Something To Call My Own | Teen Ink

Something To Call My Own

March 28, 2012
By JustAnotherGirl, Garnet Valley, Pennsylvania
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JustAnotherGirl, Garnet Valley, Pennsylvania
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Favorite Quote:
"I Love You"


Author's note: When I write, I write in the hopes that someone, somewhere, will one day read it to become a different person, even just for a small amount of time. I don't write for symbolism, nor for a literature analysis. I write for the joy of writing and the hope that somebody find joy in reading it.

I was left on the doorstep of the orphanage 17 years ago. Whoever it was that left me, they left me wrapped in a baby blanket in a basket tied with a burgundy colored bow. No note, no explanation as to why they couldn’t keep their little girl. Just a thin chain necklace with a charm in the shape of a “C” around my neck, causing the Mothers at the orphanage to name me Coraline.
For a while, that basket was my bed, because there wasn’t enough money for cribs. We all had our own thin, little blankets, most of them the baby blankets we had been left with. Baby blankets and baskets were the only possessions most of us had, and we held them dear.
The orphanage isn’t a bad place, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not a home either. It was just a place to live. There’s not enough money to educate us all at a proper school, but some of the Mothers went to school and taught us how to read and write. There’s not a lot of money, but we get by fine enough. There are only a couple kids at the orphanage, because it’s such a small village.
The year I turned thirteen, I began living on the castle grounds, working in the stables and living in a small house for all the young stable hands. At first, working at the castle was terrifying. I didn’t know anything about grooming horses, much less riding them, and I was terrified to ask for help. But after a painful day of me bumbling around the stables, the StablesMaster took pity on me, and spent extra time teaching me everything I needed to know about the stables. He taught me what brushes were used for what kind of grooming, which horses where likely to spook at loud noises, and everything else I needed to know around the stables. The stables became the place I spent the most of my time, becoming my life and my love in a matter of weeks, and staying that way in the years to come.

It was my birthday, the day I had been brought to the orphanage. I woke up early in the morning, just after sunrise, bathed, and headed out to the stables. When I got there, it was quiet, only the soft rustling of leaves in the trees outside and horses shifting in their stalls breaking the silence. I rubbed the soft nose of Stars, my own horse, and fed him a carrot from my pocket. He was almost all black, but had white and grey dots on his neck, making him look like a night sky.
I was almost always the first person there, but today, I could see the shadow of someone in the feed room. Curious, I walked over and saw the StablesMaster leaning over the small desk he used in the corner. For a man of 73 years, he was extremely strong and healthy, never complaining of a bad back or aching bones. When he heard me walk in, he looked up.
“Coraline. Good, I’m glad you’re here. I need to talk to you,” he said, straightening up.
“Of course StablesMaster, what is it?” I said, leaning against a stack of hay bales.
“First of all, don’t call me StablesMaster, it’s much too formal for someone who’d been working here for so long,” he admonished lightly. I smiled. I had always called him StablesMaster, first out of respect, then out of habit. I couldn’t bring myself to call him by his first name, Johnston.
“I’m afraid that won’t be the last time I’ll be calling you StablesMaster, it’s just too much of a habit now.”
“Well, it’s a wrong title. I am now a retired man,” he said with a smile. I stared, my mouth gaping.
“You’re retiring? But how can we run this place without you? None of the other stable hands can read your handwriting on the records, and they don’t know the horses like you do” I said. It was true. While they had years of experience, the other stable hands couldn’t read his scribble handwriting to save their lives, and few spent the extra time it took to get to know the horses as much as he did.
“But you do. And that would be why I’m making you StablesMaster. Now, now, close that mouth and don’t look so shocked. Like you said, the stable hands that have been here longer can’t read my handwriting and don’t know the horses as well. You can read my handwriting, and you might even know the horses better than I do.”
I closed my mouth and shook my head. “No, no, I couldn’t, it wouldn’t be right. The other stable hands have been here longer, I’ve only been here a couple years, and the others have much more right to be StablesMaster…” I let my voice trail off.
He just looked at me, a half smile on his face. After a moment of silence he beckoned me closer. “The StablesMaster has the right to choose the next StablesMaster, and I’m choosing you. Do you accept?” he said, cocking his head to the side. He knew I couldn’t say no, I had dreamed of becoming the StablesMaster someday from the day the he had helped me learn about the stables.
“You’re cruel, you know that right?” I said.
“How would I keep control of all you crazy kids if I wasn’t?” he said, laughing.
I held up a finger to stop him. “As of today, I am considered an adult. It’s my 17th birthday,” I said, holding my chin up. It was tradition that anybody seventeen or older was considered an adult. At seventeen you were able to marry, and leave your home to begin your own life.
