Polar Bear Satire | Teen Ink

Polar Bear Satire

February 4, 2019
By Anonymous

My modest proposal to solve the problem of polar bears losing their habitat and subsequently having no suitable place to live.

As our world goes through the expeditive process of climate change, the arctic ice caps are rapidly melting at an alarming rate. As a result of this, polar bears are swiftly1 losing their natural habitat, their place to live, eat, and raise their cubs. All peoples should agree that the endangerment of such majestic creatures is a sizable problem in our environmentally conscious world. My humble intention with this proposal is to knowledgeably share a solution that will not only be beneficial to the polar bears, but also the greater part of our advanced society.

I have been assured by the world’s leading polar bear experts and scientists that polar bears, despite their intimidating exterior, these flocculent2 bears would be sensational companions. I suggest that we domesticate these carnivorous creatures as pets and let them become part of our greater society. This solution brings innumerable improvement to the culture of the broader world and to the endangered polar bears.

Firstly, this resolution will give the threatened polar bears new, caring homes. The melancholy polar bears will need no longer worry about their old homes, as they will be content in their new one.

Secondly, there will be a decrease in human death by polar bear as the rancorous bears will be well fed and happy as pets. In the wild, the hungry and habitat deprived polar bears are forced to hunt humans as prey. However, when we domesticate these incredible bears, they will become docile, happy, and well fed.

Thirdly, there will be many new job opportunities opening up with the indoctrination of polar bears. There will be a need for trainers, food sellers and providers, and new fields of polar bear veterinary medicine. Overall, the economy of our world will benefit greatly from the new domestic bear.

Fourthly, the introduction of polar bears as pets will also allow entrepreneurs to begin a variety of new startups. There will be a massive increase in demand for quality air conditioning. The polar bears, like all other fine pets, also require entertainment, therefore a need for bear specific toys and treats will arise. Furthermore, polar bear sized pet apparel, such as collars, leashes and Halloween costumes, will create an entirely new, bear oriented industry. Finally, many medical companies and hospitals will also benefit greatly from pet polar bears. This will give an opportunity for more doctors to start their own practices and for new fields a specialization to arise. Once again, the economy of our civilization will vastly improve.

Fifthly, private home security systems will be far more affordable. Families with polar bears will no longer need to worry about home invasions, kidnapping, or any form of danger. The polar bears will effectively and fiercely protect their home creating a natural, maintenance free, and affordable security system.

Sixthly, with the polar bears in their new habitat, the government and people of the chaotic world will no longer need to worry about the quickly melting polar ice caps of the artic. With this dilemma taken care of, society can switch their focus toward more pressing problems, such as the dramatic rise in nuclear production in Vietnam and there seemingly close relationship with North Korea (Pham 2).

Now that I have relayed to you the product of my long labor and extensive thought. I must address the naysayers on the opposite side of the issue. A minority of the population may believe that the domestication of polar bears will not solve the long-standing issue. However, I must ask them, is there any better solution then the well thought out one I have proposed. We can not leave the undernourished and uncared for bears where they are. The opposition may also argue that these bears are dangerous, however, as I mentioned earlier in my knowledgeable essay, I have many reputable sources that state polar bears are easily trained and will make loyal pets.

To conclude, to solve the dilemma of innocent, homeless, endangered polar bears, we must domesticate the polar bears, and keep them as pets to provide them with food, habitat, and love.


The author's comments:

I wrote this for a school assignment. The prompt was to mimic "A Modest Proposal" by Jonathan Swift and write about minor social issues. I choose polar bears.


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