“Gimme da ball, you don’t want me to school you,” I proclaimed. Laquarious and I were in our shed ballin’ it up, we usually do this after practice or on off days. Then hit up the sticks (Xbox Controller) on 2K17. Oh and if you didn’t know, Laquarious is my homie, he’s been there for me since kindergarten. After I moved from Mississippi, right after my parents died, we made and own a toilet paper company so we can take care of ourselves. We built a run-down shed just for our passion, Basketball, and Laquarious sleeps there sometimes, in Chino Hills, California. Nicest neighborhood in California, we still can't figure out how we made enough money to afford to live there.
Later that night after Laquarious and I played a continuous and forever game of pickup bball. I still won by the way 200-199, after the ball popped. We went to the Xbox to play to 2K.
“Who you pickin’ JJJL?”
“I'm not sure, I might pick the Dubs.”
“Of course that figures, you’re gonna choke like they did. I’ll take the Cavs, Lebron is unstoppable.”
“Whatever man.”
Worst idea ever, never doing that again. I should not have stayed up that late.

2.
I shouldn’t have stayed up until three with Jaurris. I was having major regrets. Now it’s 7:45 AM and I haven’t started my fifty page essay and it’s due today. Today, it’s the seven year anniversary, since my family have died and I think I might skip school today due to “family matters”, so I can get my essay done. I looked at my phone and the instagram and found a selfie with me and Sean; I looked so lost as my silver eyes looked sparkly in the lights of the flash, my tats looked perfect on my body-builder body, and my perfect multi-color afro looked messy as it was going all over the place. So I woke up and I was going to take JJJL to school because he just got his license suspended for Reckless Driving, Illegal U-Turn, and Speeding. So I put on a hoodie, jeans, and Roshe. Then I started to head out. It was 9:45am and I had to get to 7/11 to meet up with Nia and go on a date at 11.
I called Jaurris and said, “Be ready and if you are late, I’m not taking you to school.”
Then I hung up. Jaurris has a tendency to be as dumb as a person without a brain and whenever I take him to school he always sleeps in so I wasn’t surprised when I saw him asleep on the couch. So I took water and chucked the bucket at his face. He awoke and started to get his school things, and we drove off. JJJL excuse for being late was that he was studying the movement of trees for four hours. Which I believed him because he is into that weird stuff. I drove off to see my gurl at 7/11. She was so hot that I have to throw water on her. (Literally) But that’s besides the point, I was 20 minutes away, and I had to be their in a minute. So I started to go 120 miles per hour in a school zone to get there. Cop sirens went off and I started to go 135 because I had to get out of the cops way. But then I saw a helicopter so I decided to pull over. The cop told me I was going 100 miles over the speed limit which I didn’t see the problem. I quickly got a basketball and put it under my shirt. Hopefully this will work.
He said, “Why were you speeding?”
“I’m pregnant and my water broke, and I think that is a sign of pregnancy, so I need to get to the hospital,” I replied.
“How many months are you pregnant?”
“Eight.”
“Well, you look great for eight months and I hope you get there safely.”
I thanked him and started driving to the restaurant. I met Nia and we started to splurge on gum, mentos, and one dollar hot dogs. It was very romantic and the scenery of urbanization made the food ten times better.
I went home after that and then I started on my essay. I should have started the essay earlier. Well, one page down, forty-nine to go.
3.
I hate school, especially first hour with Mr. Shinklesoff. He is the math teacher and makes us solve one step equations, I feel stupid. 7th graders do this stuff, and they say it's easy. And I´m not the only one, my boi, Laquare the Square, is dumber than a sack of rocks, but so am I, so it's all good.
But here I am, sitting in his class on the verge of extinction, he is so boring and talks like a drunk at the Pho Shizzle bar. He is random too, he talks about algebra and then says his cat is his only love of his life.
“So class, I am going to show you the ways of multiplication, again. But did I ever tell you how nice my cat is, she is a beauty.”