“Oh my, my, my, a big day for you!” he said, his eyes crinkling at the corners. He turned around and rummaged in a drawer for a moment before turning back to me. “Well, happy birthday to you,” he said, bowing his head to me, and held up his upturned hand. On his palm sat his key to the stables, one of the silver silk ribbons I used to tie braid a tied in a bow around it.
“You did know it was my birthday!” I exclaimed, taking it from him.
“What? Who said this was a birthday present?” He smiled slyly. “Of course I did, you’ve been almost a daughter to me,” he said, becoming uncharacteristically serious.
“That means a lot to me, truly. I won’t let you down with this, I promise,” I said, clutching the key in my hand tightly, as if it held all the importance in the world.

“Do you have to work today?” my friend, Anna, a maid in the castle, asked. We were eating lunch together under some trees in the pasture, and I’d just told her the news. After her girly shrieks, she immediately wanted to know how we could celebrate. With her strikingly good looks and impeccable acting skills, she could always convince people one way or another to let her off of her duties for the day. Since her wedding a few weeks prior to her long time love, Rowan, her silliness had only increased.
“While I’m sure StablesMaster would be absolutely thrilled with me missing my first day of training , I should probably go soon,” I said, hating how she so often forgot that most people had to work every day, whether they wanted to or not.
She rolled her eyes, annoyed, but I didn’t care. I began wringing my hands, glancing around for StablesMaster. I wanted to make him proud and show him he’d made the right decision, even if I wouldn’t be able to convince the older, more qualified stable hands I was right for the promotion.
Anna patted my shoulder sympathetically. “Hey, don’t worry, you’ll be fine. The others will get over the fact that you have less seniority.”
“Yeah, let’s hope. Wish me luck,” I said, seeing a figure walking down the path. “We’ll talk more later. If I’m not dead by then.”
“You’ll do fine. You may even surprise yourself, you were born for this.” Anna started off down the path, passing the StablesMaster as he came into clearer view. Without a word, he unlocked the stables, and, I entered through the back door into the feed room, and almost ran head-long into the StablesMaster. He stumbled back and would have fallen over had he not backed into a stack of hay bales.
“Sorry, StablesMaster, I’m so sorry!” I said, my hand over my mouth.
“Oh, it’s quite all right, quite all right. But what’s not quite all right is you not calling me Johnston. You’re StablesMaster now, not me, and you best start actin’ like it.”
“Right, sorry,” I said, blushing.
“Coraline, come now child, you’re almost taking this too seriously. I chose you because I know how relaxed you are in the stables. Don’t you go getting uptight on me, now,” he said.
“Ok, sorry StablesMaster,” I said. He raised and eye brow and said nothing. “Right, you’re not StablesMaster, I am,” I said, throwing my hands up in mock surrender.
“Right. Now come here and I’ll show you how to do the records,” he said, pulling out an old drawer full of old papers. He took out a quill and ink bottle from another drawer, and for the next couple of hours, we went over the different charts in the records, their meanings, and the same for the ordering charts.
“Ok, now I want you to fill this one out for the foal that was born last night,” he said, pushing a sheet toward me. It had a grid with separate sections for each different part of information that would have to be filled in.
Slowly, I began filling out the blank spaces, then for another sheet and another. By the time I left for my quarters that night, I was mentally exhausted. I’m not sure if my head had even hit the pillow before I was asleep.

A week went by, and before I knew it, the StablesMaster was packing up his last few possessions into a box, leaving the Stables for good.
“You will visit now and then right?” I said as he closed the top of the box.
“Of course, you can’t keep me away for long,” He said.
“Good. I’m gonna miss you. We’re all gonna miss you,” I said, motioning toward the people behind me. We were all gathered to send him off, and there were a few tears here and there.
“Oh dear, I think I need a hug from all of you,” he said, and everybody rushed in to embrace him. He came to me last, and I felt my own tears spilling over when he wrapped his arms around me.
“Come to visit soon,” I said, squeezing.
“Of course. And you’ll do fine, I have my trust in you,” he said. He waved to all of us and walked to the doors, pausing just outside of them.
“Do me proud here. I’ll be back soon to check up on you, and I wanna see my Stables working nice and smoothly, you hear?” he said.
All together we all said, “Yes, StablesMaster,” and he rolled his eyes at us.
“That’s your StablesMaster now,” he said, pointing to me. “I’m just Johnston now, and you’d all best listen to the StablesMaster as well as you listened to me,” he said, and with that, he turned and walked down the path and out of sight.
