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To The Boy I Once Loved
To the boy I once loved.
To the boy I still love.
To the boy I will always love.
This is not a love letter, because I’ve written you thousands and my hand hurts.
So this is simply the story of two dysfunctional people who loved each other more than anything.
This is the story of a fairytale and even though most people wouldn’t think it’s much of a fairytale at all, it belongs to us and that makes it beautiful.
Broken, but strong.
Just like the sun and the moon who loved each other but couldn’t be together.
One thing is absolutely certain— when we loved, we loved hard.
The stars and the moon and the whole damn solar system must have been jealous because they knew they could never compete with you; you were my complete universe and I never needed them like I needed you.
They used to say to me- what makes you think the boy who doesn’t care about anything will care about you?
And I laughed in their face because you did.
You loved me and I loved you and that was the only thing that mattered.
I was like a canvas and you were like a jar of paint.
But we put our heart and soul into being together and after all our hard work, we just watched as we fell apart.
We were broken into so many pieces there was no way anybody could put us back together- the strongest glue wasn’t even enough.
Maybe the idea of perfection and how everything is supposed to be implanted into our heads so early is what broke us, or maybe it was just my trust issues.
The way you looked at me was probably the same way God looked at Jesus and I’m trying not to choke up as I write this because your voice never stops echoing in my head and I can feel your touch…
I love you. That’s what you told me.
You always said it slowly or not at all.
The last time you kissed me felt different.
I felt like your lips were struggling to tell me something. Like they were trying to find the right words but they just couldn’t.
The sad part is they still haven’t.
Maybe one day in ten years we’ll see each other again. You’ll look at me as you cross the street and then it’ll hit you.
You’ll feel it deep inside your bones and you’ll hate yourself for it.
You’ll realize that I once did, and always will, really love you with every atom that I am made of.
Or maybe you’ll look at me as a distant stranger and I’ll remember you as the boy I once loved.
The boy I still love.
The boy I’ll always love.
And I’ll remember the time you held me so tight I felt my bones twitch.
You might smile at me and I’ll smile back, and then come the what if’s.
What we could have been, should have been.
And now I know what we are. What we will always be. What we are not. And what we will probably never be.