Dear ADHD,

I hate you. 

Well, not really.

You just make my life way harder. 

You come with a lot of baggage. 

But that’s okay. 

I still love you, I guess. 

Every intrusive thought that plagues my mind at night 

Every time I couldn’t stop myself from having a mental breakdown, 

every time I couldn’t help but lose my focus in class, 

every time I was thrown into an uncontrollable  fit of rage,

 it was all you.

you are the chains that hold me back from my full potential

 I constantly tell myself I would be better off without you. 

And that is true for the most part.

 I would be able to react rationally in stressful situations,

I would be able to succeed in school without taking medication, 

people would be able to touch me without my senses overloading, 

and I wouldn’t experience emotions so intense 

that I have to lock myself in my room for hours on end.

I don’t want you to think that I actually hate you

Because I don’t

It’s just that sometimes I feel so stuck

In an endless loop self-hatred

That I just want you completely out of my life

But I wouldn’t trade you away for anything.

 I’ve learned so much about myself, 

and it’s only motivated me to work harder and do better. 

I’m grateful for the ups and downs, 

because it only makes me more self-aware 

and enables me to become a better version of myself, 

learning from my mistakes and trying over and over again until I can get it right. 

And you’re really not all that bad.

You make me more creative

So I can look at problems from a different perspective.

You give me the ability to hyperfocus on the things that I love

So I can spend hours without noticing anything around me.

You drive me to constantly do better.

So it’s not you

It’s just the lack of support and understanding

that I receive from others

I’ve only felt supported by a teacher once 

and it was only this a few days ago 

and I cried for a while.

because when you tell most teachers you have ADHD

they put you in front of the class to keep an eye on you

and don’t do much other than that.

But this was the first time I felt like I was heard.

And it felt really good.

I’m sorry that I blame you

because it’s not your fault.

It’s everyone else.

and I guess I’m stuck with you forever

so I better get used to you.

Yours truly,

Sofia