It was quiet for a moment as everybody watched him go. “All right everyone, back to your jobs,” I said. It was weird to command people older than me, some by almost thirty years, to do things, but I was getting used to it. Everybody scattered back to their places, some in the pastures and some in the Stables.
With a sigh, I turned and walked around back to the feed room door. Just as I put a hand on the doorknob, a boy came running down the path like a bear was on his tail , shouting my name.
“Coraline, Coraline! I have an important message for you! Coraline!” he yelled, crossing the distance between us in moments.
“Hi, Nathaniel,” I said, dropping my hand and turning toward him.
“I have an important message for you!” he said, looking very pleased with himself. The young son of one of the maids, he lived in the castle, and used to be a regular visitor to the stables in his free time. He had gotten a job as a message runner, and I rarely saw him anymore.
“So I hear. Come on in for a minute,” I said, motioning to the door.
“I can’t, I have to deliver more important messages,” he said, puffing out his chest proudly.
“Oh, ok then. Well, give me my message and you can be off to deliver your other messages. I wouldn’t want to keep you from your duties,” I told him, smiling to myself.
“Mother Susan came and dropped off a note for you from the Orphanage. Somebody came a gave it to them to give to you,” he said. He held up a folded piece of paper, and I took it curiously. Who would give me a message at the Orphanage? Probably some old employer, asking if I wanted to work for them now that I was seventeen.
“Thanks Nathaniel. I’ll see you later, ok?”
“Yup! Maybe, if I go real fast to give out my messages, I can visit you after dinner!” he said, an ear-to-ear grin stretching across his face.
“I’ll look forward to it. Tell your mother I said ‘Hello’ if you see her. ” He nodded and ran back up the path towards the castle. Shaking my head and smiling, I opened the door to the feed room and sat down at my desk, pulling out a file full of records. I stuffed the note in my pocket, telling myself I would read it later. Right now, the records were running far behind, and required all of my attention.

The author's comments:
I sighed as I finally climbed into bed, welcoming the sleep it promised. There was a knock at the door, and I cocked my head to the side. Another visitor? There was a knock sounded again, and I jumped up to open the door. “Coraline? Is that you?” the woman before me said, squinting in the moonlight. “Mother Susan?” I said excitedly. I’d only seen her a handful of times since I left the Orphanage four years ago. I was getting all kinds of visitors lately. “Oh, my dear girl, how are you?” she said, hugging me tightly. “I’m well, and so happy to see you! How have you been?” I asked, motioning for her to sit down next to me on the bed. I rummaged in a drawer for matches, and lit the few lanterns in the room. “I’m well, as are the other Mothers,” she said as the room became suddenly brighter. “What are you doing here?” I asked, sitting down across from her. “I have some unfortunate news,” she said, and I noticed the worry lines around her eyes. “I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but, well, your mother died earlier today.” I stared at her, uncomprehending. “My mother? I’m an orphan, I don’t have a mother,” I said. Mother Susan was old, but she had never been forgetful. Her wrinkles became more pronounced as she scrunched her face in confusion. “Didn’t you get the letter? We gave it to a boy at the Messenger Office to give to you,” she said, puzzled. I suddenly remembered the message from Nathaniel, still in the pocket of the pants I’d been wearing the other day. “I never read it,” I said, my face falling. “Oh dear, that would make this conversation a little strange then,” she said, wringing her hands. “What did the letter say? That you found my mother?” I said, leaning forward, eager to hear any information I could about the family I had always wondered about. “She found us, actually. She wrote the letter and came in, telling us to give it to you. ‘To the little girl who came here seventeen years ago with a necklace with a C on it’ she said. We didn’t realize until the next day that she was your mother,” Mother Susan said. “We didn’t read the letter, but some of the children were talking about how much she looked like you. They realized it before we did. We looked for her, but we couldn’t find her, she had already disappeared. She didn’t live in the village.” “And now she’s gone?” An empty pit had formed in my stomach and chest. “Coraline, my dear girl, I am so sorry,” she said, and I ran a hand through my hair.. “How did she die? Was she sick?” I asked. “No, she was healthy, said she lived and worked on a farm. Her husband came to tell us. No, he wasn’t your father, he said he married your mother only three years ago,” she added when I looked up hopefully. “He said it was an accident in the fields, that he didn’t see it. He found her in the fields when he went looking for her after she didn’t come home, and she was lying on the ground, dead. He knew she had come to us to give the letter to you a few days before to tell you about her, and asked us to notify you.” There was a moment of silence as I let it sink in. “I could have known about my mother. I had the chance,” I said slowly, disbelieving, Mother Susan moved her chair so she was sitting next to me and put her arm around me comfortingly. I leaned against her, staring straight ahead at the blank wall before me. “There, there, dear, it’s ok, you didn’t know it was from her, don’t blame yourself. You’ll be