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Under the Same Moon

October 20, 2011
By dontforget GOLD, Cortland, New York
More by this author
dontforget GOLD, Cortland, New York
15 articles 0 photos 74 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The best things in life are left unseen. That's why we close our eyes when we cry, kiss, and dream."

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I can hear the hum
I can feel your veins
Reaching out just to catch your pain

I used to know how to dream
now life flows on, like an endless stream

Melancholy goodbyes

Your tears are just another drop into the sea
Sometimes it's hard to believe you breath the same air as me

So watch the moon-fall on your silent balcony
And I'll gaze too,
If I can blank out the city streets

The same stars above,
day after day
seem different now, as I see your face

I'll cover your fears with my flushed cheek bones
as you kiss me
between the ears

© Jennifer H., Bethesda, MD

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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 30 comments.

JRaye PLATINUM said...
on Jan. 31 2016 at 3:53 pm
JRaye PLATINUM, Dorr, Michigan
43 articles 10 photos 523 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;If you build your house far enough away from Trouble, then Trouble will never find you.&quot;<br /> <br /> &quot;Have you ever looked fear in the face and said, &#039;I just don&#039;t care.&#039;?&quot;

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I adore this...
Ray--yo PLATINUM said...
on Jan. 29 2016 at 6:47 am
Ray--yo PLATINUM, Kathmandu, Other
43 articles 2 photos 581 comments

Favorite Quote:
God Makes No Mistakes. (Gaga?)<br /> &quot;I have hated the words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right.&quot; -Liesel Meminger via Markus Zusac, &quot;The Book Thief&quot;

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This is wonderful. The construction is really nice, too; helps set the mood brilliantly. As other readers here have mentioned, your decision of choosing less words has worked very nicely. Awesome writing!
so_joy SILVER said...
on Aug. 16 2012 at 10:32 pm
so_joy SILVER, Navesink, New Jersey
8 articles 0 photos 722 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Be the change you want to see.&quot;

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I love this! I especially love when you say "between the ears" instead of "on the lips". Beautiful! Please read,rate,and comment on my poems! Thanks!
PhoenixCrossing GOLD said...
on Dec. 25 2011 at 3:09 pm
PhoenixCrossing GOLD, Tinley Park, Illinois
14 articles 0 photos 178 comments
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I find this piece extremely romantic and I like it a lot, especially when you put the situation into perspective: "breathing the same breath". Great job with this one :)
Mynameislindsayy SILVER said...
on Nov. 27 2011 at 6:42 pm
Mynameislindsayy SILVER, Seattle, Washington
7 articles 8 photos 52 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;I&#039;d rather just except who I am, what&#039;s the use of trying to change?&quot;

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I really liked this!! I've got to say that you are a very talented writter! I've read some of your poems and they are all fantastic!:) Keep up the good work
LittleMissSunshine08_11 SILVER said...
on Nov. 27 2011 at 5:33 pm
LittleMissSunshine08_11 SILVER, Boston, Massachusetts
9 articles 0 photos 23 comments

Favorite Quote:
Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad. ~Norm Papernick

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I like the pretty, flowy, not overly-wordy language. I agree with Im--NOT--Rayyn, with the Romeo and Juliet reference. It's an unusual (in a good way, definitely) love poem, and I really like it. Great work!
SpringRayyn PLATINUM said...
on Nov. 27 2011 at 9:41 am
SpringRayyn PLATINUM, Lakeville, Minnesota
34 articles 2 photos 658 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Don&#039;t punish yourself,&quot; she heard her say again, but there would be punishment and pain, and there would be happiness too. That was writing.&quot;<br /> --Markus Zusak, &quot;The Book Thief&quot;

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Somehow this reminds me of Romeo and Juliet. I don't really know, maybe it's the balcony part. I like how it seems like you are saying the words like you're trying to make it seem like it doesn't matter, if that makes sense.
dontforget GOLD said...
on Nov. 26 2011 at 10:05 pm
dontforget GOLD, Cortland, New York
15 articles 0 photos 74 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;The best things in life are left unseen. That&#039;s why we close our eyes when we cry, kiss, and dream.&quot;

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Yes, it is supposed to be bittersweet, but definitely not country lol the melody reminds me somewhat of owl city songs or "like we used to" by rocket to the moon.
dontforget GOLD said...
on Nov. 26 2011 at 10:03 pm
dontforget GOLD, Cortland, New York
15 articles 0 photos 74 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;The best things in life are left unseen. That&#039;s why we close our eyes when we cry, kiss, and dream.&quot;

