Size matters, and nobody does big like we do it in America. Where else can you get a double-patty burger for a buck? Want a soda with that? Take any size you want, up to 64 ounces, for just a dollar more. Some restaurants offer a 128-ounce option if you’re so inclined. And by turning your meal into a combo, you can get fries for just 50 cents more! With deals this good, it just doesn’t make sense to eat anything but fast food.

Good old American capitalism has been working hard to drive food prices down for the consumer. What could be more American than going out with $10 in your pocket and feeding your family a satisfying meal? Simply put, the U.S. is the greatest country on Earth, and fast food is the greatest concept we ever come up with.

Economical. McDonald’s has its own university so that its managers can maintain high performance levels in the workplace. This allows the cost of the product to be insanely low, ensuring that anyone can enjoy their tasty burgers. Not only is the workplace efficient, but the food itself is efficient. By eating fast food, you can maximize your calorie intake from each bite. With as many as 750 calories per burger, you don’t have to waste time chewing multiple meals; you can get all your day’s calories in just one meal! If you’re clever about it, you can take in over 400 calories per dollar spent, easily obtaining a full day’s worth of food for just five bucks.

Freedom. The U.S. has always been the land of the free, and this holds true for the fast-food industry. Want to spice things up? Add some culture to your palate? You can find fast-food varieties of Mexican, Italian, Chinese, seafood, and soul food. In addition to the freedom of choice, we have the freedom to limit our choices. Many of these restaurants cleverly hide nutritional information on the underside of placemats or in the darkest corner of the bathroom so you can eat until you are satisfied, without some goofy scientist in a lab coat telling you you’ve had enough. Since it’s never easy to keep track of how many calories you are eating at one of these restaurants, you can chow down with an easy mind.

Convenient. It’s undeniable that eating fast food is much simpler than eating other types of food. You don’t even have to walk inside! Just pull up to the drive-thru and prepare to enjoy your dinner, served in 60 seconds flat. Back in the caveman days, humans had to chase and kill their food with spears, but society has evolved to the point that you can hunt down your dinner with just a few steps to your car. It’s a better life. Sure, fast food might contribute to the fact that 70 percent of adults in the U.S. are overweight, and one third are obese, but how could that be avoided? Should we be expected to refrain from eating fast food because it has stretched the waistbands of our nation? That’s just silly.

Kid-friendly. You need look no further than the chubby little kids playing at the park to see that fast food isn’t just for adults. Eating at fast-food restaurants teaches important habits that can help a child later in life. They learn to subconsciously associate fatty foods with the exciting toys in their Happy Meals. And if they maintain a diet rich in fast food later in life, they’ll certainly be prepared for any famines that break out.

Children also realize the value of time from fast food. They learn that parents don’t have time to make a balanced, home-cooked meal when their family regularly lets the local fry cook do the work. Imagine how much more productive kids’ lives would be if, growing up, they didn’t waste time preparing their own food!

In America we want things that are cheap, fast, easy, useful, and made “just as you like it.” Fast food satisfies all of these needs. You know, fast-food restaurants are so great that sometimes I think they should be the only places Americans are allowed to buy food. If we no longer had the option of patronizing sit-down restaurants or preparing home-cooked meals, we would have so much more time to accomplish things. So much time would be freed up that within five years I’m sure scientists would manage to cure cancer and the common cold, politicians would solve the debt crisis, we would replace fossil fuel as our primary energy source, and philosophers would discover the true meaning of life. The hunger problem in the U.S. could be solved, since a day’s calories could be purchased for just five dollars, and any beggar worth his salt could manage to scrounge that together each day. Fast food could destroy the increasing poverty gap!

Clearly fast food is the epitome of the American way. I would be surprised if society could produce another industry as impactful as this one.