I went in boldly and closed the door firmly behind me. I tried to look confident, how could I reassure her if I couldn't even convince myself? Convince myself what exactly? That everything would be all right, that I would wake up and this cold, tragic misfortune would be over. That was a naïve thought.
I took a seat on the hard wooden bench, the air reeked of disinfectant and drugs. My clammy palms were trembling, despite the heavy air-conditioning and my so-called confidence. The hospital made me apprehensive; it was not a place you wanted your wife to stay. It was not a place you wanted anyone to stay. Just the thought of her in this feeble state had formed a river in my eyes. It was flowing promptly down my cheeks and staining my shirt. My patience was waning and so was my confidence.
Five years ago, my wife, the most remarkable women in the world, was diagnosed with cancer. Nothing more needs to be said. Cancer that abysmal word speaks for itself. We thought it was in its early stages, we thought that we could cure her! We thought that she wouldn’t have the same fate as our parents. Cancer was a lion, and it was devouring my family.
I knew I was due in anytime now, but I didn’t know if I could bring myself to walk through that door. Every time I saw her, she looked worse. Sarah was no longer a striking blonde with a robust body, she was bald and fragile. Her once skin-tight jeans now baggy, too baggy. I loathed women who constantly strived to lose weight. This was partially because I knew Sarah would jump at the thought of getting her body back! The one physical feature that hadn’t changed, and I hoped would never change, was her dazzling blue eyes. They were filled with a compassion and warmth that ill health could never take away.
My thoughts were interrupted by Dr Peterson,” You may come in now,” he beckoned. However, when I stood up to walk in, he stopped me and slowly whispered “I’m so sorry, I’m so, so sorry.” I dreaded what came next. “Sarah is just too ill, the cancer has spread beyond control.”
“How long does she have left?” I wept, not bothering to hide my grief. Dr Peterson looked shocked at my bluntness. I guess that I had been preparing for this day, all along.
“I would assume 2 days, at the most.” He answered wearily
Nothing more was said between us, I dashed in to be by Sarah’s side. She gazed at me with those blue eyes, the expression on her face showed no fear, none at all.
“Don’t leave me.” I begged. She was evidently too weak to speak, but when our eyes met, we connected in way words couldn’t begin to describe. I sat there holding her hand while trying to process all if this. Why me, why was this happening to me? I gulped as I realised what I had thought. Sarah had been through so much, but she never complained. I had absolutely no right to be so selfish!
Sarah mustered up her strength and whispered, “You need to tell them.” I immediately knew whom she meant. We embraced, her body hadn’t lost its warmth, I never wanted to let go. “You were an amazing wife and an even better mother,” I told her.
“I’m not gone yet,” she mumbled.
“I love you Sarah, always remember that,” I sniffled. I left the hospital in tears, my lover was dying a slow and painful death, and now I had to do what no father wants to do.
As I approached my picturesque abode, I thought about the months Sarah and I had spent building this place. Somehow, I knew when Sarah did go; part of her would still be with me. This house and our children where reminders of her, I knew she would never be replaced or forgotten.
I unlocked the door slowly; the kids always looked forward to news on Mum.
“Hi Dad, how’s Mum?” greeted Alice.
“Look Alice, I don’t have the best news, I need you to gather the others.” I replied.
I was extremely anxious, I knew Alice, Thomas and Jasmin would take it all right, but Jack, oh Jack. Jack was only 6 years old and unable to understand the seriousness of a disease like Cancer, so we lied and told him Sarah had a terrible flu. It was sad, just plain sad that Jack didn’t even know what was wrong with his own mother.
A few minutes later, all four of my beautiful children stood in front of me waiting for this “news”. It broke my heart, but they had the right to know.
“Mum is extremely ill, the Doctor said she will pass away soon.” I closed my eyes too scared to look.
“But the Doctor said he will make Mummy better!” insisted Jack.
“It’s okay Jack, Mum will go to a better place,” replied Jasmin.
“I don’t want Mummy to go anywhere, I want her to stay right here!” exclaimed Jack.
“I think it’s time for all of us to go to bed,” I announced exhaustedly. ”It’s been a really long day.”
I climbed upstairs and dressed for bed. Boy was I getting ready for another sleepless night. Just as I hopped into bed my phone started ringing, I picked it up swiftly. I felt a pang in my chest it was Dr Peterson, Sarah was dying…
Everything was a blur after that call, I briskly gathered the kids and hurried to the hospital. One by one, we each went in to say goodbye. Jack went first then Jasmin, Thomas and Alice. Teary-eyed Alice opened the door. I hurried in, not wanting to waste a single second with Sarah.
I got by her side fast enough, just fast enough to see her brilliant blue eyes close for the last time. I kissed her gently on the forehead and sobbed goodbye. Then I went out boldly and closed the door firmly behind me.