What was the worst mistake I ever made?  Well, let me tell you about that day.   Man just looking back at it, even after so many attempts to try and forget, here’s what I can remember. It was like God set up that whole friday like a scene in a movie. It was dark and gloomy with a light rain, but heavy enough that I needed to keep my hood up. My boots were soaked from all the puddles I could not fully hop over. My hands were ice cold, they started looking pink and were almost stiff. Oh man did they hurt! I told my mom I was spending the night at my best friend’s house, but when she cancelled on my plans with her, everything had changed and when I looked at my phone I saw his name pop up with a short message, “Where you at?” He told me where to meet him and his boys. I got closer and closer and when I got to them, they handed me something. When I took it, I just looked at it and felt it’s stickiness. I was not going to judge,so I just laughed and took a puff… or three, and after that, my night turned into roller coaster… literally. 

The next day, after school I walked with two of the best friends I’ve ever known, I put my headphones in and the only thing I could hear were the lyrics to Hotline Bling. But in the back of my mind, I could not stop thinking about all that responsibility and how I just could not do it! I told myself I have a job, I have friends, I have a family and I still am trying to take care of myself. All I could hear was my dad’s voice saying “everything you do reflects on the whole family and everyone around you!” Knowing I have let them down before and the memories of the pain I felt ran through my veins like a porcupine, all fast and prickly.

Typically whenever I need to make a decision, I picture a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. But that night, I really don’t know what happened to my angel. It is like the strength of my feelings for him covered her up. Wherever she was, she was missed… I really needed her that night. All I needed was to hear the sound of her high pitched fairy like voice whispering in my ear, telling me not to do it. While the the two little “spirits”, if you will, were arguing on my shoulders I slowly started to tune them out and when I looked back up off the ground, I saw him staring at me.I took a step back and smiled. Oh how he made me smile. He was so tall… But now that I think about it most guys my age are taller than me. I rubbed my eyes and turned to walk away to move to another part of the playground. We were right outside the elementary school I went to as a child. Memories were running through my mind, both the good and the bad. It was getting dark and because he was dressed all in black. Black jeans, faded black hoodie with white bolded piece of slang written across his chest, and a pair of black boots. Kind of tacky to be honest, all he needed was a red or white bandana across his head and he would look like one of those guys that try to act like they are a blood or crip.

Since that night whenever I walk through the halls at school, no matter where I am in the building, I always feel like eyes are glued on me.  Some people say things and others just stare. That day, I looked everywhere for my angel but she was nowhere to be found.  Even without her, I knew I could count on my two best friends. 
I just stood there waiting for an answer, with one of my friends on the other side of the cold, metal wall that had a distorted and shadowy figure of what looked to be an image of myself. Then all of a sudden, the image started talking, “Why did you do this? Do you like being treated like this? They are using you! They do not care about you or your feelings! Why can’t you get that through your head!?” Two minutes passed and all I could do was read the box over and over again hoping I made a mistake or missed something. I kept wondering, maybe I broke it or if I would have needed to wait any longer or if it had an expiration date that had already passed. I tried coming up with every excuse in the book. Then, slowly but surely that single line started to appear. It was a light grey, like the color on old ladies head, and was so faded it was like it wasn’t 100% sure what it was trying to tell me. But I knew deep down what it was trying to say and I felt like the happiest person on earth. I got weak at the knees and just could not hold myself up any longer. If the stalls were cleaner I would have sat on the ground and just cried tears of joy.

For the rest of that day, all that I could think about was that this was a warning, or a second chance and quite possibly my last. It was God’s way of telling me I am doing well, but I need to watch myself. So, I told myself, I am going to make it count, and since then, I started to live everyday like it is my last. Before I do anything I think about if this is how I want people to remember me. Meaning when I want love or attention that I am going to give it to myself rather than going to someone else who could care less. To accomplish this, I just need to stop calling myself names and bringing myself down. I need to take all the compliments that people give me instead of denying them and telling people no. I have to remember, just because I like someone doesn’t mean I have to go and give them everything they they want. What about my wants and needs? Do I matter? Of course I do.