As I lay in this hospital bed, with people in blue all around me, and tubes hanging out of my limbs, I can’t help but wonder what else is out there. I have spent my time wondering how much this is going to hurt and remembering the pain from the last time, but I am sick of fear. I am sick in other ways too, but I really hate the fear. I have to wonder what will happen if this time the surgery doesn’t work. What if the deformed vein in my brain finally does bleed? Where will I end up, is it everything mom has told me or just blackness? If I got to pick I would choose heaven because I’m not done with the people I love in this world yet and I would love to spend time with them in another. I can’t even imagine how it would look or what we would do; but I hope it’s there and I have more time than what I’ve gotten so far. Plus everyone would be so sad, everyone who has stayed with me through this, I would want to tell them I was ok and in this amazing place which is nothing like the world they’re in now. I would tell them to hold on, it gets better. Yet for now all I can do is lie still and count back from 100 wondering if I’ll ever see this world again.