These Lines | Teen Ink

These Lines

November 2, 2010
By FlyleafFreak DIAMOND, Loveland, Colorado
FlyleafFreak DIAMOND, Loveland, Colorado
51 articles 0 photos 203 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I have faith in fools;self confidence my friends call it"~Edger Allan Poe
"In this world of infinite insanity, your friends are the best psychiatrists you will ever have."~Me


Those lines, dawning the page
With such elegance, yet rebuke
For the milky white
upon which they are set
The crawl, tenebrous in their act
To asphyxiate meaning
Yet the curves and twirls
Form so much more in the
Suggestive mind
That one mere character
Could shape the very life
Of one's mere existence
Cascades of grey and silver
Wrought havoc across the blue
For the blue felt
And in this feeling the blue shunned
The silvers and grey
As if they were only
Shadows from past trifles
Of so long ago


The author's comments:
Any comments and criticism is much needed and appreciated

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This article has 4 comments.


on Apr. 2 2011 at 8:27 pm
FlyleafFreak DIAMOND, Loveland, Colorado
51 articles 0 photos 203 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I have faith in fools;self confidence my friends call it"~Edger Allan Poe
"In this world of infinite insanity, your friends are the best psychiatrists you will ever have."~Me

Wow, thanks so much. I mean, legit constructive crisitscm!?!?! Unheard of!! Lol, what I mean is thanks.

on Apr. 1 2011 at 6:33 pm
TanGem PLATINUM, Colorado Springs, Colorado
34 articles 0 photos 74 comments

Favorite Quote:
Love is not a feeling; it is a gift, an act, an ultimate sacrifice. -Me (Em)

One last thing: the word "very" and "mere" (on the 11th and 12th lines) contradict each other. So I would suggest going with either one or the other. :) Hope that was helpful!

on Apr. 1 2011 at 6:30 pm
TanGem PLATINUM, Colorado Springs, Colorado
34 articles 0 photos 74 comments

Favorite Quote:
Love is not a feeling; it is a gift, an act, an ultimate sacrifice. -Me (Em)

Maybe one thing to look at is your wordchoice with the word "life." (At about the middle of the poem.) Since you already said "existence," "life" is not necessary. Instead you could try something more descriptive, maybe "form" or "trails?" Just suggestions-- I don't want to put words in your mouth. :)

on Apr. 1 2011 at 6:27 pm
TanGem PLATINUM, Colorado Springs, Colorado
34 articles 0 photos 74 comments

Favorite Quote:
Love is not a feeling; it is a gift, an act, an ultimate sacrifice. -Me (Em)

Whoa, this is really good! Have you been published by TeenInk yet?!