As a young boy living in Astoria NYC, home to about 95,000 people, I was a little less outgoing than my family and neighbors. Even as a child I struggled to speak with others at all, excluding my parents and my sister. If I'm going to be honest, some hispanic families (or at least the ones I've met during my lifetime) have been pretty judgmental towards those that are a part of the family or are close to them. I would also be judged in elementary school for being less “daring” than other guys my age, not being interested in sports, etc. I believe these experiences early in my childhood shaped me today, and introduced me to the social issue of male gender socialization.

     What I experienced during elementary and middle school are what drove me to the decision to “improve” myself during high school. The second half of my high school experience is when I would say I experienced the most dramatic changes in my life. To many, my experiences during these times may be the norm, but my life was completely different in the first half and not in the most positive manner. My freshman year wasn’t my most productive, not only academically but also involving general daily activities. I would eat an excessive amount of calories, stay in bed for the majority of the day, and play video games. This was because I saw a dramatic change in many of my friends going from middle to high school, including their physiques and social skills. I would notice that some of them would even look down on me after they've achieved the skills they've wanted; witnessing how I have made little to no improvements on myself. It seemed as if my social media was mocking me too, bringing videos and clips of fit men accompanied with inspirational quotes to motivate me to “get up and do something with my life”. 

     At that point, I was tired of the disrespect I was receiving. From the very beginning of quarantine, I began to run on the treadmill for 20 minutes a day, accompanied with all of the weight training I was doing with it. For the first three months, my determination made the workouts easy, as they served as enough motivation to keep me consistent. Afterward, it felt like I began to dread going down the spiral staircase, standing on the treadmill, and moving my legs back and forth for 20 minutes. However, my dad would tell me “if you wanna see a change kid, you’re gonna have to stop being lazy and do it every single day, got it. I was in the military for 4 years, I know what working hard feels like”. These words made me feel of less worth, but it was exactly what I needed, as my mindset for every workout consisted of the words “if you don't do this, you’ll be the same for the rest of your life”. I would continue to work out consistently, and even continue to research how to enhance my workouts to get the best results. 

However, there was one particular day in August 2021, where all of my efforts seemed to be recognized the most; and I started to feel all of my accomplishments. The day would begin right after a vigorous night of running, so I woke up almost unable to lift my legs. 

“Adrian, you have 20 minutes to get ready!” my mom yelled, echoing through the hallway outside of my room. 

I had forgotten about my booked doctor's appointment for my throat. The sunlight coming from the window shined on my brown, rectangular drawers, almost signaling to me that I should listen to my mom and start to get ready. As soon as I stepped foot into the doctor’s office, I noticed the different posters displaying the human anatomy on the walls, the shiny metal drawers and desk, along with a bed covered in a white sheet. While this would normally make me nervous coming in, and was almost as if it gave me a sense of confidence. I was going to the same doctor’s office I have been visiting for my whole life, but it felt like I walked in there a totally different person. It had been a while since I visited, due to the pandemic(roughly a year). The doctor walks in, and I notice his eyebrows raise as he turns his head towards me. 

“Woah! You look much more fit than before.” he claimed. 

I thanked him for his kind words as he checks on me, and it appeared my efforts also helped in making my throat condition better. 

“No, thank you! Continue to work hard, because I can tell it's making a serious change in your health.” 

To be thanked by the doctor, remembering that he would always give me diet plans to lose weight, felt like an accomplishment. 

Later that day, I would hang out with my friends after not seeing them for nearly 6 months. We had plans to watch a movie together. As soon as we met up in the movie theater, the first thing I noticed was that some of them appeared to have gained weight. This shocked me, since they appeared physically fit at the beginning of quarantine. However, they began to point out my physique, saying how I look more “manly” now. It had seemed to me that they appeared to be looking up to me instead, contrary to what they would be doing before. I had also practiced some sports for the past year, so I was able to play basketball evenly with them, and become better than some of them. 

During this time I was with my friends, I never stated to them that I would be thinking “woah…what happened to them?”, while they would shower me with compliments. It felt as if the roles reversed, and that I was the one who was more accomplished, and they were the people who were falling behind. This day alone felt like one positive event for me, since it felt like I was being praised left and right, and finally being acknowledged as a true “man”, which was one of my goals when I began to implement workouts and sports into my life. This day served as a true motivator for continuing to workout and reach even greater heights to my improvement than ever before. My motivation for working out turned from feeling that I was worthless, to feeling successful. After that day, my friends would invite me more often to group events, more people would text me often, etc. 

The rewards for all of my efforts finally began to bestow themselves upon me, as if it was a gift. This gift would speak to me and say “Look, you finally did it. Be proud of yourself.” From that moment onward, I would continue to be praised by those that knew me, even by the most harsh family members I had. This also allowed me to stop putting them on a pedestal because of how much they made it seem as if they were “better” than me. This allowed me to become more confident in socializing with them, and creating stronger relationships with them. By the time I had to return to school, I felt proud of myself and was able to make new friends because I wasn't afraid to talk to people as much anymore. However, it was very noticeable how male gender association (the characteristics of a man shaped by society) had affected me throughout my life. Some of these characteristics would be a fit physique, being good at sports, being confident, etc. It was the biggest motivation for my change in lifestyle, after all. But I am proud of the motivation and determination I had during the whole process of my “transformation”, and it made me finally become comfortable in my own skin. 

Ever since that day that I went to the doctors, I would be the one to wake up my parents, instead of my mom coming in my room to wake me up. There would be no sunlight shining on my drawers, since the sun would still only be rising at the time that I wake up now. I take daily cold showers, which many are not able to consistently, or at all. I became someone who can do things that many people are not able to do, and I am very proud of that.