3 months, Exactly 3 months from today my heart was shattered into a million tiny shards like a fancy vase being carelessly dropped on the hard tile floor. I gave my all, every second of everyday to this boy. Endless hours of facetimes, countless “Goodmorning baby,” “Goodnight baby,” “how was your day  beautiful.” He was my everything, and my fourteen year old brain somehow thought we’d be endgame. I thought you’d be the man who put a ring on my finger. 

Every fight, argument, every moment I wanted to give up, I stayed strong and tried to fight for you. I am the type of person who puts my all into something, I push myself to the maximum extreme, give every ounce of blood, sweat, and tears to achieve what I truly want. You however are a silly little boy, you don’t understand what it’s like to fight for what you believe in, do you? That or I was simply just there to fill your unnumbered lonely nights? We will never know because although you were my best friend, I wasn’t worth a second thought to you. 

We have talked a few times since I thought my world came to a screeching halt. Just simple interactions in class or a small “happy birthday,” “how are you doing” text, but nothing more. Again, I wasn’t worth the time of day to you. At one point I would have died for you, I would have stepped in front of a murderous man with a loaded revolver, swam into a deadly current, given my last breath of air, for you. That however is irrelevant now because I need to heal, I need to take time away from you and your unthought through actions to save myself from more unneeded heartbreak.

Yes, I am healing, how are you doing? I saw you have a new girlfriend, does she know you got with her 3 measly weeks after we broke up, does she know I was your first everything, does she know at one point you cried in my arms because you cared so much about god and you felt like you had sinned so much he would never forgive you? I bet she doesn’t. You were making so much progress too, you were becoming a better man, veering away from your fathers path and becoming your own strong and amazing person. But now you are going back to your old douchey ways, and I'm scared for you, and your future. 

You see every girl on this planet, no matter who she is, what she looks like, her personality, her beliefs, views, any of that, every girl deserves the whole entire world and you my dear friend cannot give anyone that right now. You can barely pay for an Arizona Iced Tea with your own money let alone buy a girl the gifts she deserves for putting up with you. I have so much love for you, you're kind, sweet, so insanely smart, crazy funny, so incredibly strong, and have such a beautiful soul and even though it didn’t work out for us, I want you to be the best version of yourself. But you don't deserve to be with another girl. You are turning into your dad, your worst nightmare. Running from girl to girl when you feel as though you can’t handle the relationship you are in, that isn't the man you want to be or the boy that I fell in love with. 

I sound obsessive for writing this? I need to leave him alone and let him live his own life? Yes, I know, but how I deal with getting hurt by someone who saved me from the darkest time in my life, who made me the person I am right now, who made me feel like I was enough, is different then how you dealt with your 5th grade boyfriend taking off the friendship bracelet you made him at camp and saying he doesn't think you are pretty anymore. 

I cried for days, went many sleepless nights, and wondered why he did what he did. And truth be told I still don't know to this day, I still don't understand exactly why you hurt me like you did. You said it was because “You fell out of love,” so did you ever even love me in the first place? Your friends say “I was too emotional and you didnt want to deal with me,” did you know I was going to kill myself because my life was so horrendious and I didnt have the nerve to tell you because I didnt want to see you cry. So I cried and told you I felt sick or my friends were being mean, when you were the reason I wanted to die.

What do I mean you were the reason I wanted to die? I had low standards, I was desperate for someone to give me that love and affection I lacked in my life, I craved that attention from someone, and when you liked me back in the fall of 2019, you became that person. But as we moved towards summer, our relationship got super toxic. Continuous fighting, 3 months straight crying for me, you stopped calling and texting, we were falling apart. You started treating me like I was only there for your enjoyment, and everyone could see it too. I hated being with you, everyday of those 3 months I wanted to die, I felt so neglected and unloved I just wanted us to be over. But that spark inside me told me we would fix it, and I wanted too, for us. I didn't want to lose you and your family, especially your family. 

Everyday after we broke up that I saw your brother in the hallway at school I smiled at him, remembering all the times when we wanted to use his credit card to buy food but it had no money on it, all the times he'd yell at us asking what we wanted on our pizza, asking if izzy was with us because he couldn't find her. How is Izzy? Does she still play with the stuffed rabbit I got her? Does she still wear the pink tie dye shirt we made for her? Is she still obsessed with those lucky charms marshmallows? I miss her so so much. I miss your family, hanging out in groups with all our friends, watching the stars, getting boba, watching movies, playing with your hair, I miss it all. You are still doing those things, just with someone else. 

But I promise I'm moving on, I'm healing in my own way. Reminding myself that if you ever cared or had at least 1 ounce of love for me in your heart you would have stayed. I wake up everyday and tell myself “today is going to be way better than yesterday.” Sometimes it feels like 2 steps forward 1 step back, but i'm getting there. I'm healing in the proper way, and dealing with my feelings like the strong woman I am. Can't say the same for you. I loved you, I always will love you. But god gave me you to show me how to love and took you away from me when I started to love you more then myself, and I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful for you. So I hope you get into your dream college, become the man I know you can be, grow up, have a nice family, continue to grow your relationship with god, and continue to make everyone around you laugh and smile like I know you have the power to do. Thank you for those 10 months, but now I need to look forward and live my life to the fullest, alone.