Running to and from something

As of now I know I embrace the feeling of one of my insecurities: Pain. I lack the desire to continue to hold on because I lose interest in what people call “the good life.” When I lose interest, depressing events take place because of painful breakups, lack of self-steam, disappointment, misery, sensation, and my empathy my gift from god; this corrupts my body and mentality it takes me to a fearful place where a new person forms inside of me but it’s clear that this person is not me. When this unknown entity overpowers the inside of me; I tend to start running from something, running from tenderness struggling to find my way out. I’m running from pain and I know it’s a true wretchedness because I’m but I shouldn’t be letting so many feelings of hurt take over me at once.
I’m running from my gift that I am blessed with that is my ability to randomly see events before they take place. I have dreamed and sensed the death of some of my closest family members and friends; I have seen troubles before they took place, so clearly it’s not always the best feeling to have this gift because I have to see things and dealt with appalling dealings.
I loved my boyfriend and when this took place I realize that I went too far and let my existence be all about him and for that I accuse myself always because he took advantage of my love for him and he thought he was controlling who I am. He treated me like I was nobody but I know out of every stage we have overcome at the end of the day the reality was and is still I love him unconditionally . So I am running from these painful obstacles; I have been terrorized, I had to fight so many ignorant girls at once, all by myself. My boyfriend let me fight these girls he calls his friends all alone, but all along I didn’t deserve any of that and still I don’t deserve any of the treatment I get from him today at times this is how he made me feel.
These human beings were being grimy to me including him; They were going behind his back backstabbing him and he didn’t know but he couldn’t have known which I don’t blame him for that part because these girls were playing the pleasant side to him while they were going back to me playing the malevolence side to me this blinded him from being able to be the charming person that he really was, they blinded his devotion and values for me and himself cause of this matter he wasn’t able to see the truth when he wasn’t around he had been to busy taking their side while it was making me feel like a total stranger and this is not something I don’t akin to in life and his so called friends made it painful for me; this took him to a place where he lost himself and he did not know who I was, now he is uncomfortable and I am too and that is I am anxious to open up to anyone but realism is I had to defeat those girls alone.
I now suffer frequently living with this every day of my life knowing someone has hurt me over a million times. I’m running because these poor events have affected me. This pain has made a false impact on my life; however I am still trying my hardest to seek and comprehend that there is a “Good life” out there somewhere. God put me through these painful tasks for a reason don’t get me wrong I’m not perfect, I have done my dirt too but the legitimacy is I changed from it I’ve learned from my mistakes and developed from it to learn how to adore life, live life and change my hideous ways from the past but the bottom line is tenderness still today suffices me, this entity called pain follows me everywhere I go but I never am able to stay in peace or confine with peace because it’s haunting me and gosh am I running.