1.

You don’t deserve to be sad. You deserve
the entire world
even though the world sucks
and it doesn’t deserve you
it never will,
not even close.

2.

It’s not your fault
you did nothing wrong so
please
don’t cry
or it'll seep into the carpet
and make it smell like
rum and guilt and
falling
to pieces then the floor will feel like
drowning drowning
drowning.

3.

You’re right.
I’m not fine
but I’ll be damned before I ever admit that because -
because you see, I have this unbearable need to appear
competent like I have it together all the time and I can't stand
the idea of anyone seeing through my facade;
transparent as an acidic lake
inhospitable
and please don’t tell them, whatever you do
please don't say a word.

4.

You told me I don’t put enough effort
into this friendship
and you’re right about that and
I know.
I’ve known all along.
What can I say? I am an expert in pushing people away
and filling the void of their absence with
brittle 0.5 pencil leads
papers etched with black that slice my fingertips when I pick them up wrong
dark coffee in chipped buttery-yellow mugs
clocks that perpetually read 4:37 am
and pretending everything is
lovely lovely
lovely.

5.

I always laugh when you complain
about the sheer number of people who are always
falling
for you but I know it sucks
that feeling of being surrounded
crowded in.
Sometimes I am so lost
in the realization that I am so
utterly undesirable that I envy you in a
twisted
self-deprecating way.
But who wouldn’t love you?
Who wouldn’t become enamoured
with your sincerity and kindness
the clear bright of the sun shining through the curtains
on a movie-scene July morning?

6.

You
told me
once that you
hated
when people
dumped
their
problems onto
you
and that’s been my
greatest
fear
ever since. That and
cockroaches.

7.

Thank you.

8.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry
I’m sorry.