One Bird | Teen Ink

One Bird

May 23, 2013
By PhoebeB GOLD, Lexington, Massachusetts
PhoebeB GOLD, Lexington, Massachusetts
10 articles 0 photos 26 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent."
-Victor Hugo


I am a bird, encaged.


Trapped within the walls, the bars-


trapped within a shadow


that never dies.



I thought I was safe,


but there is no safe here.


I sing, until I can forget who I am,


but I cannot forget who they are.



The others. The outside.



They never leave-


they watch me crumble in


my darkness.



Piece by piece,


falling apart.





One bird-


lost.



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This article has 3 comments.


ephemeral GOLD said...
on May. 27 2013 at 1:08 am
ephemeral GOLD, Park City, Utah
17 articles 0 photos 52 comments

Favorite Quote:
"All that is gold does not glitter/Not all those who wander are lost/The old that is strong does not wither/Deep roots are not reached by the frost"

Hm while I like the poem in its entirety I think you could work on diction here. I'm an opponent of cliches, so I'd personally suggest trying to find another way to characterize and express the cage and the bird singing. To stay within your theme, you could relate your falling apart to losing feathers rather than going "piece by piece", which is an everyday saying and therefore also slightly cliched. I think you should focus on trying to create a new experience for your reader when they take on your poem rather than just write about your experiences in ways that people have hear before. Maybe this criticism is too critical--I feel like this is the most critical I've been on here. I hope I don't offend; You did a nice job with the idea, but I think you have the potential to make this piece even better.

on May. 26 2013 at 10:37 am
Helena_Noel BRONZE, Burnt Hills, New York
1 article 0 photos 629 comments

Favorite Quote:
“I'd rather see a sermon than hear one any day; I'd rather one should walk with me than merely tell the way: The eye's a better pupil and more willing than the ear, fine counsel is confusing, but example's always clear.” -Edgar Guest

This has a very dark feel, and the short lines and large spaces between lend it a sort of drama and heaviness. For some reason, when I think of birds in poetry, I think of Emily Dickenson's Hope Is the Thing With Feathers. This is, for me, obviously a sharp contrast to what I normally percive them as. One, the personification of hope, the other of all it means to be lost, frail and alone. I think that just makes me appreciate this a bit more, though.

on May. 26 2013 at 6:07 am
ChocolateLove SILVER, Warsaw, Other
5 articles 6 photos 158 comments
Your poetry is very, very deep and slightly dark. This poem is simple but beautifuly written. I love it :D!!!!!!!