STAMFORD, CONNECTICUT - A year-end report from Nestle Waters North America, who ironically brand themselves as The Healthy Hydration Company™ discovered that they accidentally contributed to plastic waste in the oceans with billions and billions of packaged 16.7 ounce bottles.

As stated in the annual report, sections of the oceans ⸺“unfailingly the parts holding the most beautiful plant and sea life”⸺ are tarnished by plastic remnants leaving oceans hopelessly damaged because of an internal environmental policy enforced since the company’s beginning in 1992.

Nestle Waters North America CEO Fernando Merce demanded an in-depth inspection on the subject.

“It’s beyond me how this could have gone unnoticed for this long,” said Merce in an interview regarding the report. “I’m just as upset as you are. You can barely distinguish the water from these giant rafts of plastic, much less any life that may be down below. Had I been hired earlier I would have taken proactive measures to ensure our packaging ended up somewhere besides the ocean. I would advise a recycling bin - or perhaps reusing all the bottles.”

Merce amended “There is probably some really really cool stuff hidden under this seemingly infinite plastic blanket.”

When questioned if the company had knowledge of the environmental destruction it was causing, Merce responded, “Damn it, we just wanted to help.”

Merce admitted that today’s children will probably never get to truly experience some beautiful natural wonders of the world, like the Great Barrier Reef as he did when he was little on one of his family’s numerous international vacations.

“I’m certain our company was given incorrect information about the harmful effects of plastic waste,” Merce added. “Sadly, it’s too late now to fix it.”

Not only harming ocean life, the packaging, also known as “plastic water bottles,” might have subsequent effects on humans as well. Nestle spokesperson James Don learned from his 5th grade son, Donald John, that plastic accidentally ingested by humans can cause future health problems.

“It is confusing why Nestle executives tried to benefit the oceans by producing plastic packaging for their products,” the report said. “Maybe they thought they were being helpful by giving the animals a few toys, similar to 12 year-old naive babysitters who dump out the entire basket of toys for toddlers to play with.”

This report was originally created due to outcry from concerned citizens in the wake of learning how disastrous plastic straws were to the environment. The growing notion of the plastic water bottle epidemic and its result of accumulating plastic waste in the ocean has Nestle concerned that their loyal customers may navigate away from their bottled products.

“The packaging seemed to be a bit dangerous, the executives were clueless” a former employee noted. “Once they told me to take the office recycling out to the dumpster in order to be lovers of earth and sustainable, but when I got there it turned out to be a small filthy pond!”