ok, you’ll be ok,” she said, rubbing my back. “Nathaniel told me it was important, but I still didn’t read it,” I said, mentally berating myself. Mother Susan sighed. “That’s not your fault, you didn’t know.” I shook my head. “I… I think I’d like to be alone for a bit. If you don’t mind,” I said, sitting up straight but not removing my eyes from the spot on the wall. “Of course. When she was out of sight, I took the path up to the castle at a sprint. I already knew where to look for the letter. Wrenching open the door to my living quarters, I practically flew into my room and reached under the bed and pulled out the pants I had worn the day Nathaniel brought me the message. Sure enough, the letter was there, still folded in half in my pocket. Breathing heavily from my run and my nervousness, I sat down on the bed, opening it. The handwriting was small and fancy, nothing like my own. My Dear Child, I hope this letter finds you happy and healthy. I know it should have come to you many years ago, but you must forgive me. I never had the courage to tell you before, and my hand trembles even now. It has been a long seventeen years since I forced myself to drop you off at the orphanage. I have thought about you every day, wondering if you were happy or sad, warm or cold, full or hungry. You must understand, I did what I thought was best all those years ago. Your father was a soldier in the army, and he was called away to fight in the war while I was still pregnant with you. A few days before you were born, I sold the house I was living in. I had no money because I couldn’t work and your father was off at war, and I had none of the things I would need for you when you were born. I was hoping to buy a smaller house with some of the money, and use the rest for the things I would need for you, but I was ignorant of everything that happened in the market place. The money was stolen right out of my pocket, and I was left homeless and broke, with only a few possessions I had taken with me when I sold the house. I knew I could never raise you properly like that, so the day you were born, I wrapped you in my own baby blanket and put the necklace your father had given me years before around your neck. I found a basket tied with a ribbon on my way to the orphanage and laid you in it. I had no way of leaving a note with you, and I hated myself for leaving you without any explanation, not even a name. When I set you on the steps of the orphanage, I knew I was doing the right thing. Your life would be miserable and impossibly hard if I had kept you. I wouldn’t have been able to leave you to go to work until you were old enough to take care of yourself. We would’ve lived as homeless beggars, open to all sicknesses and crimes. There was no way I could raise you in such a state. I had to remind myself of this the whole time I walked back to the alleyway I was living in. I had to stop myself from turning around and taking you back into that kind of life. I eventually got a job as a stable hand and enough money to buy a small house. Every day since I got the house I wondered if I should go back to the orphanage to take you home with me. When I remarried, I thought about it even more. One day, I got halfway to the orphanage before turning around. I don’t know why I never actually went, I guess I was scared. Scared of what you’d think of me, scared that you might not want to come. It may sound ridiculous, and you have every reason to hate me. For the same reasons, I never wrote you this letter until now. You’re seventeen now, an adult free to chose what you want to do with your life. I would love for you to allow me to come visit you, or even come to visit me, but it’s your choice. I live in the Hanun Village, on the berry farm. Even if you just want to send a letter to me, give it to any of the messenger boys and tell them it’s for me, they’ll know where to take it. Again, I must tell you that I gave you up thinking it was best for you. I loved you from the moment you were born, and I’ll always love you, no matter what you decide. Your Loving Mother, Chiara Chiara. It was my favorite name, the name I wanted to give my first child if it was a girl. The name ran through my head as I thought more and more about her. I had a mother, and she wanted to meet me. I jumped off the bed and grabbed a quill and paper off my small desk, ready to write back that I did wish to meet her. I dipped the quill into the ink bottle and was about to begin writing when I remembered why I had finally read the letter in the first place. Mother Susan’s visit and my mad dash back to my quarters came back to me in a rush, and for a moment I couldn’t breathe. My mother was dead. She had wanted to meet me, and I had been so focused on other things that I didn’t get the chance to meet her. There was a knock on the door, but I ignored it. They knocked again, and I walked over to the lantern by my window and blew out the small flame inside it. Soon enough someone would come and tell whoever was knocking that I was probably still at the stables. I blew out the two other lanterns around the room, making the room dark as a cave. “Coraline, I know you’re in there, please let me in,” Anna’s voice said. Normally I would’ve let her in immediately, but this time I just got into bed and pulled the covers up to my chin. “Come on now, I want to help,” she said. I shook my head to myself. Nobody could help me right now, nobody but my mother. “I just talked to Mother Susan, she told me what happened. Please, Coraline, just open to door. Say something. Anything,” she said. I could see her in my mind, her forehead touching the door, her fist continually