PUBLISH IT!!! Characters have depth and subplots make it a very interesting read. 

In the interest of complete honesty and edification, I will not sugarcoat my feelings. This in no way reflects my feelings about you as a person or a writer, simply my comments on this particular piece.

I will say I appreciate your good spelling and competent use of grammar. That shows that you are actually taking time with your writing, unlike other sloppy writing that pops up.

Now for the constructive criticism…

On a structure note, there are many small typos throughout that should be addressed. A thorough and slow re-reading would easily correct most of these errors.

There could be more character development. The story begins with a very generic description of those who will play the main roles in our minds. An in depth development beyond surface things (perfect mother, bratty sister, loving father) would flesh the story out and help the reader connect more with it.

For your major/minor characters, I would suggest this helpful test. http://www.springhole.net/writing/marysue.htm

It’s a good (but not foolproof) indicator of whether or not your character is overly perfect, or sometimes disgustingly so. Your main character’s friends are all… well, perfect. While this may seem good sometimes in theory, in the context of quality literature it becomes a flaw. Having her inserted in a group of friends that are all perfect in every way implies that she is as well, at least in the superficial qualities listed (looks, grades). Her house, her life, her family at the beginning are all rather… perfect. I realize that’s part of the intention of the story, but combined with the “reaching lowest of lows”… it makes it a little less believable.

In regards to style, your writing sometimes seems overly wordy or redundant. For example, “she must always look exquisite every day. And every day, Amelia always looked stunning.”

Always, every day, every day, always.

Exquisite, stunning.

Different ways of saying the same thing are great when scattered throughout a piece, but when they are so close together, it becomes redundant.

You did a great job conveying emotion in chapter 3. That’s a very stirring, sickening moment and you did a good job of portraying it in an emotional but not graphic way. At the same time, the moment seems short and hurried. The bulk of the chapter is spent on the aftermath, when it seems it could be better spent on the intensity and emotion of the moment leading up to her death. From personal experience, I know that watching the death of someone you love is not a hurried instant. The moments seem to last forever, everything seems amplified and senses are going into overdrive. Sights, sounds, smells, they all take precedence over all else. The aftermath would be a blur, after the adrenaline crash and inevitable grief and depression sets in.

The rest of the story is similar. The mugging scene seems a bit unbelievable, especially the fact that three men would run away from an older woman and a teenage boy. Taking her in like a stray animal and not contacting anyone seems similarly unbelievable.

Another positive note, you are very good at description. It brings vivid imagery to mind that makes the story more realistic. If you can, try to work on developing that natural skill more so that it doesn’t come across as wordiness but as clear, concise description.

With some revision and fleshing out, I think this could be a great story.

that was the most amazing book i EVER read! you should get it published as a short story

lol omg im so glad u like it! and ive actually gotten a lot of good feed back on this book so i might think about extending it a little. glad u like it:)