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Thanks! I'll take those things into account! I really do appreciate it.
dontforget GOLD said...
on Nov. 26 2011 at 10:01 pm
dontforget GOLD, Cortland, New York
15 articles 0 photos 74 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;The best things in life are left unseen. That&#039;s why we close our eyes when we cry, kiss, and dream.&quot;

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Thanks!!(:
dontforget GOLD said...
on Nov. 26 2011 at 10:01 pm
dontforget GOLD, Cortland, New York
15 articles 0 photos 74 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;The best things in life are left unseen. That&#039;s why we close our eyes when we cry, kiss, and dream.&quot;

View profile
Thank you(:
dontforget GOLD said...
on Nov. 26 2011 at 10:00 pm
dontforget GOLD, Cortland, New York
15 articles 0 photos 74 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;The best things in life are left unseen. That&#039;s why we close our eyes when we cry, kiss, and dream.&quot;

View profile
Thanks!! (:
AlaskaFrost GOLD said...
on Nov. 26 2011 at 11:58 am
AlaskaFrost GOLD, Acushnet, Massachusetts
17 articles 7 photos 131 comments
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wow. i just added this to my favorites because this is such a GREAT poem!! first of all, the title is amazing. the poem flows so nicely and there are so many good lines!!

"I used to know how to dream
now life flows on, like an endless stream

Melancholy goodbyes"

^some of my favorite lines!!

 

GREAT JOB! i hope this gets published

Rayne GOLD said...
on Nov. 26 2011 at 12:47 am
Rayne GOLD, Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin
17 articles 0 photos 46 comments
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***** Haha i meant now life flows on, like an endless stream
Rayne GOLD said...
on Nov. 26 2011 at 12:46 am
Rayne GOLD, Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin
17 articles 0 photos 46 comments
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Really pretty:) I especially like the line "I used to know how to dream/ now like flows on, an endless stream."
poetic.eyes PLATINUM said...
on Nov. 25 2011 at 8:04 pm
poetic.eyes PLATINUM, Everson, Washington
23 articles 3 photos 198 comments

Favorite Quote:
eARTh

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I like the simple language, the flowing of the phrases, but the alternating amount of lines in the stanzas. It is creatively constructed!
The_End GOLD said...
on Nov. 25 2011 at 8:01 pm
The_End GOLD, Ashton, Idaho
10 articles 0 photos 31 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Any man can stand adversity. If you truly want to test a man&#039;s character, give him power.&quot; Abraham Lincoln

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Honestly I think the only things that might need tweaking are the stanza's beginning with "So watch..." and "The same stars..."

What I love about the first few stanzas are their physical connotation ("hum...veins" "tears...breathe same air..."). They are what make the poem so raw and emotional. The last stanza is only further proof of that as well. But those middle sets of lines have a sense of detachment, and don't seem to pack quite as much of a punch.

Of course, you could by going for variety, which is great for songwriting. :)

Great lyrics, keep it up! :)

Helena_Noel BRONZE said...
on Nov. 25 2011 at 1:15 pm
Helena_Noel BRONZE, Burnt Hills, New York
1 article 0 photos 629 comments

Favorite Quote:
&ldquo;I&#039;d rather see a sermon than hear one any day; I&#039;d rather one should walk with me than merely tell the way: The eye&#039;s a better pupil and more willing than the ear, fine counsel is confusing, but example&#039;s always clear.&rdquo; -Edgar Guest

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This is pretty good. What kinda genre music genre is this ment to be sung to? I can imagine this being country or perhaps folk, its got that same sadly-sweet vibe.
Jennypig GOLD said...
on Nov. 23 2011 at 7:56 pm
Jennypig GOLD, Winslow, Maine
13 articles 0 photos 63 comments

Favorite Quote:
Get living or get dying -Stepen King<br /> We are a little weird and life is a little weird, so when we find someone who&#039;s weirdness is compatible with our own, we fall in a mutual weirdness and call it love. -Dr. Seuss

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I love this poem its really emotional like... your really good =)
dontforget GOLD said...
on Nov. 23 2011 at 7:23 pm
dontforget GOLD, Cortland, New York
15 articles 0 photos 74 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;The best things in life are left unseen. That&#039;s why we close our eyes when we cry, kiss, and dream.&quot;

View profile
Thank you!(: