Sometimes I think about life and how it passes by so fast. I will be sitting at a bonfire talking with my friends, cheering at a football game and laughing with the student section, or watching movies with my family, when I suddenly think about how those exact moments will never happen again and then I feel miserable. Thoughts go down in a never-ending hole of darkness. Because it’s inevitable because I cannot do anything about time passing at all. It slowly ticks, and ticks, and ticks…

I slide open the white heavy door and enter the room with light pink walls and soft, fuzzy carpet. As I look around, everything is immaculate and the items are in the exact spot that they belong. My feet slide against the grey carpet as I reach for my lighter. I light my Pumpkin Cupcake candle from Bath and Body Works which fills the room with a sweet scent. I throw myself into the soft bed with cozy blankets. I glance over at my wall and see the painting my mom bought for me a few years back. I smile as I look at it and imagine that I am actually in Paris, by the Eiffel Tower. I reach over and plug in the Christmas lights that are draped across my headboard, and the lights brighten up my room. I shut the lights off and suddenly, everything that was once peaceful is now terrifying.

I lay restless in my bed, tossing and turning as my mind reels on. Thoughts race through my head and my heart beats at what feels like 500 beats per minute. My mind spiralizes into a deep, never-ending black hole of darkness. The thoughts of the future consume my mind. I don't want to get older, I don't want good things to end, I don't want everything to be over. Suddenly, it feels as if my lungs aren't doing their job. My breath gets caught in my throat and I try to shut off the thoughts darting through my mind. It doesn’t work and I continue to spin out of control, thoughts getting deeper and deeper. Hot tears trail down from my puffy eyes and hit my shirt. My mind will not stop. Suddenly, I get these images in my head of how life has been and how it could be.

Past self, current self, future self. I look back and see a young child, around 5 years old. Tan skin, deep dimples, and hair in pigtails. I see her giggling as she splashes around in the pool with her sister. I see her cute, crooked, baby teeth smile. She loves to read books and watch movies. I watch her transform into who she is now. Still a short girl, tan skin (in the summer), with dark hair. She no longer wears pigtails, but still has dimples and is still always laughing. She loves to read books and loves movies. In the future, she will still have her same dark hair and tanned skin with deep dimples. I think of what she could be like and it scares me. I won't know till it happens, but she could never get married and have kids. Or never have the job she wants. Or she may never move out of Monroe and may be stuck in this little town where everything stays the exact same. I'm unsure what life will be like for her in the future. And that's what scares me.  

I wonder what life will be like. Who I will be. What friends I’ll still have, what friends will no longer be in my life. It all scares tremendously because I love the life I have now and don’t ever want things to change. I have not completely handled the issue, but I have come to terms with the fact that I cannot control time and things will turn out the way they are supposed to.