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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
More by this author
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants. <br /> <br /> Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: &quot;If you give a man a fire, he&#039;ll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he&#039;ll be warm for the rest of his life.&quot; -Terry Pratchett.

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[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 1985 comments.

Kara_Hikaru SILVER said...
on Dec. 11 2010 at 7:32 am
Kara_Hikaru SILVER, Plaquemine, Louisiana
6 articles 0 photos 7 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Live your life like you want to, because the people who mind don&#039;t matter and those who matter don&#039;t mind.&quot;~ Unknown

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that's true. especially, Breaking Dawn. My little brother, who got into my books, he was seven and I had that page bookmarked with them on their honeymoon. He comes into my room and says, "What are they doing?" So I explain they were just having "fun". He screams, "You're reading bad and gross things!" He slams the book down to the floor and runs out crying. A little overdramatic for me, but I realized little kids and Twilight do not mix. 
paige.xo said...
on Dec. 11 2010 at 4:56 am
paige.xo, Auckland, Other
0 articles 0 photos 15 comments

Favorite Quote:
&ldquo;First things first, I&rsquo;m surrealist.&rdquo; &mdash; Salvador Dali

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Yeah. The movies killed Twilight. My nine year old step sister read them which also put me off, although I don't think it is appropriate for nine year olds anyway.....
keepinitreal BRONZE said...
on Dec. 10 2010 at 10:39 pm
keepinitreal BRONZE,
2 articles 0 photos 8 comments

Favorite Quote:
relax, throw your nikes up on the table, read a book, and let the haters hate.

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hahahahahaha i luvd thiss :)
fashionlover16 SILVER said...
on Dec. 10 2010 at 6:15 pm
fashionlover16 SILVER, New Gloucester, Maine
5 articles 0 photos 49 comments

Favorite Quote:
I honestly don&#039;t know what my favorite personal quote is. I can tell u what i like, if u want that. I really like the twilight series. whenever my mom suggests that we should go shopping, i light up. I love shopping. well thats about it, byez!!!!! &lt;3

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lol i TOLD u!! lol, but seriously can we atleast not hate eachother?? Maybe agree on a few things?? :) :P
ComedyTragedy said...
on Dec. 10 2010 at 4:04 pm
If you think we could be friends when I don't know you at all you may have a sense of humor after all.
fashionluvr16 said...
on Dec. 10 2010 at 3:20 pm
Hey ur rite. Do u think that we can start over, and try to be friends?? :) :)
fashionluvr16 said...
on Dec. 10 2010 at 3:19 pm
Hey ur rite, srry. Do u think we could start over, and try to be friends? :)
ComedyTragedy said...
on Dec. 10 2010 at 1:33 pm
Apparently you don't or you would have saw the humor in it. You don't know what they would think either. Unless you're stalking them which would be extremely creepy on your part. But I guess its your choice. Do what you want but by the responses I've read so far, everyone else that it was pretty funny.
skyebleu said...
on Dec. 10 2010 at 1:30 pm
I'm not a twilight superfan but, this isn't funny at all. You have no sense of humor once so ever
TheOccasionalPessimist BRONZE said...
on Dec. 10 2010 at 5:24 am
TheOccasionalPessimist BRONZE, Dubai, Other
2 articles 1 photo 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
I&#039;m not crazy, you&#039;re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

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You can take it from me that this was epic. I loved it.

I've only read the first three chapters of Twilight, and I knew it was awmigodsHORRIBLE then itself. This more or less proved it to me.

Thank you for writing this. I like it.

fashionluvr16 said...
on Dec. 9 2010 at 3:08 pm
TRUST ME I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR, but this wuz just plain mean. If Taylor Lautner, Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart or Stephanie Meyer, read this, i think that they would be majorly offended. Honestly this is must my opinion.
ComedyTragedy said...
on Dec. 9 2010 at 1:32 pm
They were trying to be humorous not mean. You're talking it way out of proportion. If you thought that this was mean then obviously you don't have a sense of humor.
Durp. said...
on Dec. 9 2010 at 12:27 pm
i loved the part where edward killed bella xDD
JiminyCrickey said...
on Dec. 9 2010 at 10:07 am
That was sooo great :DD it was hilarious xD
akwolfchick SILVER said...
on Dec. 9 2010 at 12:45 am
akwolfchick SILVER, Anchorage, Alaska
6 articles 0 photos 7 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Most of what people think and believe and a lot of their quotes comes from what others have said. Funny thing is is that I think I&#039;m the only one who&#039;s said this&quot;.

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briliant i dont like twilight and this sums it up perfectly
Cassandra_M SILVER said...
on Dec. 8 2010 at 9:38 pm
Cassandra_M SILVER, Bryan, Texas
6 articles 0 photos 8 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;And don&#039;t hate us because we choose to have courage and be different. Because courage is hard to come by now a days and I for one like the Idea of being courageous like a hero as does he.&quot; -Mikayla Cassandra Moats

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I believe it was a spoof. It was very funny. I like the books (not so much the movies) but still this was very funny.
HeartbrokenAngel BRONZE said...
on Dec. 8 2010 at 1:14 pm
HeartbrokenAngel BRONZE, Cottonwood, California
2 articles 0 photos 11 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Do you know how much I wish I could go back in time and change so many things? The first one is you.&quot;

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Haha. I would read it. Someone should do it.
tanya13 said...
on Dec. 7 2010 at 5:33 pm
o. hey i love this one. i also love twilight yew jzt had creation tew make it in only few min.
silentvocal SILVER said...
on Dec. 6 2010 at 7:47 pm
silentvocal SILVER, Chicago, Illinois
5 articles 0 photos 44 comments

Favorite Quote:
Don&#039;t try to fix what isn&#039;t broken

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omg this is hilareous. ive never read the books but i saw the movies which where not so amusing. lol -made me laugh-sweet. i like this :D
AMCLRIDCA PLATINUM said...
on Dec. 6 2010 at 7:07 pm
AMCLRIDCA PLATINUM, CDA, Idaho
31 articles 2 photos 226 comments

Favorite Quote:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take... but by the moments that take your breath away.

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Haha! This is awesome! Your a genius!(: