Hey dad,

do you remember what you told me during that 40-minute drive?

Rambling and ranting cuz I just couldn't understand why

why my last name wasn't his

cuz why accept my stepdad as he is?

Maybe you just wanted your last name to survive.

You drilled it into me as I was only five.

Oh woah

over and over 

repeating my own name

till I said the one that satisfied you just the same.

but I think I liked it better the other way.

Hey dad,

do you remember all the schedules that we bounced through in my youth?

Nothing ever really worked, but you seldom let that be the truth.

I'd close my eyes and find a book to read

to be anyone that wasn't me

to be able to fit into your charade.

Did you remember I was just in second grade?

Oh-woah

over and over

you over-compensate

because you want me to belong in this family that you've made.

But I know when something's up 

when things are too good to stay that way

Did it occur to you that I was only eight?

Hey dad,

do you remember when I slept in my stepmom's office in tears?

you used manipulative tactics you'd been using for years.

Raucus laughter from the living room

Latin men, their wives and booze

left me sleeping on the floor of a drafty room.

I'm not fond of that step-family

my stepmom always late to come get me

to the point where I'm left crying at the school.

Such a lucky little eleven-year-old fool.

Over and over you say 

things will change

but after all this time things are still looking the same.

You were fighting Mom in court

Not for me

It was for yourself

and gosh I really hated being twelve.

Hey dad, do you remember my old therapist who called you out?

Who said you made no time for your daughter in the here and now?

She called you a narcissist

saw the gaslighting for what it is

and I see why you made her stop seeing me.

That was a few months before I turned thirteen.

Over and over

even in quarantine

but at least then you weren't around enough to gaslight me.

I guess my destiny is to be seen but not believed.

Hey dad,

do you remember the state law that seemed to put me in my place?

that until fourteen came around,

the court doors were slammed in my face?

Do you remember when you told me you'd never take me away from my Mom?

That was a lie

cuz you still tried 

and got it wrong.

Over and over

I've tried to get out

to destroy the vicious cycle I'm still in now

your lies turned into my self-hatred

you planted every seed

destroying every boundary with your ever desperate need.

Your need to have me in your life

I need my limits with you.

Fourteen years on earth and I know this to be true.

After everything you've done

after all the harm you've caused

Hey dad, 

did you know,

I'm fifteen now.