:08 pm on a warm summer evening. The unforgiving sun, shining like a taunting spotlight on the stage of my agony. But even amidst the gorgeous streaks, I saw no light. In fact, the color of my world slowly dimmed grey and unfortunately, there was no mending the clouded cracks of these eyes. Because after her, there has been no light. Because losing her, was like hearing every goodbye ever said to me all at once.

Life; now a blackhole with no escape. A downhill journey, failing to cease. A freefall.

It’s like falling through a frozen lake. The ground; seemingly unbreakable just moments before unexpectedly shattering underneath. The initial rush of frigid water, a slap to the senses. Each shiver; an individual knife piercing the expanse of skin. A relentless pain so consuming, so overwhelming, even being alive is unbearable. Frantically flailing, banging at the merciless eyes. Pleading, begging until finally the deep agony, of feeling everything becomes an encompassing sigh, of feeling nothing. A solace in the devastatingly beautiful relief of numbness, from the emptiness of the heart.

But, how could emptiness be so heavy? So heavy, I fall apart every day. Crumbling to the ground faster and more erratically than ashes from a burning cigarette. The universe, a constant reminder of the walls of my heart; a flawed façade full of cracks, jagged like the scars of my past. And in those moments of seemingly meaningless calm, shattered by a single flash, I remember how broken I’ll always be. 

So broken, anyone who got close would be cut by the shattered pieces, burned by bitterness in the pit of my heart. But they say everything is temporary. This sunset, the downhill journey, the grief. Merely simple moments in a string of infinite stories that  eventually end. But my downhill journey, failed to cease.

5:17 pm, the sky now dusted in rose and salmon pink. The kind of evening that is saltwater for your soul, the calm in chaos. Fleecy clouds ablaze with color and edges trimmed in gold. The warmth travelling past a seemingly infinite horizon as flares of crimson beautifully shoot across the sky, burning holes into the atmosphere and letting the stars breathe.

Well maybe, endings could be beautiful too.