knocking against the wood. I turned so my back was to the wall, and I was looking out the window. The clouds hid the moon and stars, making the sky seem like an endless black sheet. The crickets were chirping, but they seemed lands away. I clutched my blanket, feeling the fuzzy softness that now seemed so out of place. There was a soft clicking, and light flooded the room as the door was pushed open. “Coraline, talk to me, please,” Anna said, shutting the door behind her and coming over to sit on the side of the bed. “I know you’re not asleep, so stop pretending,” she said, rubbing my shoulder. She was silent for a moment, waiting for me to say something. I stayed still, willing her to leave me alone. She stayed, slowly rubbing my shoulder. “I know you got some pretty hard news, but you need to talk about it. You’ll just drive yourself crazy if you don’t,” she said quietly. “I want to be left alone,” I said harshly. I expected her to get offended, but she just sighed. “No you don’t, and you know it. You may not want to talk right now, but I know you don’t want to be left alone,” she said. “Anna, really, I just want to be alone. I don’t want to talk about the fact that my mother is dead and I had the chance to meet her but didn’t. I don’t even want to think about it.” I said, ignoring the silent tears running down my face. “Ok. Do you want to talk about something else to get your mind off it?” Anna asked, acting as if my heart wasn’t breaking apart. I sat up and looked her straight in the eye. “No. The last person I’d like to be with right now is you. You and your happy marriage and the family you’re going to have. I just lost the only one I might have ever had, and right now… I hate you.” I didn’t know where the last part came from, but as it came off my tongue, I realized I did. I hated everything that was good in her life, I hated her. “You don’t mean that,” she said, taking my hand. I shook my head and pushed her hand away. “Get. Out.” I said, turning away from her. I knew this time I had offended her, but I didn’t care. “Leave me alone.” She didn’t say anything, and I felt her get off the bed. I heard her footsteps over to the door, and heard her pause. “Coraline…” she started, but I was done with her. “Just go,” I said, laying back down, facing the window. She left, finally, shutting the door softly behind her. As soon as the door clicked closed, my tears spilled over again, and I pulled the covers back up to my chin. All the “What Ifs” I could possibly think of ran through my head, and it was nearly dawn before I fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.

Another quiet evening a few nights later, I found myself back at my desk in the corner of the feed room, rewriting the old StableMaster’s records so everyone could read them. Leaning back in my chair, I stretched my cramping wrist and sighed. I could hear the horses shuffling around in their stalls and the crickets peacefully chirping outside, and I longed to take Stars out to the trails for an evening ride like I used to so often. I shook my head, trying to clear it. I was happy as the StablesMaster, and the sooner I finished the records, the sooner I could spend my nights with the horses again.
Just as I leaned back over the desk, the door burst open behind me, and in came Anna, pulling Rowan behind her. Before I could even form a question in my mind, she grinned, and practically shouted her news.
“I’m pregnant! I’m going to have a family!” Rowan shut the door behind his giddy wife, and leaned against the wall as Anna threw her arms around me. It was a moment until I hugged her back, my mind slow to comprehend what she was saying. Finally, though, wrapped my arms around my friend, gifting her with all the well wishes I could.
“I can’t stay, I have to tell my mother still, and I just wanted to tell you first,” she said, letting go of me, already opening the door to leave.
“Ok, well congratulations, I can’t imagine a better couple for it,” I said, directing this to Rowan, who seemed like he often times got found himself in the background of Anna’s energy.
He nodded his head in thanks, and a moment later they were gone. I looked around the feed room, wondering how the whole room wasn’t in disarray. It truth, it had been hardly a minute Anna had been in the room, but her excitement combined with her typical energy made it feel like a tornado had just hit .
I couldn’t believe Anna was pregnant. Of course, I should’ve seen it coming, she’d been married for almost two months now, but it still felt like a punch to the face. The idea that she was starting her own family, she was going to tell her mother, made me feel so lonely. Putting down my records, I decided to call it a night, blaming it on spending too much time alone doing records. Silently, I blew out my three lanterns, letting the room settle into darkness.

“Coraline, wake up. Wake up.”
A pair of hands was pushing against my shoulder, slowly shaking me awake. I shook my head and groggily tried to swat them away. The hands kept shaking my shoulder, and I pulled the covers up over my head. They pulled the covers off of me, and I curled up against the sudden cold.
“Coraline, get up, right now.” I recognized the voice, and slowly opened my eyes. The StablesMaster was standing next to my bed, the door wide open. I could see the faces of some of the stable hands through the doorway.
I yawned, and slowly sat up. Looking down, I wondered why I was still in my clothes from the night before. “Wha-” I began, but then the events of the night before came back to me in a rush, like a punch in the stomach. I lay back down, pulling the blanket tight around me.
