Empty


How could I have been so foolish? So oblivious? So stupid? I should have seen it coming…and I did. Of course I couldn’t avoid this never ending pit of hell I called home. I didn’t want to believe how bad things had become. But that day I had to…

Waiting outside of my middle school for my dad to pick me up, the sun shone bright. Almost too bright. At that moment everything was so perfect. Almost to perfect. My dad pulled up and I leaped into the car to greet that friendly face I loved. Everything was like normal. Almost too normal. We laughed and talked about our day so openly like we always did. I loved him so much, the way he could always make things better, the way we could talk about anything, how relaxed I felt with him. I looked up to my dad.

We pulled up the driveway but he didn’t open the garage. “Go ahead and get out. I’ll be home in a while,” he said. “Where are you going?” I asked. Brief pause. “Uh…the grocery store.” He finally replied. “Can I come?”I questioned. He shook his head. He suddenly seemed more serious. “No, you need to start your homework,” he said sternly. He seemed too persistent to argue with. “Okay, love you, I’ll see you in a while,” I yelled as I shut the car door.

I walked into the kitchen and my mom was on the phone. “The usual,” I thought. But then I looked at her a bit closer and I saw big tears running down her face. When she saw me she looked shocked, said bye quickly, and slammed the phone down. “Did your dad just drop you off?! Is he still out there?” her sadness turned to anger. She ran out the front door, not giving me time to answer and waved him back up the driveway before he could go anywhere. I stood there, looking out the window, more confused than ever. He got out of the car as my mom pounded her fist into his chest. I watched in shock as curse words were thrown back and forth as my mom shrieked at him with her flooding emotion. “What could they be fighting about today?” I thought. But then I saw the papers. The divorce papers. My mom snatched them from my dad and came inside. As my dad pulled away my heart sank. He was gone. He lied. He had tricked me.

“Did you know about this?” I asked my mom, with a thumping chest. Still scattered she answered, “No, I came home and all his stuff was gone. I’m so sorry Kim.” I was too furious to cry. “Are you okay to be here a while on our own? I need to get some stuff figured out?” she asked, rushing around. “Yea…its fine…” I replied.

No. It wasn’t fine. Not at all was I anywhere close to fine but I did want time alone. When my mom left I stood in the mirror, looking at my broken reflection. The loss I felt didn’t hit me until I walked into my dad’s bedroom. Nothing. Everything was gone. His bed was gone. His furniture was gone. His guitar that he’d play for me sometimes before bed time was gone. All of it was gone. Tears filled my eyes when I saw the only thing left was a painting I had made in Elementary School. It was of my parents and I. All of us together for once. Fake smiles plastered on our faces. The art work made us look happy, even though I knew we never were. It was like the last thirteen years of my life had all been a wasted lie. I felt so much betrayal and at that moment I hated my dad. I hated him. How could he leave like this? Why now? When I needed him most, right before high school. So many unanswered questions. How could someone I loved so much hurt me so bad? I broke down. Sitting with my back to the wall, now feeling as empty as the room itself.

A month after that day my dad finally asked to start seeing me again. He knew I had a wall built up but I knew I needed to forgive him. I have forgiven him externally, though on the inside I still feel anger towards him at times. It’s still hard to trust my dad but our relationship is becoming real now. I remain confused about what happened and I’ve finally accepted that I might never understand. I want to thank him though, because the anguish he has caused only made me stronger in the end. So thank you dad. Thank you.