My shame began in my grandparents’ dark, cramped laundry room as I hid from my family and shoved warm brownies into my mouth. I could hear my younger cousin playing with my family in another room nearby, and I was overcome with guilt. My cousin Mia, who is three years younger than I, was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease six years ago at age eight. Her condition caused her extreme stomach pain and severely limited what she could eat. At the time of the brownie incident, Mia had recently been diagnosed. She was testing many different diets to alleviate her symptoms. These diets certainly helped her feel better, but the whole family was expected to follow them out of support. The restrictions placed on what I could eat around her made me very upset. I was only eleven at the time. I felt angry and confused that I had to eat “weird things” made out of almond flour, coconut oil, soy, and other foods I wasn't used to eating. I could no longer eat bread or ice cream around Mia. It wasn’t too much to ask, but as a result, I became selfish and obsessed with eating “normal” foods like brownies (not made out of avocados) while I was around her. I became a moody ball of jealousy and confusion at family dinner. I did not understand why everyone was forced to follow her crazy diets when she was the only one who was sick.

At the time, I did not realize the extent to which my selfishness was affecting my relationship with Mia. My family was just trying to support her, but my self-absorbed actions made me stray away from her and my family. As I sat hiding in the laundry room eating my delicious brownies, just a few steps down the hall from my cousin, I realized the person I had become. I knew I had to make a change.

As soon as I went into my grandparents’ laundry room to eat the warm, gooey brownies, I felt regret and shame. As I devoured the fresh-baked brownies in secret, I became aware of the monster I had become. I couldn't believe how inconsiderate I was being to my little cousin, my best friend. It wasn't Mia’s fault that I didn't like the foods she was being forced to eat. Honestly, she didn’t like them either. It wasn't anyone's fault she was being thrown into all those new treatments, medicines, diets, and terrifying medical tests to figure out what was wrong with her and how to help her feel better. She was so young and so scared. I realized that she was so much more important to me than the sugary snacks we had enjoyed together before her illness, so, I put down the brownies and joined Mia in the living room.

This experience taught me one major lesson. Despite all the jealousy, confusion, and disgust I faced trying her crazy diets, I learned to be supportive, selfless, and there for her at all costs. Years later, this lesson has taught me to be a supportive, kind, and understanding person. Today, I not only support Mia and her crazy diets, but I also attend many Crohn's disease events alongside her. These events have taught me more about her condition and how it affects the lives of other Crohn's survivors. These events have taught me how strong the people affected by Crohn’s disease are. They fight battles every day that I will never have to face, and, along the way, they have to learn to eat a little differently. The guilt I felt that day continues to remind me to always think of others and their pain, and not just myself. These “brownies of shame” taught me about my values as a person and helped me gain insight into what I want to accomplish with my life.