They say instead of crying about it, you should live an inspired and spiritual life, but it’s easier said than done.  After we got the news I held my tears back until I was away from the adults. November sixteenth, the day that changed me and turned my life upside down. They say time heals but once again I don’t believe it. It’s been almost eight years and the pain is still as strong as it was when the man’s raspy hoarse voice told a room of over 30 people including many children that my father had passed.

On November 16, 2010, my life took a turn for the worse.  I remember sitting on my grandfather's lap when a lump appeared in my throat and my vision got blurry.  When the man in all black gave the children directions to leave, we all ran to the backyard.

That evening I did not eat , or the next day, or the next. I think I was in shock, but its not what they say it’s like. They say it’s like your world is upside down and scrambled. That’s not it at all. For me at least. It all happens so fast that it’s hard to get out of shock. It feels like everything scrambles your whole world and crashes into another almost like a car accident.  It’s like everything around you isn’t really there, your mind is a blur, and you can’t focus on anything. Almost as if you aren’t thinking at all, just living.

I wouldn’t speak. Not to my friends, not to my family, not to anyone. For many months I was silent and anxious to be alone. That winter was long. Long, cold and lonely. Feeling of despair filled the air around. I was so desperate for something. I didn’t exactly know what it was, but I wanted it so bad. Feeling empty and alone made the days drag on and on. The months went by even slower. I remember my school had announced to whole school that I was going to be out for a few weeks and I was dealing with something. Of course the school was very small containing only a little over a hundred students. That summer I started to talk again. Slowly. As the words came my voice was hoarse. I barely had a voice left.

That summer I wore long black pants,long sleeve shirts and didn’t brush my hair everyday. Still not talking often made it difficult on my family and myself. I played outside with my siblings, but only a little at a time because the yelling of the kids and the neighbors made me annoyed or want to cry. I think I cry too much, but that’s beside the point. As I got older, I talked to people normally and made friends who made me forget my sorrow, but eventually those friends would leave and my feeling of emptiness would once again return. I’ve learned not to get to attached to people, but sometimes it just happens, like when you get your first boyfriend, he makes you feel so special and then dumps you like your nothing. That’s another problem with this society, no one thinks of anyone else’s feelings. They make comments that are irrational and just plain rude (i.e. “kill yourself” ) and the worst part is that they are joking. They say “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me,” but that’s entirely and completely wrong as well.

A few years have past and I learned how my father died and once again I am sent into internal suffering.  I am craving that one thing that I just need, but I don't know what it is. We were in the car and my brother angrily blurts out at my mom,“At least my husband didn't kill himself” and that makes me so angry now. That same phrase repeats itself throughout my life.  Third grade it was a boy named Adam who said, “At least my dad didn’t kill himself”. Fourth grade it was a girl named Gianna, sixth grade it was Abby,seventh Natalie,eighth Jadalyn. That line repeats itself in my head a lot. I often think about how my life would be with him still in it.

Recently one of my old friends mother died of cancer and I feel awful. Knowing that someone I know is going through this pains tears me apart. I want to reach out, but I don’t want to make it worse. If I did I'd simply say that accepting is the first step to  moving on and making things feel a little better.