i.

i’m 10 and i’m looking out the window

of my childhood home and all i see

is the grass stained yellow and orange

and dead green and dusty browns

i see people outside playing some

mutated form of kickball but all i can

see is other kids outside, having

the time in summer for fun and not for

worrying over myself too much and

over others too little

ii.

it’s almost midnight and it’s the latest

i’ve seen the clock out when it’s just

by myself, and my thoughts don’t make

sense because i can’t stop thinking

and it’s all a train of thought and it doesn’t

make sense and it’s all just going at once

and i can’t make it stop

and it’s been this way since i turned who knows

long since i never remember really being normal

iii.

my heart is racing as i think of all the things

that could go wrong in all sorts of different

orders from chronological to best to worst

to worst to best to short term to long term

to long term to short term and it’s always the

same thoughts over and over and over

in a line that isn’t quite a line but isn’t

quite a circle and sweat is on my palms

on my neck and on my forehead

behind my ears on my heart in my lungs

in my brain and all i can do is recall numbers

and sequences and how things that can go

wrong will go wrong

like now

iv.

i’ve not slept because as soon as i sleep

the sweat becomes a part of me and my lungs

and i cannot breathe anything except my

own air trapped in a bubble as i think about

what all i am breathing and how energy cant

be destroyed nor created so what is happening

to the energy i felt before tonight what process

did it transfer to is it now the nitrogen oxygen

carbon dioxide argon methane neon helium

that makes up air or is air even what’s in my

lungs because i feel only the constriction of

myself

v.

i’ve gotten a diagnosis and a prognosis and a

everythingnosis and it still feels like everything

is collapsing even with the medicines i was put on

they say it’s called anxiety or generalized anxiety

disorder and i wonder if it will go away with time

or if i can put salt in the wound or what other

home remedies can cure it or if i’ll be living off of

some medicine i can hardly remember to take

did i take it today or yesterday did i take it tomorrow

vi.

what is normal if normal could have a definition

can something abnormal be normal or is it

forever doomed to be abnormal for the rest of their

life will my hands ever feel like they ever belonged

to me and will my head ever feel attached to my

neck and will my brain feel like an organ that is

functional and not made to just shoot electric impulses

that make my chest lock up and my breaths

sieze and my body sweat and my eyes shut down

and my hearing sound like im underwater

will i ever stop drowning

vii.

i’m letting life take its course with me because i know

if i try to fight the current i’ll drown anyways and

if i go down fighting i may as well die out of

embarrassment as well so i'll just go out with knives

in the fronts of everyone trying to grab my hand

so i can let go of any last hands remaining

viii.

the truth about anxiety if truth could exist

is that anxiety has no truth because truth implies

there is a fact and the only fact about anxiety

that i can think of is that it’s overly stigmatized

and the stigma makes already drowning people

get caught further in the currents when we should

be helping them breathe even if that means giving

space or giving less space

ix.

sometimes i still feel like im drowning even though

i have hands everywhere ready to help me and

i still cannot fight the currents and i get caught

in every pothole and hole and ridge and i

stumble on every step down and up and left

and right and i still can’t think half the time but it’s

better than not thinking at all and i’m learning to heal

but you can’t fix what wasn’t broken in the first place

x.

i wonder how i’ve grown from drowning to stumbling

and it doesn’t sound like much of an improvement

but i see it as going from crutches and a cast to

just needing a cast or maybe just needing a helping

hand every now and then and then i think about

everyone whos gone from needing a crutch and a

cast to needing a crutch and a cast and a wheelchair

and i think we need to congratulate those people as

well because despite it all they’re still living and

we should appreciate everyone for trying or even

just being because sometimes trying isn’t enough

for your heart to not feel like it’ll seize in five

minutes or less.