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He Was Visiting Someone Else
May 22, 2013
Exhaust trailing from under the belly growling,
A fine fog dissipating into the surrounding black velvet
Rumbling bus relinquishing its toasted wares
Onto cobbled walk sides, sleepy crowd alights
Into a fishbowl of silence, a void winking bare
On dripping stone cloaked inky in murky sleep’s hour
Fought feebly by posts with subdued amber crowns
Sapped echoes lying round alleyways, wrapped in sighs
A climb down, to see that swerved brow, eyebrows never not
Cocked in slingshot mode, smirk always burrowed in the back
Of such parted lips; From the start a presence noticed
Turning gaze right away to watch lanky steps wide
Not pressed but eager to arrive, yet neck also bent
Bewildered, and following, fostering a hope to receive
A visit, a crossing, a cut of eyes; slur of words,
Even stupid, in good time, shared and understood
Dark eerie assaulted the heels of the feet,
Soles slapping puddles imitating the damp world above
As under the hovering roofs the paced footsteps placed
Elucidation unheard; collar drawn up to the jaw
Gliding form up hilly asphalt black cake crumbs;
Lost round the church’s hip, found again on the Rue
de L’Eglise; eyelids lowered, tentatively trained on
The broad back floating right past the drive up
Towards the next cottages obscured by night; leaving
A deflated chest, a closed mouth, a silent click of defeat
© Alicia S., Bethesda, MD
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION
This article has 12 comments.
Metalhead08 GOLD said...
on May. 30 2013 at 4:39 am
Wow! This was carefully crafted with great imagery, strong descriptions, and personally I don't understand what was so confusing for other people to understand. I'm not sure if it is because I write similarly depending on what I'm writing about... I don't know. I thought it was absolutely wonderful, job well done! Keep it up!
Again, I apologize that it's harder to string together the lines into a coherent idea. I must admit the night in question being written about was a very strange night, and I felt that only a really crazy approach to it would do it justice. Do you have any lines in particular that could be helped with word choice? Usually when I read poems a couple specific lines jump out at me as the weak links, so if you have those, do be so kind as to tell me :) Thank you for the feedback and taking the time to try and understand this poem
Why thank you, that's very flattering but also a figurative body check that I need to keep poems relatable to a reader. One of the most fun things is to have a poem that gets people thinking. My favorite works are ones I had to read again and again before I understood, so I try to emulate that from time to time, but provide a title that can reveal what, at the basis, is really going on. Also, my free verse is supposed to be distorted emotion, so I totally understand if it's harder to read and the flow is more choppy than most poems. Thanks for the feedback!
Laugh-it-Out PLATINUM said...
on May. 26 2013 at 10:55 pm
Wow, well done. I thought that your word choice and descriptions were good, but they could have been stronger. Also, I liked the second half of the piece more than the first half because I thought that it was clearer what was going on. See here, the title explains it all so you don't really have to think about it, but if the title was something else I don't think that I would have been able to connect the poem to the story. Now please don't feel like I am hating on your poem because it was really good all the same (I mean Duh it won an editors choice !!) but I think that it is sort of hard to follow. Great job though, now onto your next poem :) keel rockin
Again, I found the same situation here (for the better and the worse) that was evident in your other poem, "Exploring Poison." At first, I found your poem rather hard to understand. But, after looking at some comments, and reading through the text again-- the beauty of your writing was clearly shining through. I think part of the confusion problem was that your style is very unique, and ignorant people like me aren't used to poems written in this way. However, you have to know that you have incredible talent, and you wholly deserve the Editor's Choice badge marked on this poem. Your idea was incredibly well developed, and I feel like I can learn a lot about both you as a writer and the English language in general, by reading the things you have posted on Teenink. You are evidently a very gifted writer and thinker, and I hope you pursue writing in the future!
Rebecca.xx BRONZE said...
on May. 26 2013 at 5:40 pm
First off, let me just say this is incredible! I envy your remarkable talent. Your use of sensory/description was great. I have to say though, I didn't like the way the poem was formatted. It was one long stanza, and each line break seemed a bit awkward. Perhaps it was just me, but I think one stanza poems can be a bit of a bore. Besides that, I thought it was really good- keep writing!
Helena_Noel BRONZE said...
on May. 25 2013 at 9:48 am
Well, that's just wonderful! I actually spent quite a bit of time complaining to a friend last night that my writing would never be as unique as yours, since the entirety of my subject matter can be summed up in nature and spirituality. But apparently, some people still like reading it. That meant alot, thank you!
Thank you! I try to steer clear of nature unless it's heavily linked with a new or marking experience. I must admit however that I've been shamelessly rummaging through your entire collection of work and am impressed at the sophistication you display. It's obvious you give rigorous thought to the message of your poems and I enjoy reading every one of them
Helena_Noel BRONZE said...
on May. 25 2013 at 12:24 am
Wow! This is just awesome. you know, I haven't seen many poems of this style and subject. Most on this site tend to prefer to paint pictures of nature, or to compare man-made things to nature in the vein of the traditional poets and Romanticist, merely with the modern, freeverse stlye. But here, you have both sides of the modernist stlye, like Sandburg and his contemporaries. I really don't know what else to say. This is just astonishingly good. Congrats on the Editor's Choice checkmark!
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