“Oh no, you don’t, my dear, no, no, you are getting up right now,” he said, taking the pillow out from under my head.
“Go. Away,” I said rudely, grabbing it back and turning my back to him. I heard the people in the doorway gasp. I had never spoken to the StablesMaster that disrespectfully. I heard him walk over to the door and tell everybody to go off on their morning business before closing the door. He walked back over and pulled up my one chair, sitting down next to the bed.
“Now, now Coraline, I know you’re upset, but you need to get a grip on yourself,” he said.
“You know I’m upset. Great job DetectivesMaster. Now leave me alone,” I said scathingly.
“I’m sorry, but I’m not going to let you sulk all day long. I know what you’re going through, and this is not a good way of handling the situation,” he said firmly.
“How do you know what I’m going through? How does anybody know what I’m going through?” I asked angrily, sitting up and facing him. My eyes blazed and I clenched my fists until my fingernail drew blood from my palms. I felt the sting, but ignored it, only clenching tighter, as if that would make everything go away. He was silent, and just took my hands, gently prying them open. He took a rag from his pocket and wiped at the little bits of blood. I felt my breathe slow slightly as he took a bandage from another pocket and wrapped my hands.
“Now, are we a bit calmer? Can we hold a proper conversation?” he asked calmly. I nodded my head, looking down at my now bandaged hands.
“Sorry,” I said quietly.
“That’s quite alright, my dear child, -”
“Don’t call me that,” I interrupted quickly, wincing at the words I’d heard repeating in my head all night. He raised his eyebrows, confused.
“Call you what?”
“My dear child. Don’t call me that,” I said. He leaned down and I heard the crackling of paper as he picked something up from the floor. It was the letter from my mother.
“Ah, I see,” he said, and I felt a knife stab deeper into my heart.
“The only thing she ever got to call me,” I said quietly.
“I understand,” he said, but I shook my head.
“Nobody could ever understand,” I said. There were stable hands walking past the door, and I didn’t need the door to be open to know what today’s gossip would be about. They each hurried to move on when they caught me looking.
“I know it seems like nobody could possibly have the faintest idea of what you’re going through right now, but remember that you are not the only person to ever lose someone they loved,” he said, walking back over and sitting down.
“It’s not just that. It’s that I never got a chance to meet her. I was stupid and didn’t read the message that I knew was important until it was too late. All I cared about were those stupid records,” I said, putting my head in my hands.
“Coraline, listen to me. There’s nothing you could have done. You didn’t know, and that’s not your fault,” he said, patting my knee.
“You just don’t understand,” I said again, turning my face to the window. I could see into the pasture where horses were grazing, and wondered why their life was so peaceful when mine was so crazy.
“Dear, I do. I don’t know if you ever knew this, but I grew up as an orphan, too. I grew up wondering who gave me up and why, and if I would ever see them. When I was seventeen, I went looking for them,” he said, and I looked up at him.
“Did you ever find your parents?” I asked.
“Two years later. I knew their names, and saw them on their gravestones. The dates were for just a few weeks before,” he said bluntly.
“Oh, I didn’t know, I-” I began, but he cut me off.
“Nobody did, that’s not the point. I mean that I do know what it’s like to feel guilty about not finding out in time to know them. I understand what you’re going through, so you’re not alone,” he said.
“I had so many ‘What Ifs’ going through my mind last night,” I said, and he nodded.
“The ‘What Ifs’ can kill you. They take over your life until they’re the only thing that you can think of,” he said. “The best thing is to not dwell on the whole situation. Continue with your life. Don’t act like it didn’t happen, that’s just as bad, but move on with your life.”
I shook my head. “I don’t think I’m going to be able to do that anytime soon.”
“Perhaps not, but it’s imperative that you try. It’s going to be hard, everything will remind you of your mother, but don’t let it take over your life. Push through it,” he said, and he put his hand on his shoulder. “Can you do that?”
“No. Yes. Maybe. Oh, I don’t know,” I said, confused and once again fighting back tears.
“Well, you are honest with yourself, and that’s a start. Don’t be trying to trick yourself into being ready for something you’re not.” He smiled slightly.
“Let’s talk about something else, please,” I said.
“Talk about what?” he asked, and my mind flew out, trying to think of a conversation that wouldn’t bring us back to this.
“What are you doing back here? I thought you moved away to the country side.”
He laughed, a short quick snort through his nose. “Would you believe me if I said that I missed the stables too much?” I rolled my eyes.
“Yes, I believe it,” I said.
