Dear World,
Stop the music
Stop talking
Stop everything
Because I have to find my thoughts again
I have to think again
Because if I can't think
I have nothing
There is nothing for me
I am not beautiful without those thoughts
I am not talented without those thoughts
I am no longer the kid that so many people believed in without those thoughts
I am the dust on the ground that someone should have kicked 
Someone should have trampled
Someone should have spewed spit on
but decided not to
because they thought one day it would rain, the sun would shine, clouds would part, and a seed would sprout forth new life from the dust
If only they urged the plant to grow, a flower would open awestrucked to the sky

Well, guess what!
It rained, the sun shined, clouds parted but all that was left was mud
Mud that can't think
Mud that can't put pen to paper like it did in the fourth grade
Mud with a brain that doesn't move as quick as it should or used to move
Mud that can't explain the experiment it told you about as an eight year old
Mud that can't decide on a path and stick to it
Millions diverged in a yellow wood
Mud that is still stuck at the fork
Mud trying to muddle through the mess of its mind, the trash left from years of gathering information
The torrent of short-lived passions
The debris left from the war of trying to fulfill some prescribed destiny
Lost mud
Sad mud
Middle school mud that promised it would never allow itself to fall into despair
but in high school fell anyway
An apologetic mud that is coming to you as humbly as it knows how begging you for a fix
Begging you to stop wanting, stop expecting, stop praising just for a moment
Because right now those praises go down an empty hole
Because right now they feel like chokeslams again and again on an open mat
Because right now they just feel like all of the things it could have become, but will never be
because this mud doesn't win anymore
This mud can't work anymore
This mud can't study anymore
This mud can't read anymore
And all the hype makes the mud unable to breathe anymore

Save the mud and tell it what it needs to hear,
That it is not special!
That it is not destined to be the only light of its lifetime
That its strife is another's strife
And that despite the world's blinders, it is not alone
that it is different, but not special
Because special is too much pressure
Because special says you have to be a superhero or a superspy or a superwinner or at least supersmart
because anything less removes the specialness
Because anything less renders you stupid, untalented or worse...not gifted
Because they will make your grades tell your worth
And if your grades drop, you are no longer gifted
No longer "that smart"
No longer special
Conversations you will never hear
Saying well I got higher than that mud
I did better than that mud
You will be nothing

So, don't tell me letting go is simple
because we don't think the same
Don't tell me, "it doesn't have to be perfect"
While I'm still fighting for validity
Because in my mind, I replay the movies over and over again of times I disappointed people
I remember the whispers, the closing eyes, the drooping arms, the lowered voice
I remember the look, rewind the slow motion wave of "I thought you would be better."
And when you told me you loved me, I remember trying to decipher if I should be too smart to believe it
Because I should know the answer
Because my first memory is being put on a pedestal for reading
Then being put down for humility
Then being brought back up for thinking
Only to be standing now, one foot on the ground
Because my thoughts are gone
And I am numb
Because a cigarette lighter couldn't light a fire deep enough to make me believe wholly in life again
Because I am forever in dreamsleep, performing doublethink
Even though I can't think
on the brink of an incomparable conquest
Learning to be smart and stupid at the same time

Because in the grime of my mind there may still be a seed that I just don't know how to grow
But while I am waiting
The show must go on.
I must perform!
Create a light and point to it
So no one notices the scars
And the beaten heart, and the torn eyes looking for the start of something new
That musical was lying!
Because I am dying inside
Because at the end of the day all I want to do is scream a sign in big letters saying
World!
I
Can't
Think

Anymore