“Thank you for signing up! Please enter your name:___”. I was registering an account when I encountered this inquiry gazing right into my soul. I hesitated, my fingers drifting on the keyboard.

My name is Ziquan “Albert” Niu. It reads Zǐ Quán Niú, and it is supposed to be Niú Zǐ Quán, but the Americans would not know the difference. Ugh. 

I have not yet met a single foreigner who can successfully pronounce my name in their first try. Most people pronounce “Zí Kuàn”, but there are many amusing variations. When they do so, I am forced to become annoyingly pedantic. I, against both parties’ wills but out of a mysterious duty, start to explain how it is not their fault that the English language does not have a “Quán” sound; how tones and accents serve only to express exclamation or confusion in English, but dictate the identity of the word in Mandarin; how in Chinese family name goes first, and given name second. Nobody ever let my inspirational speech sink in -- why bother trying to learn a sound that is not a part of the language -- and I am back to being “Zí Kuàn”.

My family name did not escape scrutiny either. A week after my arrival at Govs I became “Albert Old”, as opposed to “Abert Niu (New)”. When my friends found out that my family name means cow or bull in Chinese, I transformed into “Albert Cow” with an accompanying “Moo” sound. I guess one has to respect the student folksy wisdom. Eh.

With Ziquan and Niu as contrasts, Albert seems like a name of a gospel. It is a standard English name, two syllables, easy to pronounce, with a handful of abbreviations available. It connects me with the British royal family (let’s face it, everything feels aristocratic and exquisite when they are connected to the British royal family ), with Albert Einstein (afterall that was my father’s intention when he named me), and most importantly, to the English-speaking society. An Albert is just like a Harry or an Evan, it blends in perfectly, and never creates a fuss.

Gradually and subconsciously, I taught myself to just be Albert and bury the Ziquan. 

I am still unable to type anything. Should I put in Ziquan, the name given to me at birth, the name on my ID, my Chinese name; or Albert, the more normal name, my English name, and betray my Chinese identity? Am I the Chinese teenager, or the international student, trying to be just like an American? I am unsure, undecided, schizophrenic.

I made up my mind and typed both names. Ziquan “Albert” Niu. Hmm, it does have a certain ring to it. 

I am Albert, the guy who does not challenge his teachers when they take attendance; but I am also Ziquan, the person I have always been, the Chinese despite being on a foreign land. No number of mispronounced syllables will change that: I will just keep correcting people. What can I say? This bull is a stubborn one.