“Sir,” I interrupted. “Can I go to bathroom to fix my red locks?” I softly laughed. He looked annoyed and surprised at the same time.
“Yes you can go,” he looked displeased, “Don´t take too long Jaurris Jamar Jauarison-Lamar.”
“Got it sir,” I laughed. He is dumber than a box of rocks.
Yes got eemm again. But this time I was going to the gym to put up some shots. As I was walking down the hall there were some freshman teachers talking, so I smoothy walked around them, books in my hand and a fake cut in my hand with fake blood (Which I made with red marker and glue.) GOOOOOTTTT EEEEEEEEMMM, it always works. They just nodded and went back to their conversation. The gym was free, and so was I. I put in a ton of shots, and then I was tempted to text Laquarious but then I realized he wasn’t even at school, it kinda sucks not having him, I miss his juice box fade. But whatever, we have a game coming up and I need to focus.
After about two hours of shooting and dribbling I was finally done. I honestly thought Mr. Cat Lover didn’t come find me while I was shooting, but hey it's all good. Everyone says I need to keep my grades up but look at Jordan. He skipped classes and still made billions, so I don’t feel like doing school stuff and to be honest neither does half of my senior class, I’m pretty sure this is the worst senior class this school has ever seen. I went through the rest of the day, as usual not caring or enthusiastic. School sucks it's boring and you have to wake up early everyday.
4. After my day off, I felt ready for our game. I didn’t really have to do anything in school because my role model, Ben Simmons, had a 1.8 GPA and look at him now but since Valentine’s Day is coming up, our Language teacher, Mr Gary Winthorpe, has assigned us a love poem. So I came up with this to Nia Thea:

Nia, you look like you're a model
If I tear my ACL I will holler
If you watch my games, I’m a baller
Everyday it seems you are getting hotter
Let’s go to McDonald’s on the next date
You have to order a kid’s meal but don’t hate
You’ll have to wait till married
Merry St. Valentine’s Day

The teacher said I was Shakespear. Even though I thought my name is Laquarius. I told him I needed my potty break so he let me go. I have a condition called overactive bladder. So if I don’t, let out my bodily fluids every forty-five minutes. I will spontaneously combust.

I love lunch, it’s my favorite subject because you just eat food the whole time. Sometimes we have food fights if we have peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and if we have the secret meatloaf with secret sauce. I’m pretty sure it’s radioactive, but I haven’t died yet so I don’t know if that’s true.
It’s time for my least favorite subject, MATH, JJJL and I have flunked out of math seven times. We failed 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, and 7th three times, this is our fourth year in seventh grade math. It’s so hard multiplying two times two. I don’t understand it, if you had two groups of two, it would be four. But if you add two plus two, it makes four also. MIND BLOWN! 
After a long day at school, I showed up to the game right after school so I can practice for four hours. Since it’s the end of the year, us seniors get out two hours early for no reason at all. I met JJJL and we played 1v1 to 1000 before all five of our balls combusted, but that was fine because the game was about to start.
JJJL and I are ballers. We ended the game with a quadruple. 40 points, 16 turnovers, 10 assists, and 10 assists for the other team. It was one of my best performances I’ve ever had.
Nia came up behind me after the game and kissed me on the cheek,
“I loved your poem for me.”
“What poem?” I replied. I was light-headed after the kiss, but I managed to get out those words.
“The one that you wrote for Gary.”
My life just did a 180, and I felt really light headed; I started to shake because that was not for any one. Especially not the one true love of my life since Kindergarten. 
“Oh,” I said.
“Yeah, but do you want to go to this party tomorrow?” I
“Sure, but can JJJL come?” I was nervous because I will not go a party without my homie.
“Yeah if he doesn’t burn down the house.”
I did a happy dance as my chances to kiss Nia, on the lips, have just improved by a lot, but Sean has been notorious for burning down houses at parties. He has been suspended six times for it, but this time I was going to make sure he does not ruin my chances with my love of my life.
