Gymnastics has been apart of my live for as long as I can remember. I really only got into the sport because my best friend was doing it. I had no intentions to excel in the sport. Soon enough, without even realizing, I was really catching the hang of things. I remember the other girls on my team talking about skills and I would ask what they were talking about, they would laugh at me and say “How are you a gymnast and not even know what a Giant it?” Soon enough I was doing those skills. I never felt like I had a big head. It took me a few years to even realize that I could be going somewhere with this sport. After two years of training at my gym, American Academy of Gymnastics, I was moved to a higher team. From that day on, gymnastics was the normal for me. Every morning I would wake up to my mom kindly shaking me, go to school impatiently waiting to get out, rush out right after the bell rang and actually run to my moms car. I had to change in the car on the way to the gym or else I wouldn't make it on time. I used to get in the trunk and slip on my leo while making sure I was crunched below the window so the cars couldn't see me. Once I arrived at the gym, I would run in and begin warm ups. To this day, I have no idea how had had enough energy to go through a whole day of school, three hours of practice, rush home to finish homework, and still go out and play with my neighbors before I had to shower and go to bed.

This was my life. I never questioned it. I did what I was told and gymnastics had been the most important thing in my life at that point, I would do anything for it.

As years went on, the only thing that changed was the training and the competitiveness. Practice hours went up and the tension at meets grew. I didn't mind it because, once again, I loved the sport. I qualified to state and regionals many times. It was out of the ordinary to not win a meet.

In elementary school, I really struggled in math and reading. I felt that because of gymnastics, I was still a kid with worth. It gave me a reason to get through the school day. Gymnastics was my outlet and the one constant in my life that I could always rely on. I loved the sport like it was my best friend.

I carried on my career at my club gym up until I started high school. That's when I started competing for my school. It was very different. The competioning was definitely more intense and we had up to three meets a week. I remember my coach always saying after a meet: “good jobs girls, now let's prepare for the next one”. It seemed that there was no time to take a breath and relax. This was something I was definitely not used to. I was so unbelievably mentally and physically exhausted. Although it was difficult, I still had enough love for the sport to keep it up.

Freshman year, I really felt out of place but I tried my best to show what I could do for my team. I struggled a lot when being under pressure at big meets and I was really good a criticising myself. Even after a good runtin, I wasn't satisfied. I would tell myself “you could have been tighter” or “you should have stuck that”. By the end of that season, I tore a ligament in my ankle and although I had qualified to state I was only able to compete one event. Of course I was heartbroken. I put so much time and effort into making it this far and it was all taken away in the matter of a few seconds. My sadness took over for the next few days but my determination quickly kicked in and I was ready to work as hard as I could do do better the next year. A few months later I fractured my back and that took three months out of the gym and months of physical therapy. Once again I found the strength get get back up. I qualified for state again and then cracked under pressure. I messed up on almost every event and I was the first time that I didn't have the strength get get back up after being knocked down.

It was deja vu.

Gymnastics was no longer my friend, but an enemy. All it had done for the the past two years was get my hopes up just to completely crush me. I wanted nothing more but to give up. I really thought about it.

After a couple of weeks off, I missed being in the gym. I don't know why I liked it so much. The only thing you could smell was an abundance of sweat, smelly feet, and dry chalk. Not only could you smell the chalk, but you could see it all around you too. From the moment you walked in, your vision was transformed into a haze. This was my second home and being away didn't feel right. It was summer and I was ready to work hard, again. Going into my junior year, I remember not being as excited and motivated for this season. I promised myself I wouldn't get my hopes too high just to be crushed again. I went through my first season with no major injuries. Although this sound like a big step for me, it doesn't mean the season was a breeze. It was anything but a breeze. I started to constantly get mental blocks and simple skills that I had been doing since I was a kid seemed impossible. If felt ubsered to balance all the school work involved in junior year and practice hard, and do well at meets. This was the most pressure I had ever felt in my life. I found myself falling apart much more and I should have been. All I wanted was for everything to stop.

Stop.

Just for a minute to breath and relax. This was an unrealistic dream. State rolled around the corner and I tried my best to pull myself together for this last week. I qualified again, but then fell on beam and messed up my bar routine. Another season that seemed ruined. The countless hour of stress, pain, and pressure all for nothing, or so it felt.

After that season I took a break from the sport that I once loved. This is the longest I have ever been away from the sport, in fact I am still on my break. I now am facing the hardest decision of my life: make my peace with the sport and leave now, or push through another season. I want more than anything to be done with this career. I can say with one hundred percent certainty that this sport has been hurting me rather that helping me recently. For some reason I don't feel like the decision is up to me. All I can think about is my parents, and how they are so proud of me everytime I come home from a meet. My coaches and how they never abandoned me. My team who has always cheered me on. I couldn't let them down. I believe this is a moral decision. Knowing myself, I will feel guilty with no matter what decision I make.

There is no doubt that have have struggled with trying to make this decision. I can see how an outsider would think that I am just being dramatic, but this isn't just a sport to me. It has been my life for as long as I can remember. I Have had sleepless nights and I have been second guessing myself for a while now. These past few months have been really hard for me but I have learned a few things: as hard as it is, don't let other people's opinions guide you. It took me way too long to understand that you can't make decisions just to make others happy. The most important thing you can do is do what you think is right for you. Wrapping my head around this idea was one of the hardest things for me. It might sound like common sense, but your common sense will leave you when you are really struggling.

I have decided to extend my break and see how I feel in a couple of months. I have pushed myself way too far and all I can do to make that up to myself is to give myself a well deserved break. I hope that I will keep these values that I have learned for the rest of my life. Things aren't alway going to be sunshine and daisies, I know that. At times like these, all you can do it trust in yourself.