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Bzzzzz! Bzzzzz! The sharp fluorescent white light pierces through your eyes like iron daggers. You awaken to find yourself in an eerily familiar room, however not one you have ever visited. You glance to your left…then your right…and your shuddering brain registers the true feeling of fear. White tile, a rusted toilet, and the metallic aroma of dried blood enter your mind. On the other side of this enclosed bathroom is another person, unconscious. You stand up to try to contact her, but are halted by a loud Clang. You slowly look down at your sore, bruised leg and follow a chain that is attached to your foot reach the wall. “HELP!! HELP ME!” You shriek, awakening your fellow roommate. Suddenly, you hear static. SCHSCHSCHSCH fills the room, and you and your cellmate scan the room, attempting to find the source. Finally, your eyes halt on a grimy, 14” Television attached to the wall. The static stops, but you wish it hadn’t, because what is broadcasted on that screen reassures those feelings of recognition. Displayed on the screen is a wooden doll with bloodshot eyes, twisted carvings in both cheeks, and a pair of ominous lips that utter four words that make your heart drop. “Let’s Play a Game!” The doll whispers. Suddenly, the lights dim out, you hear a piercing shriek, and the light returns…but you wish it hadn’t. Your friend is now lying in the middle of the room with a knife in her chest; buckets of blood oozing from her chest.
“Oh my God, you’re body is half empty!” I bellow.
“Actually, it’s half full!” Your friend utters before collapsing to the ground, dead.
Being an optimist is utterly ridiculous. First and foremost, pessimists see people for who they truly are, while optimists try so hard to see good in people that they end up lying to themselves. Subsequently, there is always room for improvement in a pessimists mind, while Little Miss Sunshine over there is probably completely content with her failing English grade. Last but not least, being happy all the time is just flat out abnormal! The bottom line is that being an optimist is like being Maddie; it might be fun for a few days, but keep with it and you’ll be a smiling, bright, “It could be worse heehee” stating little demon before you know it.
Have you ever seen someone successfully negotiate a bank robber into letting all of his hostages go? When’s the last time you heard Bear Grilles tell you, “When face to face with a deadly grizzly bear in the wild, try to talk about its feelings because, chances are, he’s a good bear who is going through a tough chapter in his life”? How many times have you opened up your History books to the WW2 chapter and read that Adolph Hitler was “just insecure about his moustache and, with a big hug and lots of love, he would’ve been fine”? Obviously, you should realize that what I am trying to get across is how idiotic optimists are. I remember talking to my optimist friend, Maddie, about a wolf attack in Vermont, where a pack of White wolves brutally killed a hiking group, and she responded, “Awww, those wolves must be so sad, what with not being able to say they’re sorry.” Really, Maddie?! At the end of the day, if I had a nickel for every time one of the FBI’s Most Wanted were deprived of love as a child, and, if given the chance, would probably be great at arts and crafts, I would be as poor as Maddie’s judge of character.
“Okay, class!” Mr. Gaydos states, “I graded your tests last night, and some people did good…while others; not so well.” As the crisp loose-leaf paper leaves our Math teacher’s hand and rests on Taylor’s desk, a sigh of disappointment echoes throughout the room as Taylor views the red circled “93” on the wrinkled piece of parchment. Opposite the room, a disappointed math teacher places a 29 on the desk of Little Miss Sunshine, otherwise known as Maddie. A surprising, “WOOHOO” escapes her oddly jovial lips.
“Why are you happy with that monstrosity of a grade?” Taylor questions.
“It could’ve been a 28, you silly goose, teehee!” Maddie answers as an awestruck Taylor slaps her in the face.
Optimists such as Sparkling Sally Maddie never see room for improvement, while Negative Nancy Taylor is never satisfied with her “Good Job!” comment. According to a recent class survey, 84% of students who classified themselves as optimists had an average GPA lower than a 3.0. This proves that Smiling Susans and Happy Haylies have academic records that are “below expectations” due to their Teehee temperament. Also, according to the same poll, 77% of students who had a negative nature accumulated GPAs that averaged to a 3.7 or higher! This shows how being happy-go-lucky is toxic to not only your social life, but also your academic career! How many optimists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, because they’re convinced the light will come back on.
A father had two little sons, one of whom was an eternal optimist, while the other was a perpetual pessimist. One Christmas he decided try to temper both of their proclivities: in addition to their standard gifts, he told them they'd each get something "chosen especially for you!" His plan was to give the pessimist every toy and game he could possibly desire, while the optimist would be directed to the basement filled with manure. On Christmas, after the normal presents were opened, the father sent the optimist to the cellar, while leading the pessimist to the room filled with presents. After the pessimist opened all the gifts, he turned to his father with a sad face and said:
“How can I possibly use all of these? There’s people in the world who have nothing; I need to go donate these toys right now!”
After a few minutes of listening to such woe, the father remembered his optimistic son, and ran to the basement steps. There in the basement was his other son, swimming through the manure with a gleeful smile. The father asked him why he was so happy, to which the boy exclaimed "With this much manure, there must be a pony in here somewhere!"
Being a smiling, laughing, crazy eyed freak show every second of every day is utterly redonkulous. Sorry to tell you this, optimists, but you’re not supposed to laugh everywhere. Just a few examples are a funeral, a murder trial, etc. Also, sometimes, there is no light in the tunnel! You can’t justify why everything in your life is happening for the worse by saying that “Things will get better, teehee!” when you are doing absolutely nothing to make it better! That isn’t faith; that’s stupidity! Unless you’re Kim Kardashian, you aren’t going to become successful by sitting on the couch, inhaling bags of Cheetos at a time, and saying “I’m gonna be someone!” without actually doing anything.
Ultimately, the art of pessimism is far more beneficial than the so-called “gift” of being optimistic. First off, you can’t polish a turd, despite what Optimist Prime says about “everything being beautiful”. Moreover, pessimism will ready you for the wild jungle we call life, while being a happy-go-lucky, “Walking on Sunshine” singing little menace will keep you living in a distorted reality of unicorns and cute kitty cats dressed like Pop Tarts farting out rainbows across the galaxy. Last but not least, remember that optimists may have created airplanes, but pessimists created seat belts. If you still don’t think that being Debbie Dreamer could ever be harmful, just remember Vanessa Hudgens; the young, High School Musical star believed that she would make it big after this trilogy. Remember Sneaker Night? Of course you do. After that dreadful, just dreadful Disney Pop song, no one would higher her for work. Where is she now? Last time TMZ checked, she was in a limousine snorting crack with her influential “peeps”. In the end, a half empty glass always tastes better.