5. Laquarious said I was invited to a party and said the only rule was don't burn the house down. And it's only happened twice!! People need to chill!! I quickly got dressed in my rubber ducky swim trunks and put on a “Warriors Blew A 3-1 Lead Shirt” and headed out. I hate not having a driver’s license, but she lives near me so it’s all gucci.
As I arrived, I went straight to the back yard and noticed Laquare on the ground passed out, with a capri sun next to him.  I walked up to Nia,
“ Why in  the chicken nuggets is Laquare passed out? Was he gettin to turnt. If so LET ME GET SOME OF THAT CAPRI SUN!”
I ran over to the capri sun bar and drank one. Nothing happened, what a rip off, so I drank another one. Nothing happened, whatever I thought I’ll just go play hoops and challenge people. I beat everyone who wanted to play, they hoop game weak.
After about 5 minutes of watching Laquarius baptize Nia in 1v1 I was bored. I walked towards the shed and saw my glory, fireworks. I looked around to see if anyone noticed me, no one. And just to be clear this isn't trespassing… right? I walked in and went straight to the fireworks, “World's Greatest Fireworks, Big Loud And BBBBOOOOOOMMM” Man she loaded, where in the heck did she get these? Freakin the army or somethin’, but whatever let's get this party started. As I was get ready to launch the fireworks I noticed Brandon getting the schnozz kicked out of him by Laquare for being a jerk to Becky. So I decided to put the cherry on top, I aimed down my target, I lit it on fire and waited, nothing happened. Just then I heard a loud BANG, and thank god Becky had the loudest speakers ever and a lot of people. But in front of me there was nothing, only a bunch of people looking at me, I just nodded at them and turned around. The shed was on fire, colorful fire, it was pretty but not prettier than Kate Upton. But as I stared the shed was just burning and of freakin course she has grass, I thought California was in there dry season instead of Spring. But she had grass and that was now on fire heading straight for the house! Oh crap, not again, so I quickly fired another one to make it seem normal, but that one was even worse! I about killed me homie Show and I can’t let that happen but thankfully it was just his mustache and that was free. But I wanted to leave now cause it was getting boring now with people leaving for no reason. So I started to walk over towards Laquare and he was bored too, so I told him I needed a getaway vehicle. Before I get caught. He found a bike, a two seater with very uncomfortable seats. We took off towards our shed, by now the house was in ashes. 
6. The clock ticked down, I was guarding LaMelo Ball, 14 year old phenom, 5,4,3,2,1. LaMelo stopped dribbling and pulled up from the half court line. With the score 100-99, with our team winning, the ball seemed to be in slow motion, the buzzer rang in my head as the ball lowered into the hoop.

I awoke suddenly. I yelled, “Whew, just a dream.”
That dream was crazy but I had to get dressed for the party.
I wore swim trunks (so I can swim in the kiddie pool), my flippy-floppers, and a superman shirt. (I always wear my lucky superman shirt)
I called Nia and told her to come and pick me up. This isn’t sexist, but boy does Nia drive slower than a turtle. After three years, she finally arrived. I now know why it took her three years. She was driving a Tandem bike.
I said, “Why did you trade your 1950 ferrari for a tandem bike.”
She said, “I traded the ferrari for this and the Kylie Jenner Lip Kit, Do you see my lips? They are muy iluminado.”
I didn’t ask more questions because that was a good trade. It took us thirty minutes to get to a party but it was all worth it because they had Capri-Suns so it was all worth it. I took a sip of the drink and it tasted funny. I was woozy and the ground was moving under my feet.
At that time, I thought I had just died of poison. I fainted and woke up with a dude saying, “ Why in the chicken nuggets is Laquare passed out? Was he gettin’ to turnt. If so lemme get that Capri-Sun!” Then I jump into kiddie pool and then I realize that I can’t swim. HELP, HELP, I said underwater. Why didn’t hear me. I started swimming up and up. Then I realized I can touch the bottom. I stand up and breathe for air. I go to my girlfriend and ask her to play basketball.
