I had always been a doubter.

As much as I wanted to believe, something always held me back. There were times when I was certain He was real, and there were times when I lay awake at night panicking because I wasn't sure if I would go to Heaven, only to dash into my parents' room a minute later asking them to help me not be afraid.

Maybe it was my overthinking mind that was to blame.

I weighed facts and opinions and stories and testimonies and tried very, very hard to believe with every part of me that God existed. I spent hours trying to convince myself into believing. But ultimately, what good did it do? I wavered back and forth like a reed blowing in the wind, unable to control the way it leans at one moment or the next.

It took me years to fully believe, with every bone in my body. It took my best friend moving across the world, the death of my grandma, grandpa, and stillborn sister Ruthie to wake me up.

And no, I don't think God was being cruel.

He was giving me a chance.

When I was angry and heartbroken, trying to be alone, God was still with me. He kept me in the palm of His hand, even when I wanted to wriggle free. He knew me better than I knew myself.

August 31, 2021, something clicked. I remember lying in my bed, tears pouring down my face, as I was suddenly hit by God's grace. And His grace wasn't just in that moment. I began to realize how He had loved me for years and years, through all the struggles I had gone through, even despite my anger at Him.

Oh my. I had slapped Him in the face and said "Get away, I can do this alone!"

And He had bent down and whispered, "I'm not leaving you, daughter."

Since then, my life has been radically different. Although I accepted Christ at age 4, I didn't have a true, deep relationship with Him until that August night. He has continued to protect me from my own mistakes and emotions. I can't imagine where my purpose in life would be found apart from His goodness and love.

If you feel lost, don't give up. You're never too far gone; God can forgive anyone. He forgave me before I even wanted to be forgiven. 

You are not alone. You have a Savior who died for you.

Put the past behind you and come to Him.