It's nothing near living. I could go throw you back to my "it all started when I was.." stories but this soul of mine has more of a habitual problem that's lasted all of these 17 years.

Escapism. We all do it. From overeating, to cleaning, to music and all the way to marinating in the smoke and alcohol. "So crack a Bottle and let your body waddle" -Eminem.

But what happens when your eating to the point you can't walk for days and clean till you don't leave the house because that's all you're doing. Smoke & drink everyday till reality just doesn't seem to cut it.

I've hit rock bottom many times. Refusing invites to parties; too busy finishing that new game. Teen years, refusing to go home; too busy being happy for once with a few blunts, bottles and my crew. Now I'm in a situation that requires me to try living without any of my dopamine release. Time to let go after holding on to something since birth. Even noticed obsessive behavior with my girl or former, it's hard getting past someone or thing that's been helping you get through those stressful, strenuous and traumatic experiences.

But I wasn't thinking when the time would come to be serious about actually going to classes and not learning how to do a kick flip, scoff at authority and talk the dude at the deli into letting you buy that bottle, a pack & some rollies.

A 17 year old trapped in an unfamiliar country without any outlet but writing trying to do his best to get back to his home, NYC. only familiar to alternative realities, addictive behaviors that have been embedded into my neural pathways. These habits have clouded my personality. I'm someone who I've never met. I'm grieving, for myself. I know it's odd but it's really like I've murdered myself, and let others throw dirt on my casket because after a long line of insanity inducing experiences I don't know how to get past it. How can I even begin to crawl out the hole I've created for myself? How can I escape escapism?