“YO, Nia wanna ball?” I said. Nia isn’t the most athletic knife in the drawer.
“Sure, Babycakes,” she said.
Wow, she was sexier than Kate Upton, no lie.
“Check the ball up,” I said.
“K,” Nia said.
I crossed her, and I broke her ankles, but I let her get back on defense so I could 360 windmill over her. I wait for her and I jumped from the free throw line, cleared her my two feet and dunked it. She ran off because I baptized her and I tried to catch up. On my way , I saw Becky getting pushed by Brandon, her boyfriend of three days, I ran over and shoved Brandon over.
“Back off of Becky, Brandon!” I yelled.
He turned around and held a beer bottle at me. I did my jiu jitsu skills and knocked him to the ground. I kicked him again and said, “That’s what you deserve.” I started punching him until Becky said it was enough. I got some extra kicks into his stomach and then left because it started to get boring. I just as I got up to leave a firework blasted my moustache off my face. (On the bright side, I got a free shave.) I guess it got boring for Sean also because he came out of the shed smelling like smoke. I wasn’t going to say anything about it. I just decided that he was getting his party on. We left as the house went up in flames. Sean said he needed to get a getaway vehicle, so I told him about Nia’s tandem bike, and he liked the idea of that as his getaway vehicle, so he took it. The house once was big and tall, now it was all ashes. We pedaled as fast as the bike could take us and we got the h-e double hockey sticks outta there. (My mom never liked when I cuss, so I don’t ever say it.)

7. Man I hate getting suspended, what's the point of it anyway, so when to a party and drank alcohol or whatever it’s called, or burn down a house, it’s not my fault, Becky is the one who owned fireworks. Not to mention our team need Laquare and I, our coach needs those dope passes from Laquare and my back board breakin’ jams. That had to get new backboards twice this year because I´ve dunked to hard, but I don´t even jump that high, it´s super easy with towers for arms and tree´s for legs.
After we arrived to the airport to go meet with Mr. Hospital also known as Derrick Rose. Show was getting checked for anything else illegal because they found his katana, I don’t see how that’s bad he is just trying to make money. But he got it easy because I got searched because the detector went off. I flipped out, I started having a mental breakdown and the only way they calmed me down was by bringing me a soda and chips. I was all better and we hopped on the plane to New York and the plane was really boring, nothing to do except read, occasionally play on my phone or sleep. No hoops, no pool and no DQ Blizzards! This is worse than my GPA, I filed a complaint to the captain and he told me some words that are big boy words and I can’t say.
We were headed straight for Madison Square Garden and I was really excited, he is so good and he is gonna win a championship in the next 100 years. As I started towards the street there was car headed straight for Laquare, but I didn’t think to much of it because Laquare has snail like reflexes, so he’ll dodge it. But I was wrong he got freight trained by the mini cooper. I walked towards him, then I noticed a grandma on a pink moped and I laughed. That’s the last thing I remember.
8. We only got suspended for two games. I’ve been in worse trouble like when I smoked (tried to smoke) a pencil. I didn’t know that was illegal, but I guess it is. Or when I tried to get Brandon to slash my ex’s tires on her car, because she took my money and bought a McChicken extra mayo. Even though she knew that it was going to cost more, AND it takes longer. It’s a valid reason to break up with a girl I dated for five years, and to vandalize her car. In the end, paying for the new tires and doing fifty hours of community service was worth it, am I right? So, Sean and I’s business has been going very well. We made a profit of $500,000 in the last six months and we felt like we should splurge on a vacay. So, Sean and I went to New York City to get lessons from a human that would have been a demigod, but he got injured way too much and now he is on a bad team. To be honest, the only reason why I came to New York was to learn how to tear my MCL effectively. But we had to go through the most dreaded place on the world. Except prison. THE AIRPORT. The airport is a scary place. I got lost seventy-four times! In the first hours. We were going through security, and they found my katana. I bought it so I can trade for it on the black market for seven pesos. So I had to strip down to my tighty whities, and get emotionally maimed by a TSA officer.
