The decision to die at one's own hand is simple | Teen Ink

The decision to die at one's own hand is simple

October 31, 2012
By pageturner PLATINUM, Brooklyn, New York
pageturner PLATINUM, Brooklyn, New York
34 articles 0 photos 94 comments

Favorite Quote:
It's okay to daydream.. just as long as you get to do some of those daydreams.

The decision to die at one’s own hand is simple
A decision is made, and action follows
The one who kills is left with no regrets
However, when one is killed by another
Then everything is left up to chance
Whatever happens next is left up to fate and choice

The woman walked up the street
One she constantly followed
This street didn’t lead to any specific place; yet she always found herself walking this path

There were no specific buildings that stood out around here
Nor were there any distinguishing landmarks
The only noticeable aspect about this place… was the woman walking around

An ordinary woman who wouldn’t have been given a second glance on the street
By no means were her looks distinctive
She wasn’t ugly
Nor was she beautiful
Yet she had an expression on her face that was unforgettable

Her mouth was slightly agape, as if she didn’t even realize it was open
Her face held no specific expression, excluding for her eyes
The blank look in her eyes would deceive a person of her existence
They appeared as the eyes of a dead person

Her eyes followed nothing
Yet she still walked forward
One foot in front of the other
Until she’d stop in front of a black door
She never turned around to face the house
Instead she just stopped walking for a minute
Facing straight ahead
The next day she’d do the same thing again

I watched her sometimes when I could get the chance
I followed behind her one day after school and watched her from behind the corner
Every time she appeared unchanged
The only thing that ever changed about her were her clothes
She always held the same look in her eyes

At the same time, every single day, I watched her pass by the same corner
My eyes followed her as she walked down the street, to the house with the black door, and around the corner until she was out of sight
Until one day when she didn’t show up

Today didn’t look different from any other day
It was normal weather, for a seemingly ordinary day
But she didn’t come again the next day
Or the next
Until she finally showed up
But she didn’t stop by the door this time
It wasn’t until then that I started to figure out what happened when she was gone

She looked the same
She was dressed the same way she would any other day
But something was different about her
For the first time since I saw her
She had an expression on her face
She didn’t look depressed or scared
Like I imagined she would
She had this terrible grin on her face
Like she knew exactly what was going to happen next
And that whatever was going to happen wouldn’t be pretty

Nobody understands what it’s like
Until it happens to them
Nobody could understand the pain and agony I go through
Every single day

Each day
I walk by their house
By the perfect house
With the perfect black door
With the perfect man inside it
With her

She was the one who ruined it all
She stole him from me
She’s the one who gets to live with him everyday
Make love to him every night
And wake up with him in the morning

And now she’s going to pay

I walked by their house for the tenth time today
I kept circling the block
Going round and round
Always heading past that black door

I knew they’re weren’t home at the moment
I made sure to check what time they’ll arrive
He’s at work
Doing his corporate job
Wearing those suits that I love

And the woman
She’s probably screwing around with some guy at her job
She doesn’t deserve him
I deserve him
He should be mine

And he will be
Soon enough

I always make sure that there’s nobody watching
I can meet the neighbors when I become his wife
His wife
I like the sound of those words
Mr. and Mrs. Gorgeous
He really is-
Thick, dark hair
The way he used to looked at me-
Would made my knees would go weak
That was before she came

It was raining
Dark and stormy weather
I don’t have an umbrella
But I didn’t care

I stop by the black door
It’s beautiful
Ornately carved
It’s a shame that it’s not my door
But it will be

I never look at it
I just stare straight ahead
But the first time I ever walked by this house
I took a good long look at it
And burned the image into my eyes

I could probably tell you every detail of what this house looks like
Not any other house
Just this one
His house

It’s been two months now
Two months ever since he moved in with… her
It disgusts me to even think of her being around him for that long
But won’t last much longer

I haven’t figured out my plan yet
But when I do
She’s going to be sorry
It’s only a matter of time before it’ll all be over
And I’ll get to be with him

I couldn’t stop myself from watching her
Even if I wanted to
I just kept staring at her
Wondering what she was doing
Wondering what I was doing
Why was I getting myself involved in this?

Or was I really important
In the grand scheme of things
I was just another person who happened to be at the wrong place, at the wrong time

If I’d stopped myself from looking at her
If I’d stopped myself from following her
If I’d just left her alone
Stayed with my parents
Been a good little boy
Everything would have been different
But it wasn’t

School had been getting busier and more hectic
I could only find myself staring at her every once in a while
But each time
More than the last
I grew more terrified of her
It was like watching a car accident happen right by you
You know you should get away
But you’re stuck
And then you’re gone for

Somehow I got caught up in this
A tiny fly on a spider’s web
Entangled so tightly now
I can’t even breathe

But whose fault was it?
The fly for getting stuck in the trap
Or the spider for making it in the first place?

Everything is ruined
Why was it messed up?
What the hell happened?

My plans were perfect
I was going to get her out of the way
I was going to get him back
I was going to be happy

What went wrong?

He was going to leave soon
Just as I planned
He would be out of the way at a business conference
I never wanted him to get hurt
I just wanted to get rid of her

I was walking by their house less often
Trying not to raise suspicion
But one day-
I decided to turn towards the house
And I looked
I thought my heart would fall out of my chest
When I noticed

That there was an envelope sticking out of the mail slot
It was Sunday
A no-mail day

The hair on the back of my neck stood up
I stepped up to the doorway
And tore the letter out of the slot
Ripping it in half
I got the pieces of paper out of the envelope
And placed the two pieces of paper together

“Someone’s watching you.”

For the first time in years I ran

I ran until I could hear the blood pumping in my head
Until my face turned red
Until I didn’t even now where I was running to

But then I stopped

This was not supposed to happen
And I made sure that this wouldn’t mess with my plans

They didn’t know about this yet
If the letter was outside of their house-
That meant that they still hadn’t read it
I just needed to find out who sent the letter

Pretty soon-
I got my answer

It was a kid
He couldn’t have been more than a few years younger than me
Too bad he wouldn’t get to see the next year

He followed me around
And watched me from behind
I never realized
He almost ruined my plans

I stayed away from the house for a while
Planning out my next move
I returned
The day of his plane departure –
I came back
And I waited
Hid and waited until it was dark

All night I’ve been sprinkling the house all day with ethanol
Over their flowers
Over their windows
Over their precious black door
And right before I ran away
Clad in all black
I lit a match

And dialed 911 as I watched the house burn down

“Police. Help! There’s a house on fire!”

I answered in my carefully practiced voice

And watched as the flames engulfed the house

Within minutes the police and firemen were here
But by then they were too late

A month later, everything calmed down
The police stopped investigating the house
Neighbors stopped crowding around the doorway to see what happened
And the guy who used to live there moved out

It’s all my fault
If I hadn’t stopped her
If I’d done more than write a letter
This wouldn’t have happened
She wouldn’t have died

I asked a police officer who was hanging around the house what‘d happened
He told me that a woman died that night
That she died
From suffocation from flames

I wouldn’t go to school for a week
I faked being sick so my parents would leave me alone
After a while, I started acting like everything was normal
Even though I knew I was living a lie

Now I’m standing here again
And then I felt something move up to me

She was standing right behind me
Breathing over my shoulder
Right next to my ear

And she whispered

“Your next.”

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