“I got out there, and told myself I would get over missing this place after a week or two. Well, it only got worse, and I figured I could probably find a house here just as nice as out there, so I came back and bought a house just outside of the castle walls. Now I can pop in on you guys every now and then, say hello to the horses. Much better than being miles away. Pretty view, but I actually prefer the dung pile,” he joked. The smell of the dung pile was a horrid stench that filled the air, but it was just another part of life at the stables.
I cracked a small smile. “Thanks, I needed that,” I said.
“Come on, I there’s a parade today, and you know what that means,” he said, and I nodded knowingly. Without a word, I stood up, and prepared myself
“Cha-os,” I said, stretching it out to two syllables.
“Now think what the StablesMaster has to do. Get dressed into new clothes, and I’ll meet you outside.” He stood, patting my shoulder, and headed out of the room, closing the door behind him. The moment he was gone, the small amount of tranquility I’d found dissipated, and I felt the knife in my heart more than ever.
With a deep breath, I changed my clothes, tugged on my boots, and headed out the door.
“Here we go,” I said when I met up with the StablesMaster. He placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder, giving me strength as we walked down the path toward the Stables.
“Each of the stable hands has two or three horses assigned to them to groom, as you know, so your job is to take care of the carriages. There are always three carriages. The smallest one is for the King and Queen, the largest is for the rest of the Royal Family, and the third is for the Honored Guest and their immediate family. You’re entailed with making sure these are spotless. Not a speck of dirt should be seen on them, which is rather annoying seeing as they’re white. Get them clean, and by this point the horses should be groomed. Harness three horses to the King and Queen and the Honored Quest’s carriages, and five on the Royal Family’s. An hour before the parade, you are to line them up at the beginning point, King and Queen first, Royal Family second, and Honored Guest third. The drivers should already be there, and you just hand them off to them,” he explained.
“StablesMaster, I don’t know if I can do this,” I said. I knew he was just getting started, yet my heart was already beginning to pound. “I mean, my mind is just a little preoccupied today, and what if I-”
“Uh-uh, no, no, no. Absolutely no ‘What Ifs’ ok? Not today, not ever, you hear me?” he said firmly, looking me straight in the eye.
“I still don’t think I can do this,” I said. I grabbed the back on the chair behind the desk for support. My head felt like it was being squeezed, and my breath was coming in short, shallow bursts.
“Coraline, look at me,” he said gently. I looked up at him, and he brought his hands up, palms to the ceiling. “Breathe in… and out,” he said, bringing his hand down so his palms were facing the ground. “And in… and out,” he said, repeating the motion. “I’m going to be here with you almost the whole time. The only time I won’t is when you’re on Stars in the parade, and that’s the easy part.”
“I don’t think I can do even that, I really don’t,” I said, but my heart was slowing and my breaths becoming easier.
“Yes, you can, and you will. Go grab those cleaning brushes over there and come with me to clean the carriages,” he commanded, and I did as I was told. The carriages had been taken out to one of the pastures, and together we spent an hour cleaning all the small flecks of dirt off their shiny white paint. The rest of the morning past in a blur of activity, but I felt detached from the world, like I was watching all the happenings from a balcony window.

Before I knew it, or was ready for it, I was mounting Stars and taking my place in the line of people in the parade.
“Smile and wave, that’s all you have to do,” the StablesMaster said. As I moved Stars into a slow walk, I thought of how easy it sounded. Just push the corners of my mouth up and move my hand back and forth. I tried, but I knew I was grimacing, and my waving looked jerky and strange. Stars picked up on my nervous energy and was spooking at every loud shout from the crowd.
I found myself picking out features on all the women in the crowd that my mother may have had. Mother Susan said she looked like me, and this woman had the same color hair, and this one had the same skin tone. Every time I had to remind myself that there was no way my mother was in the crowd, I felt the knife plunge even deeper into my heart.
As I looked from side to side, trying to smile and wave, I could sometimes see to the next road over. They were almost always empty, but about halfway through the parade, a line of people wearing all black caught my eye. Craning my neck to peer into the alley, I could see it was a funeral procession.
Without thinking, I dismounted from Stars, handed his reins to the bewildered person behind me, and began to push my way through the crowd, ignoring the gasps and shouts. Some people pushed back, but I ignored them and fought my way to the other side. The moment I got there I sprinted after the procession, instinct telling me it was my mother’s. I don’t know what made me so sure, but there was no doubt in my mind that it was, and it became imperative that I be there. Finally, I saw the last person in the line disappear around a corner, and ran to catch up.
They were close to the burial grounds, the entrance at the top of a large hill, and I hung back at the gates as they continued halfway down the other side of the hill. Everyone made a semicircle around a freshly ground hole, and I saw a body gently lowered down. The man standing closest to the front held the hand of a young child, and I could see his shoulders shaking. An older woman with long gray hair patted his arm, whispering something in his ear. I saw him nod, and turn to hug her. She squeezed him lovingly, and bent down to pick up the child, resting him on her hip in an effortless way that belied her age.