I said, “Don’t touch me there, that is my no-no square.”
Then she said, “We have to check there because one guy last week had three grams of marijuana under there.”
“TMI.”
We went to the departure place and we went onto the plane. I played my phone even though they said not to play on the phone. The little trolley cart on the first class had some great deals. A bottle of water for five dollars, a mini steak with mashed potatoes for thirty, and a kit-kat for six. I bought everything they had because I’m balling on a budget, and so did Sean. The plane ride was boring because there were no basketball hoops in the plane! Like I payed ten racks for a seat, and they don’t have a pool in there. We got off the plane and headed to Trump Tower’s. I went to the Louis Vuitton, and Versace stores and spent about a thousand on socks and underwear, but I got a great deal; every purchase was a penny off. That’s a deal, like my boi Quavo said, “Versace, Versace. Medusa head on me like I'm 'Luminati.” After the shopping spree, Sean and I went to Blue Hill, and we bought a six ounce sirloin steak for fifty dollars, and the side french fries were an extra twenty on the bill. I go to the bathroom to avoid paying the $300 bill. After he paid for the meal, we were headed to the Madison Square Garden to meet the man, the myth, the legend, Derrick Rose. As we walk across the street, I see a car not slowing down for the green light. Oh wait! It’s a green light.
I hear the sound of a horn but I keep walking trying to avoid it. It was moving so fast and wasn’t stopping. My mind went blank.
9. I woke up and saw a EMT dude that looked like a cat. No joke. I looked to the other side of me, and I swear to goober that he was LeBron James. I think it was the medication they gave me but I’m fine with chilling with LeBron in the ambulance. I woke up again and I was in the hospital. I heard the doctor saying, “50% of all vehicle deaths, are from moped.” Or something like that. I looked to my right and saw Laquarious in a full body cast. I passed out again.

10.  I woke up and looked at my once body builder body, and I saw a cast on my whole body. I looked around and saw no sign of doctors. I tried to wiggle out of the thing, but then I remembered that I had the katana still. I stabbed the cast and it started to give. I ripped out of it and got the crutches that were in the corner. I looked out the window and jumped. My hospital room was on the first story so I just stepped out of the window; I yelled at Sean and said, “Get your sorry booty over hereeeeeeeeee, boiiiiii!” And he followed me out the window. I called a taxi and we drove to the Knicks stadium. I called Derrick Rose and said, “We are at the stadium.”

Apparently we have been in the hospital for two weeks, and our team was playing the same day so I ran to the airport and Sean followed. We snuck in with fake airplane tickets and flew to LA. We ran to our school just in time to play the game. I ended up with thirty-five assists and twenty turnovers. Nia came up to me again and kissed me three times. THREE TIMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She said, “Nice game today, babycakes.”
I replied again, “Boi, you are hot as h-e double hockey sticks.”
“Wanna hang out tomorrow at my cribbo?”
“Yeah baby.” I said as I mimicked my other role-model Fetty Wap.
11. Laquarious said he had to go on a date with his gurl, but why didn’t he invite me? Dummy he thinks that if he doesn’t invite me I wouldn’t come. I jump in the basket at the front of his tandem bike hopefully he won’t notice me. I hear them coming out of the shed and I try to squeeze myself into the basket further.
I hear Laquarious say, “Sean, why is your head in the basket?”
I embraced my inner ninja, if I don’t see him he won’t see me. They went into the Ford Focus and drove off. I realized that they would be stuck in LA traffic for a couple hours so I took my chances and started to ride the bike to the Shell gas station, which was a couple miles away and pedaled as fast as I could. I ditched the bike and took my truck. I called my friends to see if they wanted to go to the pool. (little did they know that it was in my truck) They said yes and I drove to my friend’s house. I don’t remember what I was going to do, but I knew it was an important part of this chapter of this very stupid book. Degrading the disregarded, my doctor says I have ADHD, but I don’t understand why.  So I took a tarp and placed it on my truck I put a hose into the bed where the tarp was and started to let the water flow into it. My friends ran out and jumped into the truck bed and I started to drive to 7/11 to get slushies, but when I was driving in the carpool lane a cop stopped me.
