The things I fail to grasp are that my oceans of tears and shrieking cries will no longer be met by your comforting voice.
That you are no longer gracing the Earth with your soft brown eyes and shock of red hair. Or that you will never say my name again, that I will never hear those string of syllables cross your pink lips.
And all these tissues can not erase the pain and throbbing ache I feel deep in my bones when I remember that you are no longer a phone call away.
A listening ear to my heartache, a warm body to entrap my mess of limbs, a helpful mind and different set of eyes for essays.
You are no longer any of those things. And to try to grasp that fact makes my breath come short and shallow. My sleep cease to exist, my heart pound hard and slow all at once.
The things that I need to grasp are that when I told your mother that a parent should never have to bury her child and she told me a girl should never have to bury her lover is that it’s okay to cry, because everyone else is too.
The things that I’m failing to grasp are shredding me into slivers that don’t stack up as human any longer.
The things that I need to grasp are that you are no longer within my reach, or merely a phone call away to hear your sweet voice chime and lull my worries to sleep.
The things I need to grasp is that this pain in my chest, all my tears, and screams combined will not bring you back to my arms, or allow me to get the chance to tell you that I forgive you.
The thing I need to grasp, is that death is permanent, and this time gone really does mean gone.
The things that I fail to grasp are that even as I pour out my emotions onto this paper and stain it with this ink, it is nothing but a temporary fix to the madness you left in the wake of your absence
The things that I need to grasp are that no dam can block or hold back the inevitable flood of pain that will wash over me twice every year when I remember my first love on her birthday and the day that she decided to end her life.
The things that I need to grasp are that it will get easier as the years tick by, but know that I will never forget the hand that first made me feel safe and loved.
The thing that I pray my current love grasps is that you are still my future. All of my hopes, birthday wishes, and fairytales rolled into one. That just because I am grieving for a past paramour, does not mean my focus has shifted away from you in any way, shape, or form.
The things that others fail to grasp is that you learn how to keep the tears at bay but you never learn how to turn off the grief. It does not mean I forgot. There is no magic switch that I can flip to forget her or erase all our shared memories that I alone must carry now that she is gone. It is not something they teach to you in school. It is something you are left to figure out by yourself.
The thing that I will always fail to grasp is that there is no way to pin point when you got this idea into your head. There is no set number of how many more times saying I love you or how much you are valued could have stopped you from leaving.
The thing I need to grasp is that no amount of poetry will bring you back or ease the ache I feel in my heart and in my hand when I think of you and how your fingers twined perfectly together with mine.
The thing I need to grasp is that this is no longer a love letter or poem that I get to show you with a childish smile and eyes seeking approval or praise from you.
The thing that I need to grasp is that this will be the only goodbye I ever get to say to you.