I wish I didn’t have to go to college. Everyone always tells me that those will be “the best years,” but what if the best years have already passed? It is not that I am not excited to continue my education and progress in my life, but that everything I have ever known will be changed. 

I have applied to colleges I didn’t even know existed— each time hoping that I would feel excited for the decision to come back. I have toured countless schools hoping that one of them would make me feel a spark. Each acceptance, deferral, and rejection all feel the same. I get congratulated on getting accepted to schools that I have no interest in attending and comforted with each deferral or rejection. My feelings don’t change, how am I supposed to be excited when I get an acceptance letter knowing that college is what my future holds. How am I supposed to be sad when I get a rejection letter knowing that the options are now narrowed down. 

“Where do you want to go to school?” Each new face I see has asked me since my junior year 

 ended. I force a smile and try to explain that I am still looking and unsure yet. This answer is never sufficient. 

Going to college feels like abandoning all the people and places I have loved for the past seventeen years. I have curated a perfect group of friends who I love every moment I get to spend with them. I look forward to every Saturday night adventure we will go on. When we all go our separate ways next year, we will be split apart by hundreds of miles. I don’t want this distance to turn us into strangers. 

I treasure each moment spent with my little sister, the small and big, because just being in her presence makes me happy. Our drive to school each morning talking about topics on every spectrum from clothes to our fears or life goals. Leaving her next year I won’t be able to be there for each milestone, I will have to watch from a distance. Instead of talking with her each early morning car ride, it will turn to rushed FaceTime calls when we both have a few minutes to spare. 

My parents are who I'll miss most of all. They have worked everyday to pave me a path clear of any bumps and weeds. Dinner table conversations and nights spent watching television together in the living room will all fade away. I am now seeing the true value of each of these moments knowing that they won't be there forever. 

I try to be optimistic knowing that no matter where I go, I will be presented with more new opportunities than I can ever imagine. I will be able to meet new people and try new things. I hope that going to college won’t entail all the things I fear like losing relationships and feeling like I don’t belong. I can’t say these things to others because complaining about having an opportunity as big as attending college is frowned upon when there are people everywhere who would do many things for that opportunity. I will get told that “everything will work out” or “change is a good thing,” but these failed attempts at encouraging me only make me feel more alone.