Some things are bad. Some things are ugly. Some things are mean. Some things are terrible. Some things are horrid. Some things are appalling. Some things are depressing. Some things torment you. Some things are heartbreaking.
But even if I have experienced all these things, there is one I can deem worse than all of these feelings, these experiences.
Over one year ago, I lost my best friend. I met him when I was born. He was much older than me. And probably the most important thing about him was he wasn't human. My best friend was a horse, that may make me sound friendless and pitiful but that was how it was when I was young. I was short, I was skinny, I cried, my hair was ratty, my eyes were too big, my arms too skinny. I wasn't very popular but he was my friend.
He never judged me, he never told me off for my mistakes like my parents did. Anytime I tried to tell them about the other kids bullying me, calling me a crybaby she told me to ignore them, he told me to turn my head. How long was I supposed to do that, take what they threw at me? But he was there and just touching his mane gave me the courage to tell them I had enough. He gave me the courage to boost myself out of that hole. So I went on to go to a magnet middle school not go to the crappy school I would've gone to. There I was accepted, it was a new start.
But he was still there and I still told him about the little girl dramas in my life. Then I gained a new guy in my life. I talked to him, wrote to him, walked with him and I told my best friend all about him.
I met new friends who changed me, and I told him about that too.
I told him about my goals and hopes and he sat there as I stroked his mane and listened.
The next year my grades dived, I didn't care as much but I didn't keep it a secret, I told him about it.
And I still had that I guy that at the time I loved so much.
Then the summer school let out of seventh grade, he died.
He was just gone. Just taken away from me. I knew he would be gone, but I never imagines it would be so soon. Too soon. Too close to me in time.
I felt like my soul had been severed in two, like I wasn't complete anymore.
That year I broke up with my boyfriend, and he said one of the meanest, hurtful things anyone could have said.
"You just have to get over the horse Kari."
He was my best friend, my comfort, the barn that was his home was my sanctuary and I was just supposed to get over him? My best friend and I was just supposed to drop him off the face of the Earth and just forget about him? I didn't think so, I hated him for that, wanted to make him hurt because he didn't have that type of a bond so he didn't know what it was like. Like losing your world.
Almost the end of the year and I began to trust him again, let him into my mind and my heart. And we were together again, and after a few weeks into the summer, I ended it with him. And he left me a terrible voicemail. Didn't even have the guts to say it to my face. So I changed my number, kept him away but he found my number and couldn't be content with me telling him I hated him, to never talk to me because the last three years of my life had been a mistake.
They had, and for the worst of it I couldn't tell my best friend about because he had moved on.
Now, after a year and a half, I can't forget them. I've made a new start again but he is still in my heart as I laugh and smile.
These mistakes I've made, I can't take back. Now I don't even have him to talk about it.
His name was Dude, and he was the absolute best friend I have ever had. He died July 12th, 2009. Today, that I write this, it is December 2nd, 2010.
The worst thing you can ever feel... is losing your best friend to the cold fingers of death and I hope you never have to feel what I had to go through.