There’s things I tell myself to try and make things a little easier. I’m not sure if it makes life easier or harder. The whole “God” thing stumps me. I’m not sure what is up there, who created the universe, if miracles are true, or just insane coincidences. I don’t know and it bugs me like a splinter in the thumb. I’m a logical thinker so everything has to have a reason and purpose. I have a hard time with “faith”. Believing in something truly because someone else says it’s real, isn’t something I’m okay with doing.

Yes, I do believe something is up there, I just don’t know what. I used to say I don’t believe in God because let’s face it, where’s the proof? People say that is where faith comes in. Well like I said before, I have a hard time with that. I believe there is something up there, a higher power, and that’s what I call him. I figured this out because when I would tell myself there was no God, I would catch myself feeling guilty. I felt like I  was lying to myself. But why? I came to the conclusion that I did believe in something, my higher power. It isn’t the story book kinda guy in the white clouds with robes on. I picture him as a spiritual being who watches over all of us.

My dad once told me something that also helped me solidify my beliefs. He said, “It’s better to believe and be right, than to not believe and be right.” That’s very true. I know you shouldn’t rely on the future to decide your life decisions at the moment but it’s just easier that way. It’s a way to live and not be scared of death and what comes after you die. Everyone says you shouldn’t be scared of death and a lot of people say they’re not, but I don’t believe that. How can you not be afraid to leave your family or friends? How can you not be afraid of the grief you are going to put on your loved ones when you go? That just doesn’t make sense to me. I’m terrified.
My life hasn’t always been easy. It’s one of the main reasons I’ve struggles with faith. I told myself I didn’t believe because I was angry. I couldn’t believe that if there was a “God”, he would let me go through the things I did. I entered foster care when I was 1. My foster parents did horrible things to my brother and I. There’s a lot of other things I went through and it was like where’s my miracle? Not only mine, but where is everyone else's miracle? Where are the miracles for all the babies and small children that are being molested and beaten? It doesn’t make sense. What have they done to deserve that? Sometimes it’s just easier to not think about those things though.

There’s so many things I want answers to and i don’t think i will ever get them. I also don’t believe in the Bible. It’s hard for me to believe that a religion that 2.2 billion people are a part of. For all we know it could have been a bedtime story or a memoir. It could have changed multiple different times throughout history as it got passed along with everyone who re-wrote it adding their own two cents. Yes, there could be stories in there that are true and unchanged but the whole thing? To me, there’s just no way. However, that’s my opinion and I could be wrong. You never know. No one does.