He asked, “Why do you have people in the back of your car, and do you know that is illegal?”
“But, I was in the carpool lane.” I replied.
“LOL,” he answered.
I squared up with him and said, “You wanna fight? Nobody LOL’s me like that, except my babygirl Laquarious.”
“PAUSE,” my homies yelled at me.
I slapped him and he pulled out a taser. I ran into my car and drove away. He pressed the button on the taser that made it turn on and my friend through a FIJI water bottle with the cap off, and so it spilled on the taser and it shocked the police officer. I started off the road and went into the alley and ran on foot to 7/11. We got there and found out that Laquarious was on a date with Nia. Wow I wished that I followed him to stalk him at 7/11. I went in and observed the classy food they were eating: Hot dogs, mentos, and water. Wow I wish I could have a girlfriend. I called the cops, because I was jealous and I wanted them jailed. I told the cops when they came that “They were impeding the environmental bounds of one’s personal dating.” I don’t know what that means, but it was effective and it got them in jail. I visited them both right when they got into the jail so they couldn’t have any visitors for the rest of the day. (yeah, I’m really, really mean and probably am a psychopath)
12. “WOW, dis dood really ‘bout it, he ‘bout to cash me ousside in a quick minute!” I said as I was told as JJJL snitched on me for public display of affection. Like I don’t understand it was only tongue. I was about to leak his number on my twitter, but my two million followers would not tear him a new one.
“Just follow my directions Mr. Laq...Laqua...Laquari...Laquariou…,” said this all tatted boi, like me, but he white as hell; he was as bald as an eagle. Ya’ know what I saying man.
“Laquarious, ma’am.” I said, because this dude was really ‘bout to push the buttons that shouldn’t be pushed.
“What did you say?” the po-po officer replied.
“I said LAQUARIOUS, MA’AM!!!!!!!!!!” I screamed and charged at him.
“You ready to catch deez hands, boi!!” I ran got tackled by sixty-four armed officers. I got maimed in the worst places you could have thought. (the b**th***) I ran and jumped out of the building and jumped into the dumpster to get away. I heard the cops come and they never thought to look in the empty trashcan. It actually wasn’t bad because they had free wifi. So I was just sitting and binge-watching Orange is the New White because I don’t discriminate, and then right as the police department “closed up,” because I know that the Illuminati does rituals and goat sacrifices and that ish at night in the Police Department, so I don’t wanna be that sacrifice you know what I mean? That is besides the point as I was escaping my sacrificial pact, but that is besides the besided point as I got out of the trash can. I left my girlfriend in the Jail because she doesn’t matter. (Sorry to all feminists that got triggered by this, this is satre content, From author) I ran and a cop saw me and started to chase with his other goons. I started fighting them and they jumped onto my body, and got harassed emotionally and physically. I started to get up, but remembered that I had people on me and like my other idol, Young MA said, “ Ah, these haters on my body, shake 'em off.” OOOOOOO Uuuuuuu. So I shook around, and they thought that I had a seizure so they said, “Are you OK, sir?”
Then I popped up and sprinted down the road. The police had never tried to catch a man that can run a 4 minute and so they conceited. I “boonk ganged” outta there and got to my shed in the suburbs. I can’t believe that my mans snitched on me. I was fuming and I made the decision that I would change all passwords and keys to the house so he couldn’t get in. I waited and waited and finally he returned home, he stood outside like he was talking to someone and opened the door.
“SURPRISE!!” I yell as I’m shocked that he opened the door, “How’d you get into the shed?”
“Ummm, the front door was unlocked?” JJJL said.
Wow I am such an idiot.