I think I'm going crazy, without him I don't feel right. So now thoughts of him just wonder through my head leaving marks like footprints in the snow. All I can think of is him. We started out bad. I don't care how mean it sounds but I didn't like him that much in the beginning. He was so pushy and just acted so much cooler than me. He wanted to have sex after the first week and he was mean at school. He would act like we never talked. It was as if the song Hot and Cold was written about him. Also he was obsessed with the idea of me giving him a blow job. But let me tell you, he sure was surprised when I pushed him off the first time. He did not expect me to say no and remove his hand from going up my shirt, but I did. I tell you he looked like a deer in headlights. Personally I think he liked it, just a little bit. He expected me to be a pushover and when I want he saw it as a challenge. He'd never admit it, but he did. I think guys like the idea of being a girls first, just because that means they claimed them. The girl might have more sexual partners but he'll always be the one who hit that first. And I would never want to admit this but I thought about breaking up all the time. and confession of all confessions I told myself that I couldn't let him be my first. Only because I felt sooooo pushed. He would honestly use the line 'if you loved me you would,' total jerk 101. Then something happened. We fell in love, and Jesus did I fall. I don't even know when it happened but it did. It's sad how much I love him. He is super obsessed with looking in the mirror and I honestly think it's the cutest thing ever!!!!! And he makes me laugh, all the time, even when I'm trying to be mad at him. At some point I said to myself he has to be my first. Now it's moths later and I'm still madly in love with him. And I don't know where he stands anymore. I honestly know he loves me but he just cant let me in. But I let him in, when I didn't let anyone in, I let him in. And I need him to let me in if he wants me to be in his life. But I don't know if he can do it. And I'm scared because I think I might be pregnant, what will happen then. He has to chose me, he has to chose this family cause I can't do it by myself but the idea of me being pregnant. If I was pregnant it would honestly be a baby that created through the highest definition of love. I love his quirks and I can handle things that other girls wouldn't be able to handle. Like he can be really selfish, and he can be a straight up jerk A LOT, and he has bad anger problems. But I can handle all of that I just need him to make the choice to let me in. I think his selfishness is funny and I understand the true meaning behind all of the douche bag things he says all the time. As for his anger problems he is working on them with me and has been better recently. And never, ever, would he hit me. Anyways now I'm sitting here with him stuck in my mind wondering what the f*** is going to happen to us. I wish I could tell myself that everything would work itself out, if only to get one nights sleep. One where I don't dream about him and how much life sucks without him. In the ending having time apart has changed me. It's made me realize how much I really do love him but also how he's right. I need to have hobbies, so... this right here is my hobby. I like to think I'm good at writing. And now I'm trying to get my life together. I have a solid counselor, a hobby, friends, and at least a little bit of self respect. But I can't help but think I'm going crazy, like bad s*** crazy, cause I can't get him out of my mind. F***, I'm in love