I didn’t know how much time I spent watching the funeral from just inside the burial ground gates. It could have been a few minutes or a few hours, but I could have watched it forever. All these people were there to say their farewells to my mother, and I had never even had the chance to say hello.
I couldn’t hear the things the people were saying, but I could tell the happy stories that made people laugh from the sad thoughts that caused more tears. Much too soon, they all began trudging back up the hill in smaller groups, all heading back to their homes, back to their lives. All but the one man, old woman, and child. The man knelt by the gravestone as some people piled dirt in to cover the hole. I watched as the woman placed the child back on the ground and knelt next to the man, wrapping her arm around him.
“Coraline,” a voice said behind me, and I jumped. I had been so focused on the sad scene unfurling before me that I hadn’t noticed anybody arrive. I turned to see the StablesMaster walking in through the gates, his eyes sad. “Coraline, there you are. I was worried when I heard you ran away from the parade, what happened?” he asked. I shook my head, unable to answer. I turned back to the three people halfway down the hill, watching. He must have understood because he was silent for a few moments. “Are you sure it’s hers?” he asked. I didn’t ask who he meant.
“Almost everybody who was here before looked like me in some way. I know this is her funeral. My mother’s funeral,” I said, hating the way the words tasted.
“Then why not talk to them? That must be your father there, right?” he asked, looking down at the man.
“No, she told me in her letter that she never heard from my father again after he went to off to war when she was pregnant with me. She remarried a few years ago,” I said sadly. He nodded, and we stood in silence.
“I’m sorry I tried to get you to jump back into life so soon. It may have been what I needed to do, but perhaps it wasn’t what was best for you. Sometimes you do need a while to shut yourself away from normal life. I’ll take over your job for the next week or so until you’re ready to come back yourself,” he said softly after a few minutes. I nodded, and he turned to go.
“StablesMaster, wait,” I said, turning toward him. He stopped walking and turned back.
“Johnston, if you please,” he said.
“Right. Thank you. Johnston.” He smiled slightly, and nodded.
I turned back toward the trio kneeling my mother’s gravestone. The woman stood up slowly, and picked up the child again. As she walked away, she touched the man’s head, and he turned his head to watch her leave. She walked slowly, and it seemed like forever before she was at the top of the hill. Our eyes met, and I was surprised to see my own eyes mirrored in hers. We stared at each other, and it was a moment before anybody spoke.
“You must be Chiara’s daughter,” she said. Her voice was clear as a bell, giving my mother’s name a new beauty.
“You must be my grandmother,” I said quietly, as if saying it too loud would take her away from me. There was no denying the family resemblance we shared. Our faces were shaped the same way, the same high cheek bones, the same nose and mouth, the eyes identical.
“I’m Aura, and this is Damian,” she said. The child looked up at me, and again I saw my eyes mirrored in another’s.
“I’m Coraline,” I said.
“Coraline. That’s beautiful,” Aura said. She took my hand in hers, and I was amazed at how soft it was. It seemed as if nothing but her appearance was old. “Come, you must meet Mason,” she said, pulling me gently down the hill. I followed her in a daze, not completely sure that I wasn’t dreaming. When we were only a few feet from the man kneeling at the gravestone, she motioned for me to stop, put Damian down, and walked over to him. She tapped his shoulder, and when he looked up at her, she looked over at me. He followed her gaze, and froze when he saw me.
“She’s…” Aura started softly, but her held up a hand to stop her, his eyes locked on mine. He stood up and walked over, coming to stand in front of me. We stood silently staring at each other, and eventually he reached out to brush a piece of my hair behind my ear.
“You look just like your mother,” he said, shaking his head as if he didn’t believe I was real.
“You were her husband,” I said, still in a slight daze. I took a deep breath, but it did little to slow my racing heart. He shook his head again, this time signaling that I was wrong.
“No, that would be Reed. I’m your father, come home from war a few days too late,” he said, glancing back at the gravestone, his voice full of sorrow.
“You’re my father?” I asked incredulously, and he nodded. I turned to Aura. “And you’re my Grandmother?” Aura nodded. “And he’s my…” I left the question open for one of them to answer.
“Cousin. He was left an orphan when my brother and his wife died three years ago. Your grandmother’s been taking care of him,” Mason, my father, said. I was silent, trying to take it all in. Damian padded over, and it felt perfectly natural to pick him up and settle him on my hip like Aura had.
“Would you like to meet your family?” Aura asked. I looked over at her and smiled.
“Yes. Yes, please.”



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