sunday
22 october 2017
11:01-11:26 PM

I just miss you
There is no other way that I could explain how my life is going right now
People ask me all the time how I’m doing
and all I ever say is “eh, pretty good I guess.”
All I see is that I’m only sixteen years old
and my life feel like a complete mess.
A total piece of s***, if it needs to be clarified any further.
I don’t know if the fact my problems aren’t based around normal high school drama like boys makes me more or less mad about it.
I like to think of myself in about ten years
and just thinking that I cant really laugh over the problems that I wen through when I was sixteen.
Because they were real problems.
They are real problems.
The pain of you leaving me is no longer just one giant overwhelming mount of feelings that would never go away.
I kind of wish it were still that way so that I at least felt like there was always going to be a reason for not feeling happy.
Now, everyone else seems to think that enough time has passed for me to stop feeling this way.
Or for me to stop needing the support.
I just feel really alone.
It seems like you are the only person in the universe whose advice could actually fix things.
You are the only one that I need right now
but you are also one of the many that are not here right now.
The only difference is that you wont ever be able to come back,
so that’s your excuse.
Everyone else
they can be here for me.
They just choose not to.
The pain that seems to engulf my body whenever I try to be happy
is not just emotional or mental,
it is one of and probably the most excruciating
physical pains that I’ve felt in a long time.
I know you can’t be here anymore.
I don’t know if you can actually see or here me anymore
or if you can even know me anymore
wherever you are or aren’t.
I have that feeling that you are watching over me
But whenever if feels like I need you to be watching
It’s like that whole feeling has completely disappeared.
I still don’t know how to explain what I feel
or even how.
It just makes me sad that it seems as if the only way I can get over this
is if I start to forget about you.
That is really my worst fear.
I sense that slowly,
I have started to forget your voice,
your face,
your laugh,
us.
I am starting to forget us.
And the thought that I could start losing anything else of yours
makes me feel like I no longer have a purpose.
I really don’t know how to explain it
but it is just like I’m constantly giving up.
You took a part of me with you when you left
and I don’t know how to get it back.
It’s left me forever.
Just like you.