Second hand smoking is considered to have more harmful effects on a non-smoker than the effects on smokers. But it is okay because I wouldn’t take back a single second that I had with him. Taken away from us by the totality of multiple kinds of cancer, organ failure, and old age. I wish I had spent more time with him while I had the chance. 

It has taught me to no longer take the time that I have with my grandparents for granted. The sad part is that it took losing one of them to realize this. Paying attention to the little details about them and treasuring every moment. Making them some of my best friends.

Remembering the night before he left us. It was just over a month before school ended my freshman year. We got the call that his time will be up soon. Immediately we drove up to Alabama just to spend our final moments with him. We got to Mobile and their house was full. 

  We entered the den and there was a hospital bed where the couch was. What looked like a pile of bones was laying under multiple blankets and a beanie. There was a silence in that room like no other. There were many members of the family standing around leaning on each other with silent tears streaming down their faces. I know that I was supposed to go and say my final words and goodbyes to him but I could not. Holding his cold and boney hand, I could not speak a word. That's when my cousin Brayden came over and talked for me. “Hey Peepaw, Sydney is here. Do you see her?” Looking at his face, there was no motion, just an eternal greyness around him. But then I felt his hand delicately tightening around mine, not even harsh enough to crease a rose petal. The lump in my throat felt like it was going to burst yet I couldn’t move.

What do you mean it's all over? Everything will just be a memory now? What if I forget what he sounds like. Or the way that his cough sounded like he had some major tuberculosis. How you could hear his slippers from dragging his feet in the hallway in the middle of the night when he goes out to smoke. Waking up at 6 in the morning to the sound of his coffee brewing followed by the smell of Folgers coffee. And during the weekly rosaries over the summer, he told my cousin Cara and I “You have to say it with your voice so that God can hear it. You can’t mouth it.” 

We all went to bed that night with a heart rending feeling. It was when my mom came into our room the next morning to wake me up and she told me in a face full of tears that he had died in his sleep. I didn’t comprehend it because I was still half asleep. But a few minutes later I stood up and went to the bathroom and it was in the hallway where my sister's boyfriend Cooper met me and said “He’s gone.” I broke down and all he could do was make sure I didn’t fall. He stood there patiently with me as I bawled. 

The following days, people from all over the county had visited and brought food and condolences. The rest is a blur until the day of the funeral. At the burial, he got the 21 gun salute, then a Naval cargo plane flew over. It was beautiful. The big Alabama sky was shining big and blue that day, but the grass was still watered with the rain from our tears. 

The ride back to their house was short so we were able to listen to one song. “I Wish Grandpas Never Died” by Riley Green. The world felt smaller without the comfort of his presence. The most shameful thing I have to admit, is not being grateful for my grandparents and appreciating them just being around. Only realizing this at the cost of losing a grandfather.

Now I am paying attention to everything that they do. Taking notes on the little details in even their appearances. The way that Mimi sometimes accidentally wears two different earrings. Or how long Nana’s hair is getting longer after beating cancer and going through chemo. How Pop has worn the same style of Colombia fishing shirts every single day for years. My new favorite thing is going out to lunch after shopping for hours with both of my grandmas. Also helping Pop grill and cook because he always lets me get the first taste. And making myself the best that I can be so that I can make them proud. It is the least that I can do because Nana said “I beat cancer and fought through chemo just to see how you will succeed." So I can’t let her down. 

Being grateful for every act that they do whether it's Pop teaching me everything he knows about fishing and fixing things. Talking gossip with Nana everywhere we go. Or making cookies with Mimi and having tea with french toast like we did growing up. Trying to remember their eyes and their scents because I don’t know what life is without them. They are the most stable thing that I have ever had. I would never trade any of the love, laughter, or traditions for the world because my grandparents are my best friends.