I’ve learned that my opinions only matter if I type them out in time new roman font, size twelve. My mind only matters if I get an A on every test, every quiz. My anxiety doesn’t matter if I’m in front of the class, speaking for a presentation. I’ll get over it. Everyone gets nervous sometimes.

I’ve learned that grades matter more than my health. If I can barely stand, it’s fine. I need to go to school. Nothing really matters unless it’s taught to me by my teachers.

The education system is great, right? Giving kids anxiety that they shouldn’t have to suffer through. Teaching kids that they have to meet the deadline, or else they’ll get punished.

We have to meet the criteria. It doesn’t matter if we fail a test because we weren’t mentally stable. We should remember the material, we should be able to pass. Ace the class, right?

I started turning in unfinished assignments because a bad grade is better than a zero. I started actually trying, yet my mind breaks and I rush to the bathroom because no one can see me for who I am. I need to be happy, I need to laugh and make people smile.

Maybe mental health matters more than grades and education. Maybe I shouldn’t force myself to suffer in class to finish a test while I’m having a panic attack.

Anxiety levels of teenagers and kids are increasing more and more, and a bunch of it is because of the education system. Waking up at 7am or earlier after going to sleep at 3am to finish that homework assignment that shouldn’t have really mattered anyway.

We’re getting less and less sleep due to staying up late for school work and then waking up early for school. Fighting to stay awake in class because if we fall asleep we’ll get yelled at.

We try. We try to get an A in every class, do extracurricular activities and try to be normal kids when really some of us are falling apart.

Almost everyone I’m close to at school has some form of mental illness. We suffer through the school day because our parents will be angry if we don’t get an A on that test. If we miss too many days because we didn’t have the energy to get out of bed, we get held back.

If we forget to do that one assignment because our minds are messes and we forget too easily and can never remember important things, we get in trouble.

The kids aren’t to blame for failing grades or not paying attention in class when they suffer from something far more important than a simple quiz. The kids aren’t to blame for something they had no control over.

No one is to blame, really. I wouldn’t pin the blame on anyone. Not any humans or animals or things that we can touch and feel.

I blame the minds. The brains that are dark and tear people apart. The illnesses that are suffered through.

I’ve learned that people aren’t to blame for actions they can’t control. I’ve learned that mental health matters more than whatever someone is learning in class. I’ve learned that I matter more than what my teacher is saying that I can’t understand because there are these voices screaming in my head that are so loud I can’t hear anything else.

I’ve learned that school is something that is a necessary part of life, but shouldn’t be so stressful that people lock themselves away and hurt because of it.

I’ve learned that while grades matter, so do the people that earn them.

I’ve learned from my own thinking, and from people that speak to me.

I’ve learned.