Emotions.   

To be honest I don’t know them 

So I open my computer and type the word in 

And the first link that I’ve chosen, says as follows: 

“a natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one's circumstances, mood, or relationships with others”

I take a breath and I say “well no wonder” 

Because I can't really think of too many happy circumstances 

I can't remember not worrying about finances 

I can’t remember not getting hurt by romances 

I can't remember not dreading school dances 

My stance on emotions is that i don't have one 

I don't really know what they are because i am so numb 

I felt so much that I closed them up and threw them away 

Maybe if i could feel nothing pain would just be a memory 

So i put them Into a safe in my mind under lock and key

I finally finished but instead not feeling i just felt emp-ty

It’s not something you feel once or twice a week 

Its daily, hell, its hourly 

I thought the emptiness  wouldn’t last for long 

But my plan went wrong because i thought it would make me strong 

But instead i locked myself not in my body but inside my head 

And do not be fooled it is a prison not a relaxing escape 

This is a call for help but at the same time I need you to stay away 

Because all I feel is pain.

Not happiness

Not sadness  

Not desire

Ask anyone i'm really not a crier 

There’s something wired deadly in my brain  

And all it will ever say 

is that i am a burden 

It would be a sin to let you in  

Because that pain will hurt you 

You’re going to hate what I’m going through

And you’re going to hate MY truth 

My past 

My demons 

That taunt me for no reason 

They just want me believing that there’s nothing to live for but grieving

and these demons they haunt my thoughts 

There’s no end and tbh i don’t remember the start 

But there was one thing they taught 

You never wanna get too close to someone 

Because they'll know you're distraught 

Stop being sad bc that’s not the show for the tickets they bought

And if they get too close and they’ll hear those voices 

They’ll know your life is pointless

A mistake. 

they’ll see a reason to take what is not theirs 

They’ll bruise you and use you 

Tell you you deserved it while they withdrew

So don’t say i won’t hurt you

Regardless of what you try to convince me you will hurt through and through 

Because receiving pain is all I know how to do

So   what   am   I supposed to give away? 

My sick perception of love in a fake bouquet? 

So even if i seem ok just for a little while 

Dont worry im thinking of the things I’ve been told 

And they pile and pile to the point where I feel I’ve been left in exile 

I don't cry but I forget how to smile

And I’m tired of it 

I’m tired of being controlled but still called your beloved

I’m tired of resting and still being exhausted 

I’m tired of coming to a house and it never being a home 

I’m tired of seeing the world in monochrome

Tired of wearing this disguise  

I’m so exhausted of having to hold ice in my hands

So maybe one day i can understand what it’s like to feel 

I just want to be real 

I don't want to live this life and i don't want to conceal

I want my scars to be healed 

All my emotions have been sealed

you simply haven't felt what I’ve felt.  

You wouldn't like the cards I've been dealt 

You wouldn’t understand because in this hand 

Life gave me too many spades but not enough hearts

Too many costumes but not enough parts 

Not enough band aids but too many scars 

I’ve barely started my life but i feel like its already gone too far 

I’ve been through so much that i just want to get in a car 

And drive so far and and touch the stars

Find the key to get me out of these bars  

I want a restart and no more lies 

I don’t want to live and yet I don’t want to die 

Maybe I deserve this life and maybe I don’t 

Maybe I’ll run away maybe i won't 

I just don't know 

Maybe it’s something in my hormones 

Maybe they’re right. 

I'm young and I’ll understand after my youth

But if this is something everyone goes through 

